Saturday, December 26, 2009


haha. oh avatar. how you continue to entertain me. i quite love this show. i will not lie. i am such a nerd. haha. i love love love this show! this anime type cartoon dealing with the complex lives of my favorite characters. I love aang, katara, sakka, momo, aapa, uncle, toff, and zuko. I AM SUCH A NERD. really, its a cartoon. and i'm almost 19. i can't really even talk about it with most people because they don't even know about it. and the people that do know about it, and could talk with me about it, well actually, we're not talking right now. so i have to keep my nerdspeak to a minimum. haha. at least my family watches it with me. steff and i have been watching it allllllll day pretty much. we even recorded it. so we can watch it whenever we want. woo hoo!

so there's a movie out right now called avatar, and it has nothing to do with this show that i love so much. apparently its really good. people keep telling me that i should go see it, and at one point i was going to see it... i think. well a certain someone told me i should see it with him. but well... it never really worked out. sigh, i'm back in the dating game. and well... its weird. cuz well its not like i've really been in it long, but i just was with that one guy for so so long, or at least it feels like its been long. anyways, i hate this uncertaintity thing. i really do despise the whole "is he into me or not?" deal. i don't read him well. like one second he's saying "we should go to see this movie"or "i'll take you to see the lights" and "are we going to hang out anytime outside of work?" and then... nothing. doesn't call. text. nada. i just dunno. i don't like having to be the one to initiate things. but if i want anything to do with him, well, i have to. i don't know what that means either, dunno if he's even interested, despite what he says. sigh. oh wells.


Thursday, December 17, 2009


i feel like a stranger in my own home.
sometimes i wish i didn't worry about family.
sometimes i wish i didn't want to come home.
maybe it would make things easier.
i just never feel like i'm doing it right.
i never feel like i'm ever enough.
that the things i do, the choices i have made,
will never let this house, with these people,
feel like home, where i am unconditionally welcomed.
i've hurt them too much.
its with caution they allow me to be here.
and yes it is christmas.
it is a time of love.
among family and friends.
but being here.
with them.
these people i love.
we are just acquaintances.
we don't know eachother.
not anymore.
i can't help but feel,
that i'm a burden.
i cause pain.
i am not who they want me to be.
so i should just go home.
but i am home.
so maybe i should just go
it might be easier that way.