Sunday, January 30, 2011

no more

i refuse to feel sorry for myself.
i'm done with all my complaints.
and usually they're just in my head...
or here on this page.
but i'm sick of me right now.
and i'm sure you are too.

my life is amazing!
i have wonderful friends.
entertaining roommates.
lots of activities to be a part of.
classes to keep me busy.
good books to read.
letters to write.
lots of new foods to cook.
my clothes to pick up
(they throw themselves on the floor i swear!)
the best co-workers a girl could ask for.
a good job with wonderful residents.
(despite how much management irks me)

but its more than that.
I have a Savior who loves me.
He knows me better than anyone.
I know that He is always there for me.
I have the gospel in my life.
and it does make me happy.
having faith in this gospel makes me so happy.
it never ceases to amaze me.
how the spirit can offer such comfort.
I got that comfort today.
no matter what happens, I'll always have this gospel.
And I will always have a Savior.
And that's enough for me.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

feel better

write a letter.
you'll feel better.

i didn't think it would work out quite like it did. but hey, i started writing letters, and suddenly, i'm ok. no more pain. no more longing. i get to say everything i never did. and they're just my personal collection. i'll keep it forever. and learn this is a good way to cope. page after page after page. jotting down thoughts. feelings. memories. everything worth mentioning. all in a neat green notebook.

this is good for me.
its therapy.

Sunday, January 23, 2011


i feel blocked.

first of all, i'm blocked out of my journaling. i can't use microsoft word on my computer anymore, because apparently the product key is incorrect, even though i type it exactly how it is on the box. i think i'll have to buy a new windows package thing this week. that sucks.

i feel like i can't really tell my friends whats going on or how i feel these days, because they have so many more "pressing" issues at hand that we discuss. so i block out whats going on with me.or if by some miracle someone does ask, i lie, because i don't really want to tell them and hear all their great "advice" for me.

i feel blocked off from the dating world. i am trying to date, because i think that is what i'm supposed to be doing. but there is nobody i want to date. nobody. i have gone on a few dates. i have given out my number- but i find no joy in doing so. i don't do second dates, because i don't want to waste anybody's time (but mostly because i have found that i end up avoiding/ignoring the guys i have gone on dates with) i hate texting boys- especially boys who don't use proper grammar/spelling in their texts. it makes me think they are illiterate.

i just feel blocked of affection for them. i can be attracted to them sure, there are some good looking guys in my ward! but thats as far as it goes. i think, "oh he's cute." THE END. no "oh i hope he asks for my number!" or "i wonder if he's interested?" i mostly think "i really hope nothing comes of this, and he doesn't mistake me being friendly for anything else."

we have a ward date night this friday. i have every intention of coming up with every excuse to not go.
we have a stake date night on my birthday, and i pray i don't get asked.

i should have re-phrased what i meant by saying there is nobody i want to date. there is nobody else i want to date. there is someone i want to date. but i won't allow myself to. he won't allow it either. because... well we have some really good reasons.. but i miss him so bad. so so bad. and i feel like i can't tell anyone these things.... especially him.

my parents/granparents/aunts/uncles/coworkers/neighbors (basically all my family and friends) all think i am just making all these wondeful decisions. that i'm just so mature in making all these important decisions for the right reasons. they're so happy for me being such a great example of maturity. they're so proud of how i've handled my situations. i mean its been about a month, and i'm handling it just fine right? going on dates, not seeing him, being involved in my ward. telling everyone that all is fine with me...

so how do i talk to them about how my heart is still breaking? and that i'm still such a little girl who just wants to be loved? and is missing her hand being held... and big hugs telling her everything will be alright... how do i tell them i still cry every night? that everyday is a fight for me to not go and see him.

... the thing is. i can't. i can't say those things. so i block out my emotions and the void that i feel. til i'm all alone, usually late at night. and then i let them out. and i cry.

now don't get me wrong, i know things will all work out for the best. i know everything will work out the way things are supposed to. i know that no matter what happens, or who i end up with, i will be happy and all this will seem silly to me someday. i have faith in God. I know he knows a lot more about what he has in store for me than i do. so i just have to work through it. one day at a time.

a teacher told me once that you "fake it til you make it".

i guess that's what i'm doing.

