we had a relief society breakfast meeting this morning at the Spencer's house. we sat and discussed the women, who we need to visit, when we're going to make our visiting teaching lists, who's teaching what lesson when, etc. etc. anyhow, we finished with our meeting, and then we proceeded to eat the very "low fat and low cal" breakfast Bro Spencer made us (he used low fat cheese, bacon, sausage... haha yeah. so its not at all low fat or low cal) but at any rate, it was delicious and unfortunately we didn't eat enough of it says Bro Spencer, even though we were all stuffed. we then went back to the living room where Norma, my R.S. president had some thoughts she wanted to share with us. she shared with us a portion of the talk by Jeffrey R. Holland from this last general conference. its entitled "Place No More for the Enemy of My Soul". I remembered hearing bits and pieces of this talk way back in April, but i won't deny, i'm pretty sure i was asleep for most of this one. which is really too bad, because i thoroughly enjoyed this talk, and it truly touched my heart today. This is the portion that really got me:
"Why is lust such a deadly sin? Well, in addition to the completely Spirit-destroying impact it has upon our souls, I think it is a sin because it defiles the highest and holiest relationship God gives us in mortality—the love that a man and a woman have for each other and the desire that couple has to bring children into a family intended to be forever. Someone said once that true love must include the idea of permanence. True love endures. But lust changes as quickly as it can turn a pornographic page or glance at yet another potential object for gratification walking by, male or female. True love we are absolutely giddy about—as I am about Sister Holland; we shout it from the housetops. But lust is characterized by shame and stealth and is almost pathologically clandestine—the later and darker the hour the better, with a double-bolted door just in case. Love makes us instinctively reach out to God and other people. Lust, on the other hand, is anything but godly and celebrates self-indulgence. Love comes with open hands and open heart; lust comes with only an open appetite."
(For the whole talk see the May 2010 Ensign or this link: http://www.lds.org/conference/talk/display/0,5232,23-1-1207-16,00.html)
this just really spoke to me. it re-affirmed my suspiscions that i truly have not fully known love. maybe for a little while i did, but for the most part, i have been operating in lust. this, is not how i want to live my life. this is not how i want to date. i don't want to be full of lust, i want to be full of love. but this lust thing, its like an addiction to me, i feel as though i'm addicted to lust.
i like kissing. this i won't deny. i think its a very fun thing to do, and i thoroughly enjoy it. however, most of the time, my kissing doesn't mean anything. its just, something to do. but i don't want that anymore. i've had my share of NCMO's, friends with benefits and whatever whatever, and i'm through. i want it to mean something! i want to get that swoopy sensation in my tummy when i finally kiss a guy that i have a crush on! thats only happened to me once, and maybe twice... and its magical :) that i feel is like what love should be like. i should be able to think back on being with that someone, and get a big goofy grin on my face because i like them so much and they make me so unbelievably happy. so i suppose i'm making a new bar for myself- i will only kiss guys that i have true feelings for. i will be kissing for commitment, not recreation. because that is what i really want, not a guy just looking for a hook up, but someone who is truly interested in me and wants to get to know me and spend time with me, and not just my mouth. i want a guy who will respect me, take me out on a date, pay for my things, open my door, prove to me that chivalry is not dead.
anyways, that is what i decided after hearing that little tid bit of talk, but then just a few moments later Brother Spencer said something that just totally reaffirmed everything in my mind. we were discussing how lust can take many different forms, and Norma was saying that for her she is lustful when it comes to shopping. This, is one of Sister Spencer's favorite things in the whole wide world. She loves shoe shopping. so Brother Spencer was kind of teasing her about how she once bought like $500 dollars worth of shoes online. She was going on about how he couldn't be mad, he was the one who gave her the credit card! She said "You gave it to me!" to which Brother Spencer said, with so much love as he looked at her with his kind eyes, "Of course I did. You're my girl." This simple statement, while looking at Brother Spencer look at his wife, nearly brought me to tears. He loves her so much. So so much. Sister Spencer suffers from strokes, she's had a couple of really bad ones in her past which altered her brain and personality, which make her sometimes difficult to understand when she talks and she is very energetic, often overly energetic, she doesn't really have a soft level, unless she's praying, she's usually very loud and is just very excited to say what she needs to say all the time. I would have such a hard time dealing with someone like that all the time, but Brother Spencer is such an example of patience that it is truly humbling. he is miraculous.
maybe this is weird to say, but he really is the kind of man that i want to marry. he is the most incredible person. he has this amazing capability to make you feel like you are special, and that he loves you more than everyone else, even when you know he loves everyone just the same. he still will make you feel like he is especially interested in you and what you are doing. i feel like he is the dad of the ward. he loves everyone, wants to say hello to everyone, wants to make everyone feel welcome, and wants everyone to join and be involved in the "true and living ward." and i want to marry someone who has the spirit that Brother Spencer brings to this ward, and as odd as it sounds, he really will be a man that i will compare my future spouse against. i am so blessed to have him in my life.
Brother Spencer and Bishop Kokkola. Two of my very favorite leaders, ever.