Sunday, June 13, 2010

you're my girl

today, i was once again touched by seeing what true love looks like.

we had a relief society breakfast meeting this morning at the Spencer's house. we sat and discussed the women, who we need to visit, when we're going to make our visiting teaching lists, who's teaching what lesson when, etc. etc. anyhow, we finished with our meeting, and then we proceeded to eat the very "low fat and low cal" breakfast Bro Spencer made us (he used low fat cheese, bacon, sausage... haha yeah. so its not at all low fat or low cal) but at any rate, it was delicious and unfortunately we didn't eat enough of it says Bro Spencer, even though we were all stuffed. we then went back to the living room where Norma, my R.S. president had some thoughts she wanted to share with us. she shared with us a portion of the talk by Jeffrey R. Holland from this last general conference. its entitled "Place No More for the Enemy of My Soul". I remembered hearing bits and pieces of this talk way back in April, but i won't deny, i'm pretty sure i was asleep for most of this one. which is really too bad, because i thoroughly enjoyed this talk, and it truly touched my heart today. This is the portion that really got me:

"Why is lust such a deadly sin? Well, in addition to the completely Spirit-destroying impact it has upon our souls, I think it is a sin because it defiles the highest and holiest relationship God gives us in mortality—the love that a man and a woman have for each other and the desire that couple has to bring children into a family intended to be forever. Someone said once that true love must include the idea of permanence. True love endures. But lust changes as quickly as it can turn a pornographic page or glance at yet another potential object for gratification walking by, male or female. True love we are absolutely giddy about—as I am about Sister Holland; we shout it from the housetops. But lust is characterized by shame and stealth and is almost pathologically clandestine—the later and darker the hour the better, with a double-bolted door just in case. Love makes us instinctively reach out to God and other people. Lust, on the other hand, is anything but godly and celebrates self-indulgence. Love comes with open hands and open heart; lust comes with only an open appetite."

(For the whole talk see the May 2010 Ensign or this link:,5232,23-1-1207-16,00.html)

this just really spoke to me. it re-affirmed my suspiscions that i truly have not fully known love. maybe for a little while i did, but for the most part, i have been operating in lust. this, is not how i want to live my life. this is not how i want to date. i don't want to be full of lust, i want to be full of love. but this lust thing, its like an addiction to me, i feel as though i'm addicted to lust.

i like kissing. this i won't deny. i think its a very fun thing to do, and i thoroughly enjoy it. however, most of the time, my kissing doesn't mean anything. its just, something to do. but i don't want that anymore. i've had my share of NCMO's, friends with benefits and whatever whatever, and i'm through. i want it to mean something! i want to get that swoopy sensation in my tummy when i finally kiss a guy that i have a crush on! thats only happened to me once, and maybe twice... and its magical :) that i feel is like what love should be like. i should be able to think back on being with that someone, and get a big goofy grin on my face because i like them so much and they make me so unbelievably happy. so i suppose i'm making a new bar for myself- i will only kiss guys that i have true feelings for. i will be kissing for commitment, not recreation. because that is what i really want, not a guy just looking for a hook up, but someone who is truly interested in me and wants to get to know me and spend time with me, and not just my mouth. i want a guy who will respect me, take me out on a date, pay for my things, open my door, prove to me that chivalry is not dead.

anyways, that is what i decided after hearing that little tid bit of talk, but then just a few moments later Brother Spencer said something that just totally reaffirmed everything in my mind. we were discussing how lust can take many different forms, and Norma was saying that for her she is lustful when it comes to shopping. This, is one of Sister Spencer's favorite things in the whole wide world. She loves shoe shopping. so Brother Spencer was kind of teasing her about how she once bought like $500 dollars worth of shoes online. She was going on about how he couldn't be mad, he was the one who gave her the credit card! She said "You gave it to me!" to which Brother Spencer said, with so much love as he looked at her with his kind eyes, "Of course I did. You're my girl." This simple statement, while looking at Brother Spencer look at his wife, nearly brought me to tears. He loves her so much. So so much. Sister Spencer suffers from strokes, she's had a couple of really bad ones in her past which altered her brain and personality, which make her sometimes difficult to understand when she talks and she is very energetic, often overly energetic, she doesn't really have a soft level, unless she's praying, she's usually very loud and is just very excited to say what she needs to say all the time. I would have such a hard time dealing with someone like that all the time, but Brother Spencer is such an example of patience that it is truly humbling. he is miraculous.

maybe this is weird to say, but he really is the kind of man that i want to marry. he is the most incredible person. he has this amazing capability to make you feel like you are special, and that he loves you more than everyone else, even when you know he loves everyone just the same. he still will make you feel like he is especially interested in you and what you are doing. i feel like he is the dad of the ward. he loves everyone, wants to say hello to everyone, wants to make everyone feel welcome, and wants everyone to join and be involved in the "true and living ward." and i want to marry someone who has the spirit that Brother Spencer brings to this ward, and as odd as it sounds, he really will be a man that i will compare my future spouse against. i am so blessed to have him in my life.

Brother Spencer and Bishop Kokkola. Two of my very favorite leaders, ever.

