i feel blocked.
first of all, i'm blocked out of my journaling. i can't use microsoft word on my computer anymore, because apparently the product key is incorrect, even though i type it exactly how it is on the box. i think i'll have to buy a new windows package thing this week. that sucks.
i feel like i can't really tell my friends whats going on or how i feel these days, because they have so many more "pressing" issues at hand that we discuss. so i block out whats going on with me.or if by some miracle someone does ask, i lie, because i don't really want to tell them and hear all their great "advice" for me.
i feel blocked off from the dating world. i am trying to date, because i think that is what i'm supposed to be doing. but there is nobody i want to date. nobody. i have gone on a few dates. i have given out my number- but i find no joy in doing so. i don't do second dates, because i don't want to waste anybody's time (but mostly because i have found that i end up avoiding/ignoring the guys i have gone on dates with) i hate texting boys- especially boys who don't use proper grammar/spelling in their texts. it makes me think they are illiterate.
i just feel blocked of affection for them. i can be attracted to them sure, there are some good looking guys in my ward! but thats as far as it goes. i think, "oh he's cute." THE END. no "oh i hope he asks for my number!" or "i wonder if he's interested?" i mostly think "i really hope nothing comes of this, and he doesn't mistake me being friendly for anything else."
we have a ward date night this friday. i have every intention of coming up with every excuse to not go.
we have a stake date night on my birthday, and i pray i don't get asked.
i should have re-phrased what i meant by saying there is nobody i want to date. there is nobody else i want to date. there is someone i want to date. but i won't allow myself to. he won't allow it either. because... well we have some really good reasons.. but i miss him so bad. so so bad. and i feel like i can't tell anyone these things.... especially him.
my parents/granparents/aunts/uncles/coworkers/neighbors (basically all my family and friends) all think i am just making all these wondeful decisions. that i'm just so mature in making all these important decisions for the right reasons. they're so happy for me being such a great example of maturity. they're so proud of how i've handled my situations. i mean its been about a month, and i'm handling it just fine right? going on dates, not seeing him, being involved in my ward. telling everyone that all is fine with me...
so how do i talk to them about how my heart is still breaking? and that i'm still such a little girl who just wants to be loved? and is missing her hand being held... and big hugs telling her everything will be alright... how do i tell them i still cry every night? that everyday is a fight for me to not go and see him.
... the thing is. i can't. i can't say those things. so i block out my emotions and the void that i feel. til i'm all alone, usually late at night. and then i let them out. and i cry.
now don't get me wrong, i know things will all work out for the best. i know everything will work out the way things are supposed to. i know that no matter what happens, or who i end up with, i will be happy and all this will seem silly to me someday. i have faith in God. I know he knows a lot more about what he has in store for me than i do. so i just have to work through it. one day at a time.
a teacher told me once that you "fake it til you make it".
i guess that's what i'm doing.
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Hey, Brit - this is actually your mom. I know how much it hurts to long for that special someone who makes you feel loved. I know how hard it is for you to be trying your guts out surrounded by people who are oblivious to your pain, and to put on a fake smile on your face and pretend that you don't cry yourself to sleep. I know that hurt all too well. Unfortunately, it's part of life. And its painful and its so hard. Don't think that your parents are oblivious to your hurt. Just because we don't talk about it all the time doesn't mean we don't understand. The heart is a complicated thing. Telling yourself not to love someone doesn't work. The heart wants what the heart wants. You are going through something really hard, but when you know it is right, you have to do it anyway. That IS mature, Brittany. Maturity is making decisions that right but are really hard and that are difficult to get through for a long long time. Some of those decisions might take years - or last a lifetime. I know everything isn't OK and that your heart breaks and longs for the feeling of "home" with him. But in the long run, that isn't enough to make an entire lifetime. The pain you feel now in letting the problems that need to be worked out be accomplished is NOTHING compared to making premature decisions and having regrets at not doing what you know was right because you were lonely. I'm not sure that's making sense - but I just want you to know that you are not alone. I understand - and I AM proud of you. Courage, maturity, and strength is not measured in doing hard things without difficulty or pain - it is measured in doing them despite the pain and tears. I'm proud of you. I love you. - Mom
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