Sunday, October 31, 2010

i'm afraid

i'm afraid.
i guess thats the easiest way to put it.
it's halloween, and i quite honestly am scared.
not of ghosts or of goblins
demons or zombies
but of my future.

i've done a lot of talking lately
with a lot of friends
and this realization hit me like a ton of bricks
i am afraid of what is to come.

this is why i don't think about my future.
i worry about things enough to get by.
enough to not be completely derailed from lifelong dreams.
but only enough.
never above and beyond.
i hate my past.
i live in the now.
and i'm scared for my future.

it's ironically appropriate
this being the season for fright.
that i sit and i worry
that i fear for my life
and all i'm thinking about is my future.

i don't want to grow up.
i'm afraid of those responsibilities.
i don't want to think about 5 years from now.
i want to think about what i'm doing tomorrow.
i don't know if i want to be a nurse.
i would love to be an elementary school teacher.
but why would i change my major?
is it because i am seeking the easy way out?
because getting in the nursing program is hard?
i don't want to get married.
i'm far too selfish for such a thing.
it lasts for eternity...
that is a very long time.
i can't even grasp it
will it work out?
who knows anymore...
so many end early these days.

i don't know what i'm doing with my life
i feel like a mess
i feel like i'm spinning my wheels
going nowhere
doing enough to say i'm doing something
being carefree
but its not going to cut it anymore

i need some direction
but i fear that too
what if i can't do what i need to?
i'm so scared.
and i don't understand why...
futures are supposed to be happy!
they're supposed to bring joy.
so what the heck is my problem?
why does the thought of my future make knots in my belly?

i'm getting my blessing.
my patriarchial one.
i called him today.
perhaps this weekend of worry was just what i needed.
November 14th.
i'm getting it then
and its still safe to say-
i'm afraid.

Saturday, October 30, 2010

day eleven: compliments

hmmmm... i suppose what i get complimented on most is my maturity. when people don't know how old i am and then i tell them, they always are verys surprised like "OH no way! i thought for sure you were 21!" and i'm always like "really? REALLY?" because i feel so immature most of the time! how on earth do i fool all of these people?! i mean i'm the type of girl who thinks mac'n'cheese is a great dinner, applesauce is bomb, koolaid rocks my world, finding nemo is my favorite movie, i love to watch cartoons (Avatar: the Last Airbender on Nickelodeon is my guilty indulgence), i stay up later than i should despite my responsibilities, i procrastinate like no other, and i laugh at stupid things ALL THE TIME. example: favorite joke. there are two muffins in an oven and one muffin goes: Oh man! it's getting hot in here. the other muffin goes: "Oh my gosh! a talking muffin!!" HAHA! stupid, i know, but i looooove it :)

sooo perhaps i know that in some ways i am more mature than the average joe. i've been through a fair amount of crazy stuff in my life. i've learned a lot, and i like to think that the way i have chosen to live life makes me fairly mature. i mean i went out and found a job where i work 24-32 hours a week, i use the money i earn to pay for tuition, books, rent, cell, gas, food and whatever else i need (and usually in that order. lol) i don't get offended easily, i let most stuff roll off my back. i don't get my feelings hurt real easy. i think i'm fairly undramatic, i mean i know that sometimes there is drama in my life, but i don't go out looking for it or purposefully make it. i'm not judgemental. i've done too much stupid stuff to be that. i'm open minded. i am always willing to give the benefit of the doubt, even when some people probably don't deserve it. i don't overanalyze. i'm just very cut and dry i think. i realize that love requires a lot of work, and it sure ain't no fairytale. i know what i want for a career. and perhaps these things are why i'm considered "mature" but i kinda just wish that everyone had these characteristics... haha.

but even though i know that i am fairly mature, i can't help think that i'm still so not prepared for this whole "being mature" and "grown up" thing. i tell residents at work how old i am and they say "you're still a baby!" and well, yeah! i totally feel like i am! i'm still young- oh so young, and i feel like i'm trying to grow up way too fast...

