Wednesday, December 29, 2010

the end

some people call me brave... smart... wise...  and mature when it comes to choices i make. but right now i only feel sad... lonely... empty... and anti-social. people think i can handle this so well... but the tears i've cried share a different story. and for some reason, tonight is just extra hard.

i miss us. the end.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010


what is being happy anyways? how do you know if what you are is happy? how do you know if its happy enough? how do you know if what you want is really what is good for you? how do i decipher how i feel? how do i know where the feelings come from? how do i not hurt people? how do i not break people's hearts? how do i know if i'm being unreasonable? how do i know i'm being too tolerable? how do i know when i should put my feelings above others? how do i decide to make such hard decisions? how do i not overreact? how do i gain back trust? how do we fulfill each other's needs? how do i keep those special moments of unconditional love around? how do i forget the pain i feel? how do i forget the tears? how do i know it would work? how do i know it wouldn't work? others make it work, how do i know this isn't the same? how do i know this isn't how things are supposed to feel? how do i know that the feelings i have are genuine? how do i know whether this is worthwhile? how do i know whether its a waste of time? how do i know what my next move is? how do i know this is real?

so many questions... so few answers...

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

eliv thade

eliv thade
unscramble the letters then you will see
the words that they are meant to be

live and death
together they play
affecting our lives each passing day

together they bring
tears of sadness
and of gladness

in the beginning
the new mother holds the new baby's hand
holding her son, thinking him grand

together they live
then as the aging years pass them on by
the son cradles his mother, as its her turn to die

the cycle goes on
and tears are constantly shed
the comings and goings of the living and dead

but the love that they have
it is heartwarming and real
the type of love you can look at and feel

that kind of love
is the love that i saw today
the love of a son as his mom passed away

it warmed my whole soul
to see him comfort her there at her bed
and it broke my heart to see the tears that he shed

but he was there for her
til the very very end.
til he had to leave his mother, his teacher, his friend.

i do love my job
yet at times it does make me sad.
but seeing this type of love, it helps, just a tad :)

In loving memory of V.R.
<3 <3 <3

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

mango tree

"I wish I had a mango tree. In my backyard.
With you standing next to me. Take the picture.
From her lips I heard her say, "Can I have you?"
Caught up in what to say, I said, "You do." "

I can just picture this everytime I hear this song..With one hand on my lower back, one hand holding mine, we dance under the stars, in the grass. He holds me close as we slowly shuffle in a circle as his lips brush my ear as he whispers the lyrics to the song to me. Our song. The song. My favorite song.

He's amazing.

No, I would never say he is perfect, that would be a lie. I certainly am not perfect. Our relationship is far from perfect. Sometimes, he drives me up the wall! Sometimes I make him so agitated. Sometimes he is utterly ridiculous. Sometimes I'm ridiculously emotional. But we always work things out. We never leave each other angry.

I love him.
I love who he is.
I love the person I know he will be.

Where this will go, I don't know. But right now, I don't even care. I just want to be with him.

day fourteen: let me down

so it's been a while, but i promised myself i would do these things! so here we go again...

i've never really had a hero who really let me down... i don't even think i've really even had a hero. There's never really been someone who i so admired or adored that i wanted to be just like. so i'm trying to think of something else to write about, and i can only think of one thing that is even remotely similar.

finding out santa wasn't real.

now THAT was a major let down. however, it really shouldn't have been as big of a let down as it was. so my mom is just reminding me (since i was asking what age i was when i discovered the "santa scandal") that in fact prior to the santa incident, i found out about my mom being the tooth fairy. now i don't remember really discovering that truth ( i mean i always thought the fairy's handwriting looked a lot like mom's...) but apparently, i threw quite the little fit. saying how my parents had "betrayed" me, and "how could you lie to me like that?" and stating "i will NEVER do that to my kids!" yet somehow, the discovering of the fake fairy didn't translate over to christmas time. so seeing my parents setting up christmas under the tree was still very surprising and disappointing.

i was about ten. i couldn't sleep, went down for a glass of water, and low and behold "Santa" was just mom and dad staying up really late. i was shocked! then it all made sense... all of the little creatures and people that you don't see, ARE NOT REAL. that meant tooth fairy, leprechauns, easter bunny, AND santa.

man, the magic just ran right out of that holiday. and in all honesty, ever since, i haven't been able to muster up much excitement for christmas. don't get me wrong, i love all the festivities and things that go along with the holiday, but actual christams eve and day aren't all they're cracked up to be for me anymore. perhaps it'll be different when i have kids. it better be at any rate!

this is a surprised face i found, i'm sure it is very similar to mine after seeing my parents.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

don't tempt me


stop with the cakes.
the pictures. the dresses.
the centerpieces. the tablecloths.
the shoes and addresses.

stop with the invites.
the catering. the rings.
the showers. the colors.
all the weddingtype things.

too many friends are heeding the call
the one of eternity
the one that lasts for it all.

yes i know you're in love.
yes i know it can't wait,
because marriage i'm told is
"Totally great!"

but i'm not ready for that
the timings not right
but sometimes...
i lie there thinking at night...
thoughts give me some feelings...
that i don't want to fight.

i want to get married.

but shhh, don't you dare tell a soul!
because wanting that thing...
that isn't my role!
i'm the one who is scared!
remember that part?
the one who can't fathom giving my heart?

but alas, it has crossed my mind, one time or two.
and i thought i might share this knowledge with you.
but its not my main goal.
i still have some time.

but when i endure conversations day after day
those feelings grow stronger...
don't tempt me i say!

Thursday, November 4, 2010

day thirteen: me and Sara

hands down if i had to pick an artist that has gotten me through the bad times, the good times, the whenever times, it would be Sara Bareilles. i love her music so much! my good friend sara barber showed her to me once upon a time when i was working at gonescrappin', back when she was first being produced, before she was a big radio sensation. i fell in love with her song "Fairytale" and then luckily sara let me have her copy of the cd, called Little Voice. and now i am addicted, and i think it is the most phenomenal collection. when i start listening to Sara Bareilles nothing else matters but the music. like seriously- if i have her playing in my car and you are sitting right there, i don't want to talk to you at all. i'm just being honest. i just want to sing. the world vanishes. all that's left is the music and the words and the feelings they bring. i don't care about my homework, job, boyfriend, money, friends, its just me and Sara. And for a little while, that's just fine. she is my escape.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

day twelve: tell me

well in all honesty i can't really think of what i don't get complimented on. i don't really live for compliments, i don't really need them to feel good about myself, i can do that just by doing the right things and knowing that i'm doing the right things. i don't need people to tell me i'm smart, i know i am smart and am able to understand the hard things. i don't need to be told i'm mature for my age, i already know i'm not a typical drama queen.  i don't need compliments about how beautiful i am, i know when i'm looking pretty, every girl does. i don't like to fish for compliments, i think its tacky and desperate. so i don't know what really to say here... i guess i wish people would say i'm a good time to hang out with i guess. i wish more people would be like "HEY! come with us!" but i mean i have plenty of friends who do that, but it just would be nice to have more. :)

Sunday, October 31, 2010

i'm afraid

i'm afraid.
i guess thats the easiest way to put it.
it's halloween, and i quite honestly am scared.
not of ghosts or of goblins
demons or zombies
but of my future.

i've done a lot of talking lately
with a lot of friends
and this realization hit me like a ton of bricks
i am afraid of what is to come.

this is why i don't think about my future.
i worry about things enough to get by.
enough to not be completely derailed from lifelong dreams.
but only enough.
never above and beyond.
i hate my past.
i live in the now.
and i'm scared for my future.

it's ironically appropriate
this being the season for fright.
that i sit and i worry
that i fear for my life
and all i'm thinking about is my future.

i don't want to grow up.
i'm afraid of those responsibilities.
i don't want to think about 5 years from now.
i want to think about what i'm doing tomorrow.
i don't know if i want to be a nurse.
i would love to be an elementary school teacher.
but why would i change my major?
is it because i am seeking the easy way out?
because getting in the nursing program is hard?
i don't want to get married.
i'm far too selfish for such a thing.
it lasts for eternity...
that is a very long time.
i can't even grasp it
will it work out?
who knows anymore...
so many end early these days.

i don't know what i'm doing with my life
i feel like a mess
i feel like i'm spinning my wheels
going nowhere
doing enough to say i'm doing something
being carefree
but its not going to cut it anymore

i need some direction
but i fear that too
what if i can't do what i need to?
i'm so scared.
and i don't understand why...
futures are supposed to be happy!
they're supposed to bring joy.
so what the heck is my problem?
why does the thought of my future make knots in my belly?

i'm getting my blessing.
my patriarchial one.
i called him today.
perhaps this weekend of worry was just what i needed.
November 14th.
i'm getting it then
and its still safe to say-
i'm afraid.

