i feel blocked.
first of all, i'm blocked out of my journaling. i can't use microsoft word on my computer anymore, because apparently the product key is incorrect, even though i type it exactly how it is on the box. i think i'll have to buy a new windows package thing this week. that sucks.
i feel like i can't really tell my friends whats going on or how i feel these days, because they have so many more "pressing" issues at hand that we discuss. so i block out whats going on with me.or if by some miracle someone does ask, i lie, because i don't really want to tell them and hear all their great "advice" for me.
i feel blocked off from the dating world. i am trying to date, because i think that is what i'm supposed to be doing. but there is nobody i want to date. nobody. i have gone on a few dates. i have given out my number- but i find no joy in doing so. i don't do second dates, because i don't want to waste anybody's time (but mostly because i have found that i end up avoiding/ignoring the guys i have gone on dates with) i hate texting boys- especially boys who don't use proper grammar/spelling in their texts. it makes me think they are illiterate.
i just feel blocked of affection for them. i can be attracted to them sure, there are some good looking guys in my ward! but thats as far as it goes. i think, "oh he's cute." THE END. no "oh i hope he asks for my number!" or "i wonder if he's interested?" i mostly think "i really hope nothing comes of this, and he doesn't mistake me being friendly for anything else."
we have a ward date night this friday. i have every intention of coming up with every excuse to not go.
we have a stake date night on my birthday, and i pray i don't get asked.
i should have re-phrased what i meant by saying there is nobody i want to date. there is nobody else i want to date. there is someone i want to date. but i won't allow myself to. he won't allow it either. because... well we have some really good reasons.. but i miss him so bad. so so bad. and i feel like i can't tell anyone these things.... especially him.
my parents/granparents/aunts/uncles/coworkers/neighbors (basically all my family and friends) all think i am just making all these wondeful decisions. that i'm just so mature in making all these important decisions for the right reasons. they're so happy for me being such a great example of maturity. they're so proud of how i've handled my situations. i mean its been about a month, and i'm handling it just fine right? going on dates, not seeing him, being involved in my ward. telling everyone that all is fine with me...
so how do i talk to them about how my heart is still breaking? and that i'm still such a little girl who just wants to be loved? and is missing her hand being held... and big hugs telling her everything will be alright... how do i tell them i still cry every night? that everyday is a fight for me to not go and see him.
... the thing is. i can't. i can't say those things. so i block out my emotions and the void that i feel. til i'm all alone, usually late at night. and then i let them out. and i cry.
now don't get me wrong, i know things will all work out for the best. i know everything will work out the way things are supposed to. i know that no matter what happens, or who i end up with, i will be happy and all this will seem silly to me someday. i have faith in God. I know he knows a lot more about what he has in store for me than i do. so i just have to work through it. one day at a time.
a teacher told me once that you "fake it til you make it".
i guess that's what i'm doing.