Thursday, October 22, 2009

i've cried

so, lately, i've found myself crying... a lot. a lotta lot. maybe it has to do with it being the time that Sir Tomas comes to visit, and maybe its because i'm just becoming more sensitive to my life. more in tune with the good, the bad, and the ugly.

i've cried because i feel closer to god. when i went to my institute class on tuesday, i had such an intensely spiritual experience that it was like physical. my chest felt like it was so swollen, and i felt like i was going to burst! i left it feeling just so overwhelmed with comfort and peace. its something that i hadn't had for such a long time. the class was about the gospel and romantic love. we discussed a talk from elder bruce c. hafen. it was such a perfect talk for me. in fact the whole lesson was such a blessing to me. it was a confirmation that breaking up with him was the very best thing for me to do right now. and i can guarantee that if we hadn't broken up on sunday night, we definitely would have after tuesday. because in class we talked about good gospel centered relationships, and instead of feeling guilty because of my relationship, i felt free. i knew it was because i had listened to the promptings of the spirit. i knew it was because i was putting god first.

i've cried because i feel as if i've done so much spiritual damage to my dearest and closest friends. i feel like i have let so many people down. it brings me to tears just now writing about it. writing about how i don't even know how much damage i've done to my friends. i have no idea. its incalculable. and i feel so awful for it. i wish i could take back so many things, so many things i said, so many things i did, so many things i spoke of and joked about and treated with such disrespect, when these things are so sacred and special. i went outside the bounds first. i dredged myself in sin first, i took the plunge, and came back and told my friends. told them it was ok, i mean i was ok right? wrong. i was so so wrong. i was never ok. i'm still not ok. and though i'm trying so hard to get back to where i once was, back to when i was truly happy, i still am suffering from the horrible consequences of ill-made choices. suffering. every. single. day. and now i have my friends who are on the same path i was on not too long ago, and they cannot stop. and my heart aches. how different would their lives be if i hadn't been in them? would they have made the same choices? would they think twice? i feel as though i was leading people, some of them my dear close friends, to spiritual death. and i didn't even know it. not til now. how i hate myself for it.

my dear friends, if you are reading this, and i ever influenced you for the worse, please please, forgive me. i am going to forever live my life wondering if i ruined people, when i could have been so much better, if only i had been a stronger, more faithful person. god lead people into my life, and i lead them away.

we are all our brother's keeper, designed to help and lift one another to attain our divine potential, and i abused my calling. i am so sorry. so sorry. my dear friends, if you are engulfed in sin, whatever sin it may be, please know that it is not worth it. the momentary happiness you may feel, is not lasting. focus on the feelings within yourself, guilt never goes away, even if you think you've hidden it so well. you will feel heavy within. and i can testify that when you are living your life right, you feel light. focus on that. think on that. please, please stop hurting yourself.

i've cried because i feel that some very special people in my life are so far from where they should be, these are some of the people that i feel as though i've had such a negative effect on, and yet now, when i'm trying to be a good example, while i'm making sacrifices, while i'm trying to be a good influence, i feel as though they aren't trying. they say they are, but they aren't. and it hurts. i don't understand! why do they deny themselves blessings? why do they say they are trying, but don't do the little things that can help them get there? why do they continue to weaken their already weak spirituality? it makes me cry. i just don't understand.

sigh... i just cry. a lot. i don't know if this is a phase, i kinda hope it is, i mean i don't particularly enjoy being a bawl baby, but i do think that its important that i've been feeling these things. they're helping me to understand myself, and also to grow up a little bit more each day.