Saturday, October 30, 2010

day eleven: compliments

hmmmm... i suppose what i get complimented on most is my maturity. when people don't know how old i am and then i tell them, they always are verys surprised like "OH no way! i thought for sure you were 21!" and i'm always like "really? REALLY?" because i feel so immature most of the time! how on earth do i fool all of these people?! i mean i'm the type of girl who thinks mac'n'cheese is a great dinner, applesauce is bomb, koolaid rocks my world, finding nemo is my favorite movie, i love to watch cartoons (Avatar: the Last Airbender on Nickelodeon is my guilty indulgence), i stay up later than i should despite my responsibilities, i procrastinate like no other, and i laugh at stupid things ALL THE TIME. example: favorite joke. there are two muffins in an oven and one muffin goes: Oh man! it's getting hot in here. the other muffin goes: "Oh my gosh! a talking muffin!!" HAHA! stupid, i know, but i looooove it :)

sooo perhaps i know that in some ways i am more mature than the average joe. i've been through a fair amount of crazy stuff in my life. i've learned a lot, and i like to think that the way i have chosen to live life makes me fairly mature. i mean i went out and found a job where i work 24-32 hours a week, i use the money i earn to pay for tuition, books, rent, cell, gas, food and whatever else i need (and usually in that order. lol) i don't get offended easily, i let most stuff roll off my back. i don't get my feelings hurt real easy. i think i'm fairly undramatic, i mean i know that sometimes there is drama in my life, but i don't go out looking for it or purposefully make it. i'm not judgemental. i've done too much stupid stuff to be that. i'm open minded. i am always willing to give the benefit of the doubt, even when some people probably don't deserve it. i don't overanalyze. i'm just very cut and dry i think. i realize that love requires a lot of work, and it sure ain't no fairytale. i know what i want for a career. and perhaps these things are why i'm considered "mature" but i kinda just wish that everyone had these characteristics... haha.

but even though i know that i am fairly mature, i can't help think that i'm still so not prepared for this whole "being mature" and "grown up" thing. i tell residents at work how old i am and they say "you're still a baby!" and well, yeah! i totally feel like i am! i'm still young- oh so young, and i feel like i'm trying to grow up way too fast...

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

day ten: let go

someone i need to let go, or someone you wish you never knew

there truly isn't someone i sincerely wish i never knew. i believe every person in my life has been there to teach me something. even people who ended up hurting me, or people who let me down, or people who just drifted out of my life, they were there because i needed them at that point in my life. so if they aren't in my life anymore, its because the role they play in the grand scheme of my life is over, and i have no more lessons to learn from them. and thats fine. i let people go when i don't feel the need to have them there in my life anymore, so i'm pretty sure i've let everyone go that i need to- i certainly don't feel strings attatched to people from my past- perhaps i'm niave in saying such things, but i truly do believe that i have not met someone that i wish i never knew. i am content with my life, and who's in it.

Monday, October 18, 2010

day nine: drifted

someone i didn't want to let go, but someone who just drifted...

to be honest, there are a lot of people in my life who have drifted away, but most of the time it's because i kinda let it happen, usually not on purpose like i don't set out to be like "i'm going to phase this person out of my life" but it just kinda happens naturally because we're all busy people and schedules clash a lot and we just don't see each other as much. i'm kinda horrible at keeping tabs on people that i don't see very often. i mean, i rarely talk to anyone from high school, and its not because these people were mean or awful, its just i don't care so much anymore. i just don't do well with trying to catch up with everyone and everything going on in their lives, when i can barely keep up with the people i see more frequently. i mean i hope they are doing well and i hope they are happy, but i don't have enough motivation to really try to talk to them and catch up. that's probably why i never made those "lasting friendships" at EFY or anything, because i just never really could handle the stress and the obligation of chatting with all of them. its just easier to be friends for a week, and then forget about it. anyways, i have a whole list of friends that i have just let leave my stage of friendship, and thats fine, because well if they have left, its usually a mutual thing. both of us have gotten busy, and talking to each other just isn't a priority anymore and if they wanna talk to me, thats fine, but i don't really openly pursue re-kindling friendships with them. perhaps that means i'm a bad friend, i think i probably am. but i can't help the way i am. i am a "phase friend" i guess... i have a hard time keeping friends once i'm out of a phase.

so there's jackie sitko, she was my bus/swim/polo buddy. i used to talk to her about EVERYTHING. i "rescued" her from her house one time when both her parents were gone and she just didn't want to be alone, and i ended up running over a bark pile in her neighborhood and we had to wash my car at like midnight... then we made "mmmm.. chocolate cake batter" while we talked about anything and everything. she also was where i ran to first when i ran away from home, she hid me for a few hours and even lied to her mom about me being there. i owe her big time, she really kept me sane at times. love her, i hope she's doing well, and i hope she's gotten rid of her stupid boyfriend.

hannah skarsten, my polo/swim buddy! love her too, she was there for me when i really really needed a friend. she could always make me laugh, she was outspoken and opinionated and never intimidated by people who were older than us, and i was always jealous of it. and i just loved jamming out with her to "Le Disko" by Shiny Toy Guns on the way to polo practice in her subaru, even when she scared the living daylights out of me because of her crazy driving. even though she's small, she is a fiery girl, and i hope she's doing well in school and her long distance relationship is working out.

i feel bad, but this is just how things go. i just don't talk to people much if i don't see them. i mean i have a hard enough time keeping tabs on the people i DO see all the time. ah, life makes you so busy, and sometimes, you gotta sacrifice i guess.

Friday, October 15, 2010


so i went home on wednesday to do some laundry before i went in to sell plasma at talecris, but then i found out my sisters and my mom were going to california! so they invited me along since i was taking time off from work and it was fall break from school. so i contemplated for about ten minutes before i decided i should go. i mean how often do i get the chance to go to california in the first place?! so i went straight to my apartment, not having done any laundry, and they came to pick me up from there. and now here we are! dana point, laguna beach travelodge, in california! quite literally a 5 minute walk to the beach! its amazing! its been rainy, and cloudy, and foggy, we pretty much haven't seen the sun since we've been here, BUT its been so lovely! we have had so much fun playing in the waves, collecting shells, chilling at the pool, and watching excessive amounts of project runway and america's next top model. haha. i love my sisters :)

today we went to aliso viejo beach, and there were dolphins! a whole bunch of them too! there were at least 8-12 dolphins and they were sooooo close to the shore! steff kept saying how much she wanted to just go out and swim with them, but she didn't want to do it alone, so she convinced me to go with her. haha, so we swam all the way out to where the dolphins were at and it was pretty far out there, but we were like only 20 feet away from them! it was so crazy cool! then they swam away, so we came back in, and steff got pummeled by the waves, but i was just fine, i guess i can just read the waves better ;) haha. so we then went to the showers to get all the sand off, and we were walking back to the car, when we see a lifeguard car come down the street with its lights and sirens on, then the beach patrol, then the police, and then the marine safety patrol... it was ridiculous! so many officials! and we were trying to figure out why they all were there, and then i realized they were all looking at the dolphins... haha. we're pretty sure that they got called there because someone thought we were going to like attack the dolphins or something...  i got the beach patrol and marine safety called on me and my sister. haha. it has been such a fun trip!

day eight: ruin me

someone who ruined me...

he was my first high school crush. my first date. my first kiss. he was my best friend for an entire summer. it stopped being "what are you doing tonight?" it was "what are WE doing tonight?" we just were comfortable with each other- too comfortable. my feelings for him never quite left, they were always there beneath the surface, even though i told everyone we were "just friends". then junior year hit, my parents decided we were going to move to provo, so i started school at timpview, but still went back to park city over weekends. we tried seeing each other as much as possible when i went home. and one night out of the blue, he kissed me... i thought it meant something... turns out it was just something to do... he broke my heart. this was the start of my "dark" age... due to that one boy... nick johnson. this used to be my favorite picture of him.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

day seven: worth it

someone who has made my life worth living...

i can't pick just one person- i just can't. once upon a time, when i was in my "dark" phase and i thought about dark things, there were three little lights that kept me from completely going over the edge... my little sisters.

steffany laurel...
i cannot even begin to explain how much i love this girl. she's my example in so many ways! so many times i was jealous of this sweet girl, because she is just so incredible! she's the type of person that you are just drawn to. she's so funny, and quirky, and silly, mature, and confident, and beautiful, and spiritual. she has gone through so much, some of it unfortunately was due to some of my actions, and yet she worked through it and is now the fantastically radiant young lady she is now. she's my best friend. i can talk to her about anything. i miss seeing her all the time. i love reminiscing about all of the ridiculous things we did when we were little... sneaking barbies in our pj's, making hammocks on the bunk bed, playing fat-so... she is my childhood. i love my steff-a-roo.