Saturday, June 12, 2010


i went to the temple yesterday. i meant to blog about it then, but i wanted to write a lot about it, and didn't leave myself a whole lot of time to do it before i had to get to bed before work, so i will admit i put it off til today.

anyhow, let us begin. i went to the Provo temple for the first time in three years, on June 10th, 2010, with my mommy. wow. three years? how terribly awful that number sounds to me. that is such an awful long time. i think the worst part is that i chose to keep it that long, just through my actions... hindsight is always 20/20 isn't it?

so walking up to the temple was quite nerve wracking. i was walking with my mamacita, and the whole time i felt like my heart was going to beat out of my chest. i honestly couldn't believe that it was really happening. i was really going to the temple. i was really going inside this time. not just to sit on the grounds, gazing longingly, but INSIDE. it was just so... surreal. for so long i couldn't go, and then all of a sudden, i could. and i felt very nervous. very very nervous. and anxious.

so we walked in, me and mom, and i felt so... lost. haha, i hadn't been in so long, and i had forgotten everything that i was supposed to do. where to go get to the baptistry, what size jumper i was supposed to wear, where i was supposed to get dressed, etc etc. thank goodness for such sweet ladies that work in the temple who took pity on me and were able to help me out. once i had the clothes i needed, i walked into an open stall, and i just kind of broke down and cried. i honestly couldn't believe how good it felt to just be in the temple. i was just so touched by the spirit of the place, and i swore to myself, that i would never do anything that would keep me from being able to go there again. and i will keep this promise, i honestly cannot believe it's taken me so long to get here.

so i got dressed, and then since i had some family names that my grandma had found for me, i sat in the pews waiting to go into the font. my mom came and sat by me. she was so happy for me, she was just beside herself the entire time we were there, she has been waiting for this moment for so long. it was like i was the prodigal son. i could just see in her eyes how so relieved she was that i was finally coming back to her. it reminded me of a poem i had read earlier that day in the Ensign. it went like this:

The Prodigal
By Ronald Peterson

I lift my head unto the Lord and cry,
"My son has strayed from Thee!"
My thoughts resound,
"I teach and love and pray,
Yet he will not respond.
Leave me not to fight alone.
I love him so."

I cry at his and my infirmity.
i search Thy word for help to guide,
And with the Holy Spirit's aid,
Reach out to find my prodigal.
And, lo, in voice to touch my soul,
I hear God's word.

"He's your son! He's My son!"
His will must be his own.
My love's not less than thine.
I tenderly entrust him to your care.
Love him, lead him, and endure.
If he will come at length,
'Twill be through thee and Me.

"He's your son! He's My son!
Together find our victory!"

I like to think that i've returned, that finally my mom can have her victory, that all her prayers and guidance have not been in vain. and this poem really just speaks to me, because when i see how happy my mom is, it gives me a tiny glimpse of what Heavenly Father must be feeling, and it makes me happy to have done that for them.

i had a great spiritual experience there in the temple. i feel as though i really drew closer to God. i feel like i really connected. there were many tears shed. there were many comforting words from my mom. there were many tender hugs. it was just overwhelmingly peaceful and marvelous.i'm so glad to have had that opportunity. i only hope that i can have many more. i'm planning on making this a weekly thing, and i'm hoping it will bring me more chances to hearken to the Spirit, and have it help guide me in helping the ladies in my ward. i just want to be able to serve them to the best of my ability. i prayed for help in my calling a lot. I feel like i have such responsibility, and i feel like i can do so much better. so hopefully, this will be a great tool for me. because i still feel so inadequete, and i can use all the help i can get.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

run away

so there have been times in my life where i've wanted to run away. when i was really little i would run out of the house, being very angry, and run to the end of the street, and go and sit at the pocket park. oh the pocket park, it wasn't even fun. it was a little patch of grass with a few baby trees and a sandpit. nothing special, but it was where i would run to, because there was nowhere else for me to go. so i would stay and sit in the sand, and think and vent, for what felt like ages, and be back in my own home safe and sound within 45 minutes, an hour tops.

when i was 16 i ran away for a few hours. things at home had gotten out of my control, they knew things i didn't want them to know, and i felt like i couldn't face them anymore. i was going to run away to logan and stay with alexa, but i had to find somewhere to stay for the night at least. so i ran to my friend jackies house, and she was hiding me quite well for a while, until alexa told my parents where i was, and my dad came to pick me up. so it wasn't very successful, but it definitely was an adventure.

i think that its very normal for just about anyone to go through a phase where this is somewhat appealing to them. but the thing is that now i'm a little bit older and wiser, and running away doesn't quite appeal to me like it once did. because, well let's face it, running away doesn't solve anything really. it only prolongs what is inevitable.

my friend, hasn't outgrown this phase. he quite literally wants to run away from pretty much everything. he told me that within the next month he wants to slip away in the night and take only the clothes on his back, his ipod, a book with phone numbers in it, and his scriptures and then see how far he can go. he thinks he can make it to the east coast. i think the idea is just about as ridiculous as he is.

but he also is wanting to run away from... well me. well not just me, just something like the idea of me. he says that he suffers from "heartbreak's disease." he suffered a major blow to the heart last year, and since then he's put up walls from getting emotionally close to people, in order to keep him from getting hurt. and he says that if he meets someone who has the potential to get close to him, he runs away. he said he should have run away from the last girl, but he didn't, and it screwed him over. so thats what he told me on sunday morning. he told me that he was going to run away from me. i told him that i think its sad the way he lives his life, always running away from everything. it seems childish. and maybe i'm just niave, or maybe i haven't had my heart broken like him, but i don't think he should run, not for my sake, but for his.

so this is my question: is it truly better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all? because frankly i'm young enough and silly enough and niave enough to think that falling in love and getting hurt is worth it, because its all part of life! each relationship, each person you meet has an impact on your life, and it makes you who you are! i know i'm too trusting, i know i let people get too close to me too fast, but this is how i live my life, and i wouldn't change it at all.