Saturday, August 15, 2009

oh summertime lovin

The summer is drawing to a close. In a matter of days i move into my apartment a whole 10 minutes away from home, but it will feel so much further. life will be so different. i have a job now. a job that on most days i completely adore. at the nursing home, where i do what feels like hard labor and compassionate service for 8 hours straight. starting at 6 in the morning. and yet despite the ridiculous hour- i quite enjoy my job. i love the people. i love that this is helping me get a foot in the door in the medical field. i love making the residents smile. i love doing something that is so easy for me, but it just means the world to them. i love my work no matter how exhausting it is. so now i have this job, the job to start paying for all the things i now have expenses for, but despite the pretty good pay, it never seems like enough. money seems to just slip through my fingertips. this has never really been an issue in my life until now. i never realized the intensity of stress about money and making payments. how do grownups do all these things EVERY day?!? its absurd. i think the stress will kill me. as if maintaining my job, my gpa, and church callings isn't enough.

oh gracious... perhaps i'm just emotional. and these emotions have all been caused by one little four-letter word: love.

love has been taken to so many different levels for me this summer. levels i never even dreamed about experiencing, well not at all this summer anyways.

level 1: is the love i have for my work and my residents. i really wish i could do everything. i wish i could do all the things they want and need me to do. but i just can't. i'm not superwoman, and when i'm taking care of 12 residents, some are bound to miss some of the TLC i most desperately want to give them. i used to go home feeling guilty about the things i didn't get a chance to do, but i've learned to look at all the good things i did in the day more than the things i didn't get done. which always by far outmargin the bad.

level 2: is the love i have for people who inspire me and make me want to be a better person. they are the ones who have helped me come so far from where i used to be. my family and friends have been so supportive of me, and they have helped me be more like the person i really want to be. my love has changed for them. where i used to avoid those who i didn't think would understand me, i now trust in them and i use them to help me be stronger. they know my strengths, they know my weaknesses, and they still love and support me. i'm so grateful for them and their influences.

level 3: is the love i have for the church and for my heavenly father. i finally believe that he really does know me, and knows my flaws, and knows my weaknesses, but he knows that i'm trying. he knows where my heart is, and he knows that as long as i continue to do what i know is right, he knows that i can be a valiant leader. its hard sometimes, and sometimes i want to quit trying, because it would be SO much easier to just quit and not try. but then heavenly father shares little tender mercies with me, and it changes my mind. i know that i am a daughter of god. i know that he loves me. i am so blessed. he has shown me so much love and kindness through the spirit and through those that i associate with. i have been given so much more than i deserve.

level 4: now this is the definition of love that most people think of when they think of love, this is my little shpeal about romance. for the first time in my life, i do believe that i am in love. and can i just say how much this totally terrifies me?