courtney katherine...
oh this darling girl makes me laugh. she is such a sweet innocent little lady. sometimes she reminds me of myself when i was littler. she loves to read, she's a bookworm, like i was. she's always got a book in her hands, or nearby at least. she is such a little worry-wart too. she stresses, and she panics herself (especially when there is a bug around, haha) but she is so sweet. i love how she is sensitive to those around her. she goes out of her way to make people feel loved. she's such a good student too, i could probably use some tips from her. she is such a little diva sometimes, but its cute. she sings her little heart out, and she can be absolutely absurd, but that's what makes her so endearing, she just laughs it off. i love my courtney coo.

lindsey rachel...
she's my baby. i can't help but think of that, i remember being her babysitter with her running into my arms. she's always been the baby of the family, and definitely always acted like it. she loves to show off, loves to talk like a little girl so we remember, but now she so desperately wants to grow up now too, especially with steff and court both being in young women's. she's an amazing little gymnast! it just comes so naturally to her. she is such a sweet little girl, she always greets me with the biggest squeezy hugs when i come home to visit. she is such a little bundle of energy too! she is always go go go and she always is doing something. i can't wait to see her grow up into even more of a little lady. i love my lindsey lou.

these are my sisters, my loves, the people i would do anything for. i love them with all of my heart.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

day six: hope i never

i can only think of one thing that i truly hope i never have to do... i hope i never have to bury a child. i think this would be the hardest thing i could possibly think of doing. i have seen the faces of parents who have had to do this, i have seen the anguish, i have seen the pain. i do not want that. i have seen one of my aunts go through this horrible ordeal, after the death of my baby cousin, and i have so much respect and love for her after going through something that just hurt so badly. i just cannnot even imagine, cannot even begin to fathom what its like, but i know how i feel about my sisters, my friends, my dog, my parents, i just do not think i would handle the death of one of my children very well. the child who developed inside me. my baby. i really truly hope above all else, that i never have to do this.

~ In loving memory of Elle Hullinger ~
   May 24, 2005 ~ August 30, 2006

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

day five: hope

its amazing how what you hope for can change day by day... so today, i hope that i will have a happy marriage. i hope that someday, when i decide to get married, my husband and i will both want to work on our marriage together. i hope that he still feels madly in love with me 5 years down the road, 10 years, 20 years, 50 years, into the eternities. i hope i feel the same way about him. i hope that we're best friends. i hope that we won't fight a lot, i know its unrealisitc, but for right now i just hope we can at least try not to. i hope that we will be able to talk things out. i hope i never tire of holding his hand. i hope he never tires of calling me beautiful. i hope we will want to be with eachother all the time. i hope i will miss him when he's gone. i hope he calls me just to tell me he loves me. i hope we'll make meaningful love. i hope we have lots of kids. i hope we go on dates even if we have to get a babysitter. i hope i'll make him smile everyday. i hope he'll kiss me goodmorning even if i have bad breath. i hope that we'll dance across the kitchen floor. i hope he'll read the children bedtime stories. i hope the spirit will be in our home. i hope he will make his role of patriarch a priority. i hope he calls me honey. i hope i call him sweetheart. i hope "i love you" never gets old. i hope when we're old and wrinkly we'll be able to sit and smile and reminisce about our beautiful life together <3

Monday, October 4, 2010

day four: forgive another

i don't know what to say... i honestly don't feel as though i have not forgiven anyone that has hurt me... maybe i just haven't been hurt that often... maybe i just don't have grudges... but i honestly feel as though i am at peace with anyone and everyone that i have crossed paths with... i used to put a lot of blame on my past actions on my parents... but after i ranted and got all my emotions out, in a school paper actually, i even learned to forgive them. becuase they are human, and lets face it, raising teenagers is not an easy thing to do. especially raising me, because i was a pill. (i know i know, i'm STILL technically a teenager, being 19 and all, but i like to think that i'm a little bit more mature these days than i was 3 years ago)

however, new information, ironically discovered today, gives me the impression that perhaps in the distant or maybe not so distant future, i may have one person i will have to forgive... but i should hope that it doesn't result in that... fingers crossed.

Sunday, October 3, 2010

day three: forgive myself

i have to forgive myself for... my past. i made some extremely stupid and hurtful choices in my past, that continue to have repercussions even still today despite the changing of my ways. there are a lot of things i wish i hadn't done, but a lot of those things have helped me become who i am today. although if i could take back a lot of the things i did, i would. i suppose i'm also greatful for my experiences because they have strengthened my resolve and my faith in Jesus Christ and they have given me an understanding of the beauty and reality of the Atonement. i still hate the person i was. i still hate the things i did, the things i didn't do, the things i said, the things i didn't say, the people i hurt, all those things, they made me a horrible, miserable person. but perhaps it was from those things that i know that i never want to be there again, and i know how much happier of a person i am now because of the learning from my past.

day two: love

something that i love about myself- i love that i can be happy. i can be happy all the time. seriously, i can be happy ALL the time. i just have to think about it. i know that there could easily be ways that i could get depressed about my life and everything in it, and sometimes it gets me down for a minute, but i choose not to dwell on it, because my life is beautiful and i have nothing to complain about.

i think i started this idea that happiness is all in your head a long time ago, my junior year actually. i had been diagnosed as "clinically depressed" and they had given me a bunch of medicine, but as soon as i had the prescription, i realized i didn't NEED it. it was all in my head. i was allowing myself to be depressed. now, i don't want to make a blanket statement, because i know that each individual situation is different, BUT i do believe that probably a lot of people's depression is all in their head, and they are just allowing themselves to be that way. i really do believe that if you make a concious effort to be happy- you will be.

Steff once shared a quote with me saying, "If you want to be happy, BE." and i've really taken that to heart, i conciously make an effort to be happy, and well, I AM. i don't worry, i don't stress, i just go about on my happy little way. and i love my life so much more! i'm an incredibly just happy, chipper, smiley, laughing person! i love being happy and i love bringing smiles to other peoples faces! i think i really magnify this when i'm at work. i think i love myself best when i'm with my residents, because my attitude is solely about serving them, and i am just there to make their life a little easier. i'm lovely and smiley and friendly and kind. i love that <3

Thursday, September 30, 2010

day one: hate

So, my Alexa friend is doing this thing because one of her friends is doing this. and i think i would really enjoy doing it as well. it's called "30 Days of Truth", so for 30 days you write about each of these topics, and i'm excited to do it! it'll be very interesting to learn about myself. so here we go!

day one: thing that i hate about myself

i hate that i rarely stick to my guns.
1) tonight i'm going to bed at 10:30!! i mean it this time!... 11 o'clock, 12 o'clock, 1 o'clock... well shoot, guess i should go to bed now.
2) i'm going to read my scriptures EVERY morning and EVERY night. well i can't i have work... it's too early... i'm too tired... it'll be ok if i miss this one time... i'll read double later...
3) i will not make out with joel tonight- ok we can kiss a little... a minute isn't so bad... 5 minutes, not a big deal... ok just 100 more kisses...
4) i'm going to write my paper DAYS before its due. or i can just stay up for hours and hours the night before...
5) i'm not going to spend a lot of money today... but i NEED this... but i'm hungry... but this will last me for such a long time! i donate plasma so it'll be fine...
6) i'm not going to eat so much today, because i'm gaining weight. oh but i've been walking around a lot...but i haven't eaten out at all, today... but i don't have time to eat later...
7) i'm going to clean my room today! but i can just shove it in the corner and you can't hardly tell its there...
8) i'm going to clean my car today! inside and out... but that requires me spending money... but i'm not supposed to be spending money... i'll clean it out some other time... at least sometime before winter...

anyways... you get the picture. i hate that i can't seem to follow through... i guess its a self control thing... i just suck at times and it really frustrates me, but i suppose its just an awful habit of mine. i procrastinate. WAY too much.


i am constantly getting surprised these days...

~*~ the relief society presidency was released on sunday. it really was a shock to me! i went to the presidency meeting at 10:30 like i did every sunday, and Norma asked if the bishopric had gotten a hold of us during the week, and kass and i just looked at each other... "Noo..." So norma was just like "Oh well, we're getting released today." WHAT?! i really really was not expecting this... and i'll honestly say that i'm sad. really sad. i was really starting to get into it, i was really looking forward to the next few months, but i suppose Norma had been a president for a little over a year, so they released her, and the counselors with her. I tried really hard to not cry when i found out. i don't know what i'm going to do... i loved that calling. i loved it so much.