Thursday, January 20, 2011


early this morning at work, i struggled to find my usual "perkiness" and patience when dealing with all of the people and assignments i had to do. i wasn't thrilled about the other two aides i was working with, because i feel like one only half does her job, while the other doesn't speak english and i have a really hard time understanding what she's saying, not to mention, she is one of the slower aides. that and my roommate decided to open the window and i was freezing all night, and then when i woke up to go to work i remembered i still had school to go to afterwards as well! needless to say, i wasn't in the best of moods. i just felt... off. i couldn't really put my finger on it, because usually i'm able to overlook those type things and just be happy and all smiles, but today, for some reason, i had to really really try to put my grumpiness behind me.

so i was waiting for the cart from the kitchen that would have all the meals for the residents who stayed in bed for breakfast, when i decided to talk to one of my favorite residents. his name is Brady, well Reeves Brady, but he served in the navy and always was referred to as Brady, so thats what he goes by even now at 97 years old. I decided to stop and give him a hug and a smile, because by golly, he's just an adorable elder gentleman and you just can't help but love him. he gave me a big ol toothy grin (with some missing of course) and he gave me a hug. he told me he sure appreciated me always smiling and always being so happy and spreading cheer to everyone there with my silly dances and singing. he told me how beautiful and charming i was, and i told him how he flattered me with sweet lies. but he looked at me, and grabbed me by the wrist and looked at me and told me "no no miss. i'm only telling you the truth! you girls are wonderful here, but especially you. you know you are a chosen generation? its true! you're the chosen ones. and don't you ever, ever, forget that!"

i didn't really think on it much at the time, because i was stressed so much with everything i had to do, but now since the day is done, i realize how wonderful that moment was. of an elder gentleman telling me the important things in life, the things that will actually matter in the end. then on accident actually, i clicked my little "favorite" tab for and to my absolute pleasure and surprise there was a little movie right up front about the expectations of youth and how we are the chosen generation. (if you wanna check it out ) and its short, but it was oh so sweet and inspirational. i love the spirit you guys. i love these apostles. i love this church. and i may be part of the chosen generation, but that doesn't mean that there aren't expectations for me to live up to. i am so grateful for this gospel. it touches my heart time and time again. and i'm grateful for the tender mercies God gives me. i am so blessed. and i just hope to always live my life right so that i may live up to those great expectations.

Thursday, January 13, 2011


i want to punch her lights out right now
this girl
some silly insecure girl
who is hurting my friend
my BEST friend
i want to shake sense into her...
and just ask her why?
why would she do something so hurtful?
when my friend has been nothing but wonderful and caring to her.
my dear sweet friend who has been there for her,
at her best, and worst.
my friend has been there for her, and for me, and for everyone.
she has the biggest heart in the whole wide world
and someone just wants to hurt her.
it breaks my heart.
girls can be so mean.

up and downs

my life
is a rollercoaster
full of up up ups
and down down downs

it can be monthly

sometimes i can be so unbelievably content
knowing what i'm doing
where i'm going
and the people who will be there with me

then a little thing
like a name
puts a swoop in my stomach
and makes me question...

then i push it out of my mind
there is no room for doubt there
no time to reminisce
because that isn't moving forward

i need to grow
to learn
to appreciate
and that's what i'm trying to do

to be a better person
a better person for him.
whoever he may be.
but also for me.
mostly for me.

i need to love myself
and love everything i do
before i can love anyone else.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011


I want something.
with every fiber of my being.
I'm obsessed.
I constantly think about it.
I think its exactly what I need.
but its also exactly what I want.
Soooo badly.
I want to be an EFY counselor.
I remember going for my first year
"A More Excellent Way"
with my friend Mal Pal.
And I fell in love.
With EFY.
The feel.
The spirit.
The ideas.
The lessons.
The fun!
I decided then, I wanted to be a counselor.
So here I am.
6 years later.
Applying for a position.
I want this so bad...
I don't think I've wanted something this bad...
So please oh please oh please!
If anyone out there cares for me.
Send your best wishes my way.
Because I want this, more than I could ever explain.

my last year at EFY