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

day ten: let go

someone i need to let go, or someone you wish you never knew

there truly isn't someone i sincerely wish i never knew. i believe every person in my life has been there to teach me something. even people who ended up hurting me, or people who let me down, or people who just drifted out of my life, they were there because i needed them at that point in my life. so if they aren't in my life anymore, its because the role they play in the grand scheme of my life is over, and i have no more lessons to learn from them. and thats fine. i let people go when i don't feel the need to have them there in my life anymore, so i'm pretty sure i've let everyone go that i need to- i certainly don't feel strings attatched to people from my past- perhaps i'm niave in saying such things, but i truly do believe that i have not met someone that i wish i never knew. i am content with my life, and who's in it.

Monday, October 18, 2010

day nine: drifted

someone i didn't want to let go, but someone who just drifted...

to be honest, there are a lot of people in my life who have drifted away, but most of the time it's because i kinda let it happen, usually not on purpose like i don't set out to be like "i'm going to phase this person out of my life" but it just kinda happens naturally because we're all busy people and schedules clash a lot and we just don't see each other as much. i'm kinda horrible at keeping tabs on people that i don't see very often. i mean, i rarely talk to anyone from high school, and its not because these people were mean or awful, its just i don't care so much anymore. i just don't do well with trying to catch up with everyone and everything going on in their lives, when i can barely keep up with the people i see more frequently. i mean i hope they are doing well and i hope they are happy, but i don't have enough motivation to really try to talk to them and catch up. that's probably why i never made those "lasting friendships" at EFY or anything, because i just never really could handle the stress and the obligation of chatting with all of them. its just easier to be friends for a week, and then forget about it. anyways, i have a whole list of friends that i have just let leave my stage of friendship, and thats fine, because well if they have left, its usually a mutual thing. both of us have gotten busy, and talking to each other just isn't a priority anymore and if they wanna talk to me, thats fine, but i don't really openly pursue re-kindling friendships with them. perhaps that means i'm a bad friend, i think i probably am. but i can't help the way i am. i am a "phase friend" i guess... i have a hard time keeping friends once i'm out of a phase.

so there's jackie sitko, she was my bus/swim/polo buddy. i used to talk to her about EVERYTHING. i "rescued" her from her house one time when both her parents were gone and she just didn't want to be alone, and i ended up running over a bark pile in her neighborhood and we had to wash my car at like midnight... then we made "mmmm.. chocolate cake batter" while we talked about anything and everything. she also was where i ran to first when i ran away from home, she hid me for a few hours and even lied to her mom about me being there. i owe her big time, she really kept me sane at times. love her, i hope she's doing well, and i hope she's gotten rid of her stupid boyfriend.

hannah skarsten, my polo/swim buddy! love her too, she was there for me when i really really needed a friend. she could always make me laugh, she was outspoken and opinionated and never intimidated by people who were older than us, and i was always jealous of it. and i just loved jamming out with her to "Le Disko" by Shiny Toy Guns on the way to polo practice in her subaru, even when she scared the living daylights out of me because of her crazy driving. even though she's small, she is a fiery girl, and i hope she's doing well in school and her long distance relationship is working out.

i feel bad, but this is just how things go. i just don't talk to people much if i don't see them. i mean i have a hard enough time keeping tabs on the people i DO see all the time. ah, life makes you so busy, and sometimes, you gotta sacrifice i guess.

Friday, October 15, 2010


so i went home on wednesday to do some laundry before i went in to sell plasma at talecris, but then i found out my sisters and my mom were going to california! so they invited me along since i was taking time off from work and it was fall break from school. so i contemplated for about ten minutes before i decided i should go. i mean how often do i get the chance to go to california in the first place?! so i went straight to my apartment, not having done any laundry, and they came to pick me up from there. and now here we are! dana point, laguna beach travelodge, in california! quite literally a 5 minute walk to the beach! its amazing! its been rainy, and cloudy, and foggy, we pretty much haven't seen the sun since we've been here, BUT its been so lovely! we have had so much fun playing in the waves, collecting shells, chilling at the pool, and watching excessive amounts of project runway and america's next top model. haha. i love my sisters :)