~*~ great grandpa wood passed away. it was a little unexpected that he would have such complications, but once he was a vegetable we knew it was time to let him go. now he can be with grandma nella, and grandpa wood, so i'm sure he's happier. we had his funeral on monday down in cedar city. so we took a waaayy long family road trip. but it was a lot of fun, i mean its horrible to say i feel, but i had a lovely time with my family, even if it was at a funeral.

~*~ miss kelli floyd is ENGAGED! yep yep. she said yes on monday night this week after her and hector went to california. i was waiting for this, i mean i knew it was imminent, it just still is crazy to think about her and hector really tying the knot... after all of our plotting and daydreaming... haha. the big day is supposed to be december 18 somewhere in southern california.

~*~ lil sis has a boyfren. his name is juel. haha. we think its funny- Juel and Joel. yeah yeah, i guess me and her are more alike than we care to admit sometimes ;) haha.

~*~ i brought Joel to a family dinner on sunday after church, he was sweet enough that he came to my church because i was teaching a lesson, and also had a talk, and this was after his church even, so he went to 6 hours! he's such a good boyfriend :) and so i brought him to my house for a dinner. aunt jen was there, grandma, all my sisters, and my parents. the dinner was fantastic (so much better than what i had planned for me and him to eat) and the conversation was just so... my family. haha. we were utterly ridiculous! i love my family so much, i love our dinners so much! we just laugh, and sing, and tell stories, and talk about spiritual stuff, and laugh some more, we tease, we just have the best memories there. i miss dinner with my family. they are so wonderful :) Joel did fantastically despite how crazy everything was. he said he had a great time, that he was inwardly laughing at the chaos, and thanked me for inviting him to come along. my family likes him. a lot. steff even said she has never liked any of the guys i've liked before, but she does like Joel. which is definitely something i can live with :)

~*~ i realized that i think i love Joel. i realized this when he was sitting with me at the Scera Theatres' version of Hairspray. he hated being there. haha. musicals are SO not his cup of tea. he was just, enduring it. but he was just so cute. he was willing to sit through 3 hours of something he doesn't like just because i had asked him to. i don't know exactly why i realized it precisely, i knew that when i looked over at him and he had a look of such un-interest, i just said in my head "I love him."

~*~ one of my closest dearest and most loved friends has decided to not believe in the gospel anymore. this hurts my heart more than anything. she says she questions it all. she says there are so many holes. she posted something incredibly sacred online for people to just read, i didn't read it, i don't want to know, all i know is what she posted is sacred, and i don't know why i feel like i do, i don't know why i feel so hurt because of that because i don't even understand the magnitude of it all, but i just know that my heart hurts for her. hurts for her insensitivity. and i just don't understand... she used to believe. i know she did. and yeah maybe part of it was that we were young, but that doesn't mean it wasn't true. these things used to be sacred to her... and i just don't know. i think life has made her heart a little hard. and i cried when i found this all out. i just love her so much... and i just don't know what to do... what to say... i don't want to do anything stupid and say something that would hurt her feelings or push her further away from the church... but i just worry. and i care so much for her... and i just want her to be happy. and i know that she isn't right now. i suppose that is what i really want more than anything... i want her to be truly happy. so if this is what makes her happy, even though i know it really won't in the long run, i suppose i don't want to try to stop her.

~*~ this is a silly one: the 30 Seconds to Mars singer swore at me at his concert on Saturday. haha.


(just fyi, i started this one a reallll long time ago, but never finished it. i wrote this September 16th and am now just posting it)

soooo... i have a boyfriend again :) this is happy news i do believe. his name is Joel Russell Anderson (note the ON and not EN, it symbolizes eternalness or oneness with God or something something... one time he ranted about how the way his name is spelled is the better way, and it was just funny. haha) ANYWAYS, sidetrack! so me and Joel have been official for about a week now, but we pretty much have been dating ever since we met, which was July 10th. huh... i think its kinda weird i know that... but oh well. so we made things official on September 10th. So we have been dating for about two months. and guess how long he has been off his mission? THREE months. sooo... yeah! you be the judge. this is a little fast. however if he had had his way we would have been made official a loooonng time ago. which probably would have made his parents even more upset. oh yeah, they definitely do not support Joel dating me. mostly because they don't want Joel to get married yet, and they think i'm a player :-/ which is frustrating, because i'm not. and they only think that because i didn't want to get in a relationship because i wanted him to get to know other people and especially other girls and stuff. i just can't win. sigh. but oh wells. soo about me and joel. we are two shorties. haha. we are the same height (my hair is bigger sometimes though). we get along really well, most of the time anyways. haha. he has a really jealous side to him which i don't love, but in its own way its kinda cute. he makes me smile. A LOT : D

Friday, August 6, 2010


i feel like a mannequin.
full face
full smile
full figure
but sometimes i feel devoid of feeling.

always a flirt
with an impish grin
stringing along
knowing what to say
knowing how to act
and making them stay
but keeping my heart intact.

i have my ears open
always listening to others
their joys
their pains
their lives
but my mouth stays closed.
i rarely share mine.

one-way connections.
i feel as though i am there for others
the mannequin they can talk to.
but the one who doesn't talk back.
i listen well.
too well?

i don't like to share.
i'd rather smile and nod.
in my perfect mannequin way.
but that can't be how it should work.
why won't i let people in?
why do i chose to be distant?

Saturday, July 31, 2010


this is just a short post, nothing huge to say. only that my life is wonderful and beautiful and that i love my ward in a way that i never thought i would. i never thought that such a diverse group of people could feel like home to me. but thats what it is, that is the feeling i get when i am with them. they have become my family here. yes i still have and love my family, but these are the people that i go to to help me out, to listen to me, and i listen to them, to just hang out with, to share with, to serve with, to learn and grow with. they are my support. they make my life full and joyous. and its strange to me to think that something that i was so un-involved with a year ago, has become what my life revolves around. i love it. i love these people.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

age is a number

age is such a funny thing.

once upon a time, i was very intimidated by people older than me. i wasn't intimidated by people like the same age as my parents, but by people who were only a few years older than me. i used to think "why are they talking to me?! i'm so much younger than them, this is so awkward!" then eventually people only a year or two older than me didn't seem so intimidating. but then i came to college, and i was fine with people close to my age i was comfortable with, but i met other people who were like 26, i still felt awkward, like they shouldn't be wanting hanging out with me. then i met "the guys" the ones i did crazy adventures with at the beginning of the summer, and they were 25, and it made me realize that age didn't matter.

so this is something i have finally been able to get over. age just doesn't matter to me anymore. i mean, maturity cannot be measured in years i think, just in experiences. so this summer i have been mixing and mingling with the people that i fit in best with, maturity wise and all that jazz, and it usually means i'm hanging out with people much older than me.

but i don't even care anymore! i love the people i hang out with! they make me feel good about myself, my values, people around me, and the things we do. these are the kind of people i want to be around. they are the ones that make me happiest! i mean, i have several groups of people that i hang out with, and the people that i have been hanging out with most recently have made me realize the kind of people i prefer to be around, because although the spirit is not like "with us" when we are playing rock band, or making crazy brownies or whatever, i feel as though, it could be there. i just always have a good feeling when i'm with them. and i don't understand why people wouldn't want to feel this way, i don't know how i ever had a good time without this undeniable happiness that i just feel is bursting from within me!

honestly truly, i don't know how life could be any better for me... it almost makes me a little apprehensive about the future, because life is just SO wonderful! it's almost too good to be true, and there has got to be a crash coming around the corner. but for now, i will just continue to be thoroughly content with life :)

Friday, July 16, 2010


hello friends, it has been a million years since i've last posted anything. for this i do have an excuse! i have been very much away from a computer these days since my daddy has gotten in the habit of stealing mine. and i have been very much ok with it lately actually! surprisingly, since at first i was like "oh my gosh, no computer?! what am i going to do?! i have nothing here to help me waste hours and hours of time!!" but now i am like, oh hey i was wasting my life away doing absolutely nothing of importance. SO, the only reason why i am even on a computer now is because i am stuck at UVU waiting for an appointment with an advisor lady to get me off of probation. Yeahhhh, ok so lets get that out of the way, I'm on academic probation.  BUT, it's all good! I did the workshop, i met with my major advisor, i figured out the classes i'm gonna take next semester, so i should be good to go, and i should still be able to even make it into the nursing program, as long as i can pull off an A in my math class. yaaayyy math lab is all i'm gonna say

oh and to add to the theme of "probation" i am currently on probation because of two exceeding speeding tickets too. haha, yeaahhhh. i met with a points officer guy at the DMV yesterday for a hearing, and compared to my first experience in a "hearing" format, it was much nicer, and much less intimidating. i got to sit behind a desk, instead of at a stand in front of an angry looking judge and a bailiff in the corner... yeah. much nicer this time. so now i only have to be a really super extra careful good driver for the next 2 years... no big deal... this is definitely going to make me need to wake up earlier in the morning so i don't speed off to work.

ahhhh, life. so i think i can pretty much define my life lately in one word: FRIENDS. so since i live by myself all aloney-on-my-owney i have had to make friends with other people and apartments so i'm not alone all the time. this has made my summer AMAZING. i will not lie. I have SOOO lucked out in being able to make lots of friends, and i'm not even sure why, but somehow it has happened and i have been having the time of my life! i think the best part for me is that they are all different mixes of people, i can just blend in so many groups in my ward, and i just LOVE it. so if i don't like what one group is doing, i can see what the other groups are up to, and its just been uber nice. There's my work friends, who i love dearly! seriously, i love going to work just to see them. it feels like we're just hanging out sometimes, the way we get to talkin. its so much fun! i went to my first bridal shower for one of my friends, and i'll be going to her reception on saturday too. Then there's the guys of D318, which are Jake, Evan, Chris, and Matt. they are a good time, you can often find me with them playing volleyball, blowing fire, or something else ridiculous. Then there's my Kelli, Cami, and Markel friends. they are a little bit rougher edged, but i love them! we spend wayyy too much time just hanging outside of the pool, throwing snaps out their window onto poor pool-goers, and planning Kelli's wedding to her latin lover Hector. Ok so maybe not the wedding thing... YET. its gonna happen though, we all know it. Then there's my Brookie! I love her, and i'm now getting to love her roommate Cami too! We've been spending a lotta time together, since we are fellowshipping buddies, and we just think we are funny. tee hee. Cami and i are going on double date tomorrow to seven peaks with our wyoming boys too! it should be a good time. I'm excited! (though i think i need to buy a new swimsuit that doesn't slide around so much, i almost had a couple of bad experiences last night playing water no-rules basketball with the guys) Then i have a couple of guys i've been getting to know, and most of them are not in a romantic way, but we spend a lot of time together.

Ruben: he's a friend of Alexa's from Dixie, but he moved up here. he's a pretty chill guy, we've been hanging out a lot, especially because i drag him to ward activities and such so he can get to know people. he's a gangsta (self-proclaimed of course) and he's into graphic design, which is way cool! he's even let me play with his photoshop stuff, and its awesome! he has a drawing pad, which i have always wanted.

Kyle: or Special K, or Junior. he goes by all of them. now he... he... he is a very interesting child. haha. to say the least. to be perfectly honest, i don't really understand him.. .at all. haha. i never really know what he's talking about, he's very strange, he says awkward things, and comes up with crazy hypothetical situations he wants to work out with you. he is hilarious though, and he's very sweet. he has taken me out to dinner a few times, but they're not dates, they're just him wanting to spend time with people, he does it a lot. and hey i'm not gonna complain, free food is free food.

Joel: ok, now i just met him... not even a week ago. haha. BUT, he's a really sweet guy, and we have been talking A LOT. like A LOT A LOT. so we met last saturday when mutual friends came to Lagoon, and he's a shorty boy, but he's a cutie :) we flirted a lot, and we had a good time, and we kinda cuddled by the end of the night. so then sunday night, we talked for two hours. then monday night, two and a half. tuesday, three. wednesday, two. and thursday, only like 1, only because i was doing things with fun people. he's coming down tonight though, and we're gonna do dinner and a movie, and then he's staying the night and tomorrow we're doing the seven peaks thing, and then the wedding reception. it should be fun, i'm excited!

ok, now i have to go meet with my advisor, so au revoir until laters!

Sunday, June 13, 2010

you're my girl

today, i was once again touched by seeing what true love looks like.

we had a relief society breakfast meeting this morning at the Spencer's house. we sat and discussed the women, who we need to visit, when we're going to make our visiting teaching lists, who's teaching what lesson when, etc. etc. anyhow, we finished with our meeting, and then we proceeded to eat the very "low fat and low cal" breakfast Bro Spencer made us (he used low fat cheese, bacon, sausage... haha yeah. so its not at all low fat or low cal) but at any rate, it was delicious and unfortunately we didn't eat enough of it says Bro Spencer, even though we were all stuffed. we then went back to the living room where Norma, my R.S. president had some thoughts she wanted to share with us. she shared with us a portion of the talk by Jeffrey R. Holland from this last general conference. its entitled "Place No More for the Enemy of My Soul". I remembered hearing bits and pieces of this talk way back in April, but i won't deny, i'm pretty sure i was asleep for most of this one. which is really too bad, because i thoroughly enjoyed this talk, and it truly touched my heart today. This is the portion that really got me:

"Why is lust such a deadly sin? Well, in addition to the completely Spirit-destroying impact it has upon our souls, I think it is a sin because it defiles the highest and holiest relationship God gives us in mortality—the love that a man and a woman have for each other and the desire that couple has to bring children into a family intended to be forever. Someone said once that true love must include the idea of permanence. True love endures. But lust changes as quickly as it can turn a pornographic page or glance at yet another potential object for gratification walking by, male or female. True love we are absolutely giddy about—as I am about Sister Holland; we shout it from the housetops. But lust is characterized by shame and stealth and is almost pathologically clandestine—the later and darker the hour the better, with a double-bolted door just in case. Love makes us instinctively reach out to God and other people. Lust, on the other hand, is anything but godly and celebrates self-indulgence. Love comes with open hands and open heart; lust comes with only an open appetite."

(For the whole talk see the May 2010 Ensign or this link:,5232,23-1-1207-16,00.html)

this just really spoke to me. it re-affirmed my suspiscions that i truly have not fully known love. maybe for a little while i did, but for the most part, i have been operating in lust. this, is not how i want to live my life. this is not how i want to date. i don't want to be full of lust, i want to be full of love. but this lust thing, its like an addiction to me, i feel as though i'm addicted to lust.

i like kissing. this i won't deny. i think its a very fun thing to do, and i thoroughly enjoy it. however, most of the time, my kissing doesn't mean anything. its just, something to do. but i don't want that anymore. i've had my share of NCMO's, friends with benefits and whatever whatever, and i'm through. i want it to mean something! i want to get that swoopy sensation in my tummy when i finally kiss a guy that i have a crush on! thats only happened to me once, and maybe twice... and its magical :) that i feel is like what love should be like. i should be able to think back on being with that someone, and get a big goofy grin on my face because i like them so much and they make me so unbelievably happy. so i suppose i'm making a new bar for myself- i will only kiss guys that i have true feelings for. i will be kissing for commitment, not recreation. because that is what i really want, not a guy just looking for a hook up, but someone who is truly interested in me and wants to get to know me and spend time with me, and not just my mouth. i want a guy who will respect me, take me out on a date, pay for my things, open my door, prove to me that chivalry is not dead.

anyways, that is what i decided after hearing that little tid bit of talk, but then just a few moments later Brother Spencer said something that just totally reaffirmed everything in my mind. we were discussing how lust can take many different forms, and Norma was saying that for her she is lustful when it comes to shopping. This, is one of Sister Spencer's favorite things in the whole wide world. She loves shoe shopping. so Brother Spencer was kind of teasing her about how she once bought like $500 dollars worth of shoes online. She was going on about how he couldn't be mad, he was the one who gave her the credit card! She said "You gave it to me!" to which Brother Spencer said, with so much love as he looked at her with his kind eyes, "Of course I did. You're my girl." This simple statement, while looking at Brother Spencer look at his wife, nearly brought me to tears. He loves her so much. So so much. Sister Spencer suffers from strokes, she's had a couple of really bad ones in her past which altered her brain and personality, which make her sometimes difficult to understand when she talks and she is very energetic, often overly energetic, she doesn't really have a soft level, unless she's praying, she's usually very loud and is just very excited to say what she needs to say all the time. I would have such a hard time dealing with someone like that all the time, but Brother Spencer is such an example of patience that it is truly humbling. he is miraculous.

maybe this is weird to say, but he really is the kind of man that i want to marry. he is the most incredible person. he has this amazing capability to make you feel like you are special, and that he loves you more than everyone else, even when you know he loves everyone just the same. he still will make you feel like he is especially interested in you and what you are doing. i feel like he is the dad of the ward. he loves everyone, wants to say hello to everyone, wants to make everyone feel welcome, and wants everyone to join and be involved in the "true and living ward." and i want to marry someone who has the spirit that Brother Spencer brings to this ward, and as odd as it sounds, he really will be a man that i will compare my future spouse against. i am so blessed to have him in my life.