today we went to aliso viejo beach, and there were dolphins! a whole bunch of them too! there were at least 8-12 dolphins and they were sooooo close to the shore! steff kept saying how much she wanted to just go out and swim with them, but she didn't want to do it alone, so she convinced me to go with her. haha, so we swam all the way out to where the dolphins were at and it was pretty far out there, but we were like only 20 feet away from them! it was so crazy cool! then they swam away, so we came back in, and steff got pummeled by the waves, but i was just fine, i guess i can just read the waves better ;) haha. so we then went to the showers to get all the sand off, and we were walking back to the car, when we see a lifeguard car come down the street with its lights and sirens on, then the beach patrol, then the police, and then the marine safety patrol... it was ridiculous! so many officials! and we were trying to figure out why they all were there, and then i realized they were all looking at the dolphins... haha. we're pretty sure that they got called there because someone thought we were going to like attack the dolphins or something...  i got the beach patrol and marine safety called on me and my sister. haha. it has been such a fun trip!

day eight: ruin me

someone who ruined me...

he was my first high school crush. my first date. my first kiss. he was my best friend for an entire summer. it stopped being "what are you doing tonight?" it was "what are WE doing tonight?" we just were comfortable with each other- too comfortable. my feelings for him never quite left, they were always there beneath the surface, even though i told everyone we were "just friends". then junior year hit, my parents decided we were going to move to provo, so i started school at timpview, but still went back to park city over weekends. we tried seeing each other as much as possible when i went home. and one night out of the blue, he kissed me... i thought it meant something... turns out it was just something to do... he broke my heart. this was the start of my "dark" age... due to that one boy... nick johnson. this used to be my favorite picture of him.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

day seven: worth it

someone who has made my life worth living...

i can't pick just one person- i just can't. once upon a time, when i was in my "dark" phase and i thought about dark things, there were three little lights that kept me from completely going over the edge... my little sisters.

steffany laurel...
i cannot even begin to explain how much i love this girl. she's my example in so many ways! so many times i was jealous of this sweet girl, because she is just so incredible! she's the type of person that you are just drawn to. she's so funny, and quirky, and silly, mature, and confident, and beautiful, and spiritual. she has gone through so much, some of it unfortunately was due to some of my actions, and yet she worked through it and is now the fantastically radiant young lady she is now. she's my best friend. i can talk to her about anything. i miss seeing her all the time. i love reminiscing about all of the ridiculous things we did when we were little... sneaking barbies in our pj's, making hammocks on the bunk bed, playing fat-so... she is my childhood. i love my steff-a-roo.

courtney katherine...
oh this darling girl makes me laugh. she is such a sweet innocent little lady. sometimes she reminds me of myself when i was littler. she loves to read, she's a bookworm, like i was. she's always got a book in her hands, or nearby at least. she is such a little worry-wart too. she stresses, and she panics herself (especially when there is a bug around, haha) but she is so sweet. i love how she is sensitive to those around her. she goes out of her way to make people feel loved. she's such a good student too, i could probably use some tips from her. she is such a little diva sometimes, but its cute. she sings her little heart out, and she can be absolutely absurd, but that's what makes her so endearing, she just laughs it off. i love my courtney coo.

lindsey rachel...
she's my baby. i can't help but think of that, i remember being her babysitter with her running into my arms. she's always been the baby of the family, and definitely always acted like it. she loves to show off, loves to talk like a little girl so we remember, but now she so desperately wants to grow up now too, especially with steff and court both being in young women's. she's an amazing little gymnast! it just comes so naturally to her. she is such a sweet little girl, she always greets me with the biggest squeezy hugs when i come home to visit. she is such a little bundle of energy too! she is always go go go and she always is doing something. i can't wait to see her grow up into even more of a little lady. i love my lindsey lou.

these are my sisters, my loves, the people i would do anything for. i love them with all of my heart.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

day six: hope i never

i can only think of one thing that i truly hope i never have to do... i hope i never have to bury a child. i think this would be the hardest thing i could possibly think of doing. i have seen the faces of parents who have had to do this, i have seen the anguish, i have seen the pain. i do not want that. i have seen one of my aunts go through this horrible ordeal, after the death of my baby cousin, and i have so much respect and love for her after going through something that just hurt so badly. i just cannnot even imagine, cannot even begin to fathom what its like, but i know how i feel about my sisters, my friends, my dog, my parents, i just do not think i would handle the death of one of my children very well. the child who developed inside me. my baby. i really truly hope above all else, that i never have to do this.