Brother Spencer and Bishop Kokkola. Two of my very favorite leaders, ever.

Saturday, June 12, 2010


i went to the temple yesterday. i meant to blog about it then, but i wanted to write a lot about it, and didn't leave myself a whole lot of time to do it before i had to get to bed before work, so i will admit i put it off til today.

anyhow, let us begin. i went to the Provo temple for the first time in three years, on June 10th, 2010, with my mommy. wow. three years? how terribly awful that number sounds to me. that is such an awful long time. i think the worst part is that i chose to keep it that long, just through my actions... hindsight is always 20/20 isn't it?

so walking up to the temple was quite nerve wracking. i was walking with my mamacita, and the whole time i felt like my heart was going to beat out of my chest. i honestly couldn't believe that it was really happening. i was really going to the temple. i was really going inside this time. not just to sit on the grounds, gazing longingly, but INSIDE. it was just so... surreal. for so long i couldn't go, and then all of a sudden, i could. and i felt very nervous. very very nervous. and anxious.

so we walked in, me and mom, and i felt so... lost. haha, i hadn't been in so long, and i had forgotten everything that i was supposed to do. where to go get to the baptistry, what size jumper i was supposed to wear, where i was supposed to get dressed, etc etc. thank goodness for such sweet ladies that work in the temple who took pity on me and were able to help me out. once i had the clothes i needed, i walked into an open stall, and i just kind of broke down and cried. i honestly couldn't believe how good it felt to just be in the temple. i was just so touched by the spirit of the place, and i swore to myself, that i would never do anything that would keep me from being able to go there again. and i will keep this promise, i honestly cannot believe it's taken me so long to get here.

so i got dressed, and then since i had some family names that my grandma had found for me, i sat in the pews waiting to go into the font. my mom came and sat by me. she was so happy for me, she was just beside herself the entire time we were there, she has been waiting for this moment for so long. it was like i was the prodigal son. i could just see in her eyes how so relieved she was that i was finally coming back to her. it reminded me of a poem i had read earlier that day in the Ensign. it went like this:

The Prodigal
By Ronald Peterson

I lift my head unto the Lord and cry,
"My son has strayed from Thee!"
My thoughts resound,
"I teach and love and pray,
Yet he will not respond.
Leave me not to fight alone.
I love him so."

I cry at his and my infirmity.
i search Thy word for help to guide,
And with the Holy Spirit's aid,
Reach out to find my prodigal.
And, lo, in voice to touch my soul,
I hear God's word.

"He's your son! He's My son!"
His will must be his own.
My love's not less than thine.
I tenderly entrust him to your care.
Love him, lead him, and endure.
If he will come at length,
'Twill be through thee and Me.

"He's your son! He's My son!
Together find our victory!"

I like to think that i've returned, that finally my mom can have her victory, that all her prayers and guidance have not been in vain. and this poem really just speaks to me, because when i see how happy my mom is, it gives me a tiny glimpse of what Heavenly Father must be feeling, and it makes me happy to have done that for them.

i had a great spiritual experience there in the temple. i feel as though i really drew closer to God. i feel like i really connected. there were many tears shed. there were many comforting words from my mom. there were many tender hugs. it was just overwhelmingly peaceful and marvelous.i'm so glad to have had that opportunity. i only hope that i can have many more. i'm planning on making this a weekly thing, and i'm hoping it will bring me more chances to hearken to the Spirit, and have it help guide me in helping the ladies in my ward. i just want to be able to serve them to the best of my ability. i prayed for help in my calling a lot. I feel like i have such responsibility, and i feel like i can do so much better. so hopefully, this will be a great tool for me. because i still feel so inadequete, and i can use all the help i can get.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

run away

so there have been times in my life where i've wanted to run away. when i was really little i would run out of the house, being very angry, and run to the end of the street, and go and sit at the pocket park. oh the pocket park, it wasn't even fun. it was a little patch of grass with a few baby trees and a sandpit. nothing special, but it was where i would run to, because there was nowhere else for me to go. so i would stay and sit in the sand, and think and vent, for what felt like ages, and be back in my own home safe and sound within 45 minutes, an hour tops.

when i was 16 i ran away for a few hours. things at home had gotten out of my control, they knew things i didn't want them to know, and i felt like i couldn't face them anymore. i was going to run away to logan and stay with alexa, but i had to find somewhere to stay for the night at least. so i ran to my friend jackies house, and she was hiding me quite well for a while, until alexa told my parents where i was, and my dad came to pick me up. so it wasn't very successful, but it definitely was an adventure.

i think that its very normal for just about anyone to go through a phase where this is somewhat appealing to them. but the thing is that now i'm a little bit older and wiser, and running away doesn't quite appeal to me like it once did. because, well let's face it, running away doesn't solve anything really. it only prolongs what is inevitable.

my friend, hasn't outgrown this phase. he quite literally wants to run away from pretty much everything. he told me that within the next month he wants to slip away in the night and take only the clothes on his back, his ipod, a book with phone numbers in it, and his scriptures and then see how far he can go. he thinks he can make it to the east coast. i think the idea is just about as ridiculous as he is.

but he also is wanting to run away from... well me. well not just me, just something like the idea of me. he says that he suffers from "heartbreak's disease." he suffered a major blow to the heart last year, and since then he's put up walls from getting emotionally close to people, in order to keep him from getting hurt. and he says that if he meets someone who has the potential to get close to him, he runs away. he said he should have run away from the last girl, but he didn't, and it screwed him over. so thats what he told me on sunday morning. he told me that he was going to run away from me. i told him that i think its sad the way he lives his life, always running away from everything. it seems childish. and maybe i'm just niave, or maybe i haven't had my heart broken like him, but i don't think he should run, not for my sake, but for his.

so this is my question: is it truly better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all? because frankly i'm young enough and silly enough and niave enough to think that falling in love and getting hurt is worth it, because its all part of life! each relationship, each person you meet has an impact on your life, and it makes you who you are! i know i'm too trusting, i know i let people get too close to me too fast, but this is how i live my life, and i wouldn't change it at all.

Thursday, May 27, 2010


 by Charlotte Martin

Every tree has got her root and every girl forbidden fruit
As well as demons...
And the path I chose to go, a different girl so long ago,
Well I had my reasons..
And she's in my head so loud and screaming
“Should you be proud of what you came from”?
“You've been crippled and you've walked and you've been shut up
and you've talked so let's talk some more”..

Where is the hand for me to reach?
Where is the moral I'll never teach myself?
In all the black, in all the grief, I am redeemed

And it's ripping at my heart cause I've been dodging all these darts
And on a slow train
And I wear it till it tatters and it shatters on the floor
In instant replay
Well we're all rotten and we're pure and we're just looking for a cure that feels like spring snow
And what we have is what we are and where we've been got us this far so let me go…

Where is the hand for me to reach?
Where is the moral I'll never teach myself?
In all the black, in all the grief, I am redeemed

Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
Yah yah yah yah yah yah yah yah yah yah
Oh ho oh ho oh ho...

Where is the hand for me to reach?
Where is the moral I'll never teach myself?
In all the black, in all the grief, through all the pain
And unbelief- these are the words that they all scream..
I am redeemed

it rains

"Everytime it Rains"
by Charlotte Martin

Every time it rains I listen to the sky
And wonder what's so great about sunshine
Everybody lives and everybody dies
And no one's gonna love you like I do

When it was getting dark
I didn't need a match
I never needed light to see you
You thought I disappeared
But I was always here
I could never get that far from you

Though I misunderstand
And been misunderstood
So love me 'cause you can
And not because you should

Every time it rains
I know it's good to be alive
Every time it rains
I know I'm trying to survive

Take it as it comes
And take me as I am
I never was a good imposter
But I know how to dream
And don't know where I stand
I'm willing to admit I try too hard
Stop playing with my heart

I'm waiting by the phone
Afraid to be myself
Afraid to be alone

Every time it rains
I know it's good to be alive
Every time it rains
I know I'm trying to survive
And every time it rains
I'm gonna hide myself inside

I know it's good to be alive
I know it's good to be alive
I know it's good to be alive

Every time it rains
I know it's good to be alive
Every time it rains
I know I'm trying to survive


By Charlotte Martin

I know you know
Let the life come back and force through my veins
It goes, it goes
Through the protons, neutrons, securing the frame
Say yes, say no
It's a matter of me forcing the praise
Put on the new
Woman, man, and child who are breaking the braces

The catacombs
And revolving doors inside of my brain
Preachers and whores
And neon pulpits burst into flames
I come from both sides
of me and either side of their tracks
Humbling my ghosts
Letting life that floods my veins bring me back

And the unshackling of the chains on my wrists
And the loyalty to pain that resists
And the greatest books are talking about this
Why must everybody die to exist?

Hello my love
Seeking passages and food for your soul
On 95
Look ahead cause they're not filling that hole yet
Come lay your hands
Over mine and it will make us both brave
Braver to know
Let the light, the life force back in our veins

The unshackling of the chains on my wrists
And the loyalty to pain that resists
And the greatest books are talking about this
Why must everybody die to exist?

Are you ready for the power of god?
Are you waiting for the saints to all nod?
At the girl who should be raised from the dead?
At the demons who've been forced from my head?

Oh hallelujah
Oh hallelujah
Oh hallelujah I've come undone
Oh hallelujah
Oh hallelujah
Oh hallelujah I've come undone

The unshackling of the chains on my wrists
The loyalty to pain that resists
And the greatest books are talking about this
Why must everybody die to exist?

Are you ready for the power of god?
Are you waiting for the saints to all nod?
At the girl who should be raised from the dead?
At the demons who've been forced from my head?

won't fall

"The Fear You Won't Fall"
by Joshua Radin

Diggin a hole and the walls are caving in
behind me,
airs gettin thin but I'm trying,
I'm breathing in,
come find me

It hasn't felt like this before
It hasn't felt like home... before you

And I know its easy to say, but its harder to feel this way
And I miss you more than I should, than I thought I could
I can't get my mind off of you

I know you're scared that I'll soon be over it,
thats part of it all,
part of the beauty of falling in love with you,
is the fear you won't fall

It hasn't felt like this before
It hasn't felt like home... before you

And I know it's easy to say, but it's harder to feel this way
And I miss you more than I should, than I thought I could,
I can't get my mind off of you

And I hate the phone
but I wish you'd call
thought being alone,
was better than, was better than...

And I know its easy to say, but its harder to feel this way
And I miss you more than I should, than I thought I could
I can't get my mind off of you.
can't get my mind off of you

Saturday, May 22, 2010


A word with so many connotations.
Can mean so many things.
Now a name.
"Stay away from me."
I don't see why.
We all have troubles.
You're not alone in this.
That's how you feel.
Just try again.
It's what you should do.
Will always be your friend.
Your enemy.
Finding you at every opportunity.
If you let it.
Don't you think I know?
Do you think I'm naive?
I do.
And I don't.
We talk too much.
Secrets come out.
Sharing things I didn't even know.
Didn't dare admit.
Making me think.
Thinking about you.
About me.
Where does my heart lie?
Too many questions.
Too much to say.
Can only lead to,

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

blueberry pancakes

so i finally made the blueberry pancakes i have been planning on making for like... over a week now. i finally put some effort into cooking this morning. and oh baby oh baby, i am SO glad i did. they were fantastic, i won't deny. mmmm yummmy yummy. the pancakes are kinda funny though, they consist of yogurt, cottage cheese, eggs, wheat flour, salt, and baking soda. i was a little skeptical about how they would turn out, BUT they were lovely. then i just topped them with the blueberry syrup i made. and they were extremely delicious, however, do NOT burn them. because burnt yogurt tastes really bad.


so update about life:

1) i gave a talk at church on sunday. i was SO nervous! it was my first "full length" talk. you know, not the little kid/youth speaker talk that lasts like 3 minutes if that. i had timed myself, and it was about a 14 minute talk. so i was pretty impressed with myself, however i'm sure it was shorter, because i was talking really fast. haha. its one of those things that happens when i'm nervous though. my family came, and i was so happy to see them! they even printed off my talk, they're so nice :) haha, Bro Spencer even jokingly thanked them for coming to our ward, and doubling our numbers. haha. yeahhhh. there were not very many people, and in a way, i was rather sad about that. there were a few people i wished had been there, but i suppose i can't feel too badly. thats life.


2) meet my best fellowshipping buddy! this is Brooke- i mean Brookie! (well she is trying to get people to call her Brookie, but even she is forgetting that most of the time.) her favorite color is yellow. she is in love with the Beatles. She's from St. George. We hung out when i went to visit Alexa cuz we were both down there! haha. She is such a doll!! we are getting to be pretty great friends. we hang out a lot, i'm sure you gathered that since i'm pretty much always over at her apartment. anyways! i love her to death, because we are very much on the same page of life. we're both only 19, and we're both stayin in the ward. we both have very similar senses of humor, and we both act ridiculous all the time. we came up with a sweet dance on sunday night. haha. we are fun :) tee hee

Saturday, May 15, 2010

life is soo good :) really really really truly, i haven't been this happy about life for a long long long long time. i don't even remember the last time i have been this happy! It just seems like everything is going right, even when its not, it just SEEMS like everything is going along just fine and dandy. i honestly can't complain about life.

i have a great job that pays the bills, and the people there love and care about me (i mean mostly the residents, haha. like the ones who say i'm their adopted granddaughter, and who tell me i do such a good job and that i deserve a raise.) i love working with my residents! they make me so happy. even just thinking about them makes my heart lighter and happier. yeah i will admit that sometimes my job is demanding and it makes me wanna pull my hair out, but its MINE. sometimes i feel very possesive of my nursing home, and seriously question some of the people that get hired, because i don't want them working with MY sweet residents. they don't know how they like their coffee! they don't know which order to dress them in. they don't know how many tissues they like to take to meals. i know its my job to train them, but sometimes i lose my patience, and feel irritated for really no reason. i guess its just because i know how to do my job now. i'm totally and fully confident at it, i know what to do, what to say, how to handle new residents, how to handle accidents and disasters, i own my job. and i won't deny, i feel a lot of pride at the fact that i can do my job, but not only can i DO it, but i can do it WELL. i feel like i have a special place there for me. and people miss me, and they like it when i'm their aide, and their face lights up when i walk in the room. it warms my heart <3

my callings are amazing!! they keep me way busy, with all the meetings of committees, presidencies, and what not, but i think that its keeping me close to the Lord, and for that, i find the time spent doing callings completely invaluable. plus with the fact that norma gave me and kelli a really good talking to about how since we are in the presidency, we are an example to the rest of the women/girls in the ward. which means we have to be the people we preach we should be. we need to be the ones at the activities, always take the sacrament, be spiritual leaders, and don't do anything we don't want the others to do. so i've really taken that to heart, i really have been trying to live like i'm an example to others. and i really think that it's improved my life. i'm so grateful for my callings. they keep me social, grounded, and closer to God. it really doesn't get much better. despite the fact that i still feel inadequete as a leader, i still feel as though there are so many other better qualified girls in the ward. but i will try my best. and thats all i can do for now :)

so i just watched one of the most amazing movies i've ever seen. no lie. i really really really enjoyed it. i rented "slumdog millionaire" and have now watched it twice. yes, i think it really is that good. i mean its a horribly sad story, but its an amazing story as well. and i cannot tell you how grateful it has made me for the life i have lived. you know, its one of those movies that makes you wonder how you ever had any right at all to complain about the life you've had. i mean here is a story about kids that grew up in a landfill pretty much, who are constantly being hunted down by the most evil men i've ever seen, and somehow are able to make things right by the end. its a heartwrenching story. and i loved it. despite how sad it was. it was terribly clever, and it truly is about real life occurances. you know, the ones that you push to the back of your mind, because they are too horrific to comprehend. i think it was an amazing social realism piece. showing you the darker side of life.

i only wish there was something i could do you know? but how can i help from so far away? i just don't know. i feel sad thinking about children like the ones in the movie. how they were just left to fend for themselves. i know this happens all over the world, and i can't even imagine what life would be like if i had to survive like they did. its incredible what people are able to do in desperate circumstances, but still, i doubt i would have the brains or the brawn to do it, and i'm sure there are children like me who don't make it. and that breaks my heart. if only we could take care of all the children on the earth, if only if only. i suppose i can only hope that the tithing i give to the church somehow helps these children in someway or another. that, and i can pray for them.