~ In loving memory of Elle Hullinger ~
   May 24, 2005 ~ August 30, 2006

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

day five: hope

its amazing how what you hope for can change day by day... so today, i hope that i will have a happy marriage. i hope that someday, when i decide to get married, my husband and i will both want to work on our marriage together. i hope that he still feels madly in love with me 5 years down the road, 10 years, 20 years, 50 years, into the eternities. i hope i feel the same way about him. i hope that we're best friends. i hope that we won't fight a lot, i know its unrealisitc, but for right now i just hope we can at least try not to. i hope that we will be able to talk things out. i hope i never tire of holding his hand. i hope he never tires of calling me beautiful. i hope we will want to be with eachother all the time. i hope i will miss him when he's gone. i hope he calls me just to tell me he loves me. i hope we'll make meaningful love. i hope we have lots of kids. i hope we go on dates even if we have to get a babysitter. i hope i'll make him smile everyday. i hope he'll kiss me goodmorning even if i have bad breath. i hope that we'll dance across the kitchen floor. i hope he'll read the children bedtime stories. i hope the spirit will be in our home. i hope he will make his role of patriarch a priority. i hope he calls me honey. i hope i call him sweetheart. i hope "i love you" never gets old. i hope when we're old and wrinkly we'll be able to sit and smile and reminisce about our beautiful life together <3

Monday, October 4, 2010

day four: forgive another

i don't know what to say... i honestly don't feel as though i have not forgiven anyone that has hurt me... maybe i just haven't been hurt that often... maybe i just don't have grudges... but i honestly feel as though i am at peace with anyone and everyone that i have crossed paths with... i used to put a lot of blame on my past actions on my parents... but after i ranted and got all my emotions out, in a school paper actually, i even learned to forgive them. becuase they are human, and lets face it, raising teenagers is not an easy thing to do. especially raising me, because i was a pill. (i know i know, i'm STILL technically a teenager, being 19 and all, but i like to think that i'm a little bit more mature these days than i was 3 years ago)

however, new information, ironically discovered today, gives me the impression that perhaps in the distant or maybe not so distant future, i may have one person i will have to forgive... but i should hope that it doesn't result in that... fingers crossed.

Sunday, October 3, 2010

day three: forgive myself

i have to forgive myself for... my past. i made some extremely stupid and hurtful choices in my past, that continue to have repercussions even still today despite the changing of my ways. there are a lot of things i wish i hadn't done, but a lot of those things have helped me become who i am today. although if i could take back a lot of the things i did, i would. i suppose i'm also greatful for my experiences because they have strengthened my resolve and my faith in Jesus Christ and they have given me an understanding of the beauty and reality of the Atonement. i still hate the person i was. i still hate the things i did, the things i didn't do, the things i said, the things i didn't say, the people i hurt, all those things, they made me a horrible, miserable person. but perhaps it was from those things that i know that i never want to be there again, and i know how much happier of a person i am now because of the learning from my past.

day two: love

something that i love about myself- i love that i can be happy. i can be happy all the time. seriously, i can be happy ALL the time. i just have to think about it. i know that there could easily be ways that i could get depressed about my life and everything in it, and sometimes it gets me down for a minute, but i choose not to dwell on it, because my life is beautiful and i have nothing to complain about.

i think i started this idea that happiness is all in your head a long time ago, my junior year actually. i had been diagnosed as "clinically depressed" and they had given me a bunch of medicine, but as soon as i had the prescription, i realized i didn't NEED it. it was all in my head. i was allowing myself to be depressed. now, i don't want to make a blanket statement, because i know that each individual situation is different, BUT i do believe that probably a lot of people's depression is all in their head, and they are just allowing themselves to be that way. i really do believe that if you make a concious effort to be happy- you will be.

Steff once shared a quote with me saying, "If you want to be happy, BE." and i've really taken that to heart, i conciously make an effort to be happy, and well, I AM. i don't worry, i don't stress, i just go about on my happy little way. and i love my life so much more! i'm an incredibly just happy, chipper, smiley, laughing person! i love being happy and i love bringing smiles to other peoples faces! i think i really magnify this when i'm at work. i think i love myself best when i'm with my residents, because my attitude is solely about serving them, and i am just there to make their life a little easier. i'm lovely and smiley and friendly and kind. i love that <3