Sunday, April 18, 2010

i stay up too late

ohhh my goodness. i pulled my first all nighter. yep. i did it. for the first, but probably not the last time. i don't really know what more to say other than this whole "staying up late thing" is getting to be such a HABIT. yep. i'm practically nocturnal. which is not exactly the best thing in the world- but hey- chances are i won't be for very much longer. SO, the night i pulled the all nighter... oh gracious. i wasn't even going to go. i wasn't! i had every intention of just staying put in my warm comfy bed, because i had work in the morning. but davide only had MY phone number, so i had to wait for him to call me to get any information about the four of us, so he kept calling, then he came over. then they were waiting for tommy to be done with something so he could come along with everyone. so they all were in cassidy's room chatting and laughing away... and i was attempting to sleep in my bed, but it was really really not working. so when it came down to leaving... i left with them. haha. so we went to tommy's. we went to beto's (of course. these boys are addicted. they go ALL the time.) then on again to seven peaks at 2:30 in the morning. this time with jill and tommy though. and i will admit, it was a lot more fun the second time! haha. jill was totally scared and only went down once with me and then sat at the bottom of the slide the rest of the time. and tommy was just funny the whole time. it was a good time, all 6 of us just hanging out. unfortunately we didn't get back to the apartment til 5. and i had work at 6. splendid! so i made myself breakfast and got ready for work. and that is that. it was utterly ridiculous- i was falling asleep as i was feeding people during breakfast. but then i took my lunch, which meant i went in my car and crashed for a half hour. then i was able to function the rest of the shift. haha. it was still a good time. so friday we all crashed and slept like all day and watched movies and that was it. but then on saturday we went on another adventure with davide and rhett. haha. those two are really funny.  we drove up to Park City and we snuck into a spa at one of the hotels at the canyons. haha. yes we drove all the way up to park city to go to a hot tub. dumb? yes. a good time nonetheless? heck yes! haha. so that night we got back at 6. then we slept til noon, and then we had church. haha. and we got davide and rhett to both go. so yay us! at any rate- these boys are terribly funny, a really great time, and they have us trying to find somehting to do ALL the time. we are always lookign for stuff to do, instead of doing normal things like sleep and studying. haha. like last night, we didn't even start out hanging out til after 11. then we watched Return of the King- the extended version. NO LIE. it was insanely long! and most everyone fell asleep at somepoint. then after the movie, we just sat there for a really long time, and then tommy said we should have a wrestling match... haha. yes so we all wrestled, and freaking davide is a tank. home at 5 in the morning. haha. wow- we have gone on more adventures together these past two weeks than we have like all semester. i will be sad when they leave me :( first because they are like my only friends- the ones i do the most stuff with- but also because i don't think i'll be hanging out with the guys after this. because its not that they want to hang out with just me- they wanna hang out with the four of us together, because we're a freaking good time! not gonna lie. we are HILARIOUS. i mean- i'd wanna hang out with us. we're funny. so its a package deal when they wanna hang out. they want all of us. so urgh, i'm thinking once everyone leaves- i'm going to be lonely lonely. boo. oh wells- i can't worry about what hasn't happened yet. i'm just gonna focus on the fact that i am having the time of my life and there ain't nothing gonna bring me down. this summer- is going to be amazzzzing. i'll make it so :)

Monday, April 12, 2010

hmmm... nothing

it's 9:30 on a monday night and i have nothing to do. nothing. no homework. nothing is due. and i'm bored and well, i haven't been blogging much. so here goes- a little bit of blogging. and i'm just going to write whatever it is that i feel like. ha. ha. ha. because i can. here goes!

~ i don't think i'm a very good blogger. i'm not very profound. i usually just ramble and talk about silly things... but then when i look at other peoples blogs and they do just about the same things, i think its absolutely amazing! so perhaps i judge myself too harshly.

~ i may not be the hottest girl in the world, but i seem to be attracting a fair amount of attention from persons of the opposite sex. i am not sure how i feel about this, considering the fact that i do not want to pursue anything of the romantic type sort for a considerable amount of time. i guess i can say, i'm flattered, and i want the attention, but i don't at the same time. i want them to leave me alone, so i can completely focus on myself actually. i am going through quite the selfish phase here. i want to take care of me... before i worry about taking care of someone else.

~ i really hard core cleaned my apartment today. i cleaned my room quite thoroughly, getting rid of all the clutter on my desk so now i can actually use it. i picked up and folded and hung up all of the clothes that were on my floor. put all my shoes in their cubbies. dusted my desk and chair. i cleaned the sink in the kitchen and bathroom. the mirror. the toilet (not cassidy's toilet though. it is disgustingly clogged, and for some hairbrained reason she isn't getting it fixed. so it sits there. with the sewage just chillin in the pot. its been like that for DAYS. ew. gross. all i'm going to say) the bathtub. the counters in the kitchen. the dining table. the tv. the entertainment center. the baseboards. the pile of my things beside the couch. just everything pretty much. i didn't get around to actually cleaning the floor in the kitchen though. that will be a task for tomorrow i'm thinking. because it is sticky. and icky. and yeah you get the picture.

~ i want to travel. i really really want to travel. i want to go to italy! i want to go to europe! i want to go to uruguay! venezuela! costa rica! the bahamas! anywhere on this earth of ours, i want to go. i want to see! i want to go on an insane trip with friends from college (which friends... that is to be determined when i actually have some good ones... :/ ) at any rate, i want to go on a road trip. i want to go on an insane camping adventure! i just want to do something! anything! maybe something this summer... we'll see.

~ i really really really really REALLY want to redecorate my apartment. i want to buy some curtains, and pictures! and lamps, and rugs and cute things to put in my kitchen where i can store my cooking stuff. and cute dishes. and silverware. and a table cloth. and a new tv. and a full length mirror. and cuter hanging lights. and quote sticker things to put on my walls. and pretty much everything in the world. but i really want to make this place feel like its MINE. and i just think that decorating it to my liking would make it feel more like home. maybe i'll have steff help me out. she has such a great eye for fashion and cute home decor type stuff. OH MAN! i just realized that cassidy is going to take all the comfy pillows from the apartment too! DANG! i'll have to get throw pillows too. ah. this is goin to cost a fortune. but oh wells. i think it'll be worth it :)

~ i am obsessed with a silly ridiculous total time-wasting game. its called plants vs. zombies and i pretty much play it ALL the time. i really need to put a time limit on how much i play- because if i'm not careful, i could spend hours. basically, you plant plants like a peashooter, or a cob-pult, or melon launcher, or a wall-nut, and you try to keep the zombies from getting to your house and eating your brains. it sounds SO dumb, and it IS dumb! but i can't get away from it! i love it so much. the zombies are silly, and i will end this segment with this statement- i hate the michael jackson zombie and all of his ridiculous back-up dancers.

~ i am starting to not love the show i watch anymore. gossip girl, a show that my roommates got me hooked on, is really starting to take a turn for the worst. at first, i liked it, then the right people were ending up with each other so i was so happy! and now they are all being stupid and breaking up and being liars and decievers. stupid stupid upper east side. sigh. chuck and blair broke up for good. the show is pretty much dead to me. except i have to find out why lily was at dr. van der woodsen's house... and i have to know whether that dumb lil jenny actually gets nate. because that would be sad sad sad. because i love nate. really. and not just because he is incredibly sexy, but because he's a sweet guy, although a little naive. oh wells. so despite not really wanting to... i will be tuning in next week. haha.

~ i want a new laptop. they have such gorgeous ones at best buy! (not to mention gorgeous guys too! i'm very quite serious. they have some very attractive salesmen. i think they do that on purpose) but chances are i will not get one. not for a while anyways. probably not until i can do financing to get one.

~ I HATE CREDIT. the end. i hate the fact that i have to have credit to do anything, but nobody is willing to give me the chance to get credit. and the fact that me applying to get credit cards has been hurting the credit I DON'T EVEN HAVE, really really iritates me. URGH. don't even get me started on a rant about it. it makes NO SENSE to me.

~ my apartment smells good for once in my life. it's because i bought febreeze noticables. they are fantastic. i want this place to smell this good allll the time :)

~ Wal-mart makes BANK off of me. i'm not even kidding. out of all the places i spend money- its the most. probably because i go there for everything. clothes. food. odds and ends. yeah... over just the past like 6 days, i've been there 4 times for whatever whatever. i really need to work on my spending. i need to not get side-tracked or buy a bunch of things NOT on my list. booo sales and my impulse to spend a bunch of money now that i have my tax refund!

~ it's raining outside. i can hear it pounding on the pavement and the little window pavillions they put over the doors so you don't get terribly wet. it was so nice and warm and lovely today... now its raining. its the reason why we didn't get to have our bonfire for FHE tonight. and i do like the rain a lot. but not so much when its cold. i like warm rain. it brings all kinds of memories flooding back to me. i love the smell of rain on warm concrete. and it makes me think of when me and steff used to build all kinds of forts in the backyard with our swingset and the plastic pool and the turtle sandbox so we could sit outside while it rained, and not get wet.  and when my family was at bear lake and we were out boating and had to come in because the rain quickly turned to hail and it was pelting us all the way back to the dock. rain always brings fun memories :)