anyhow, let us begin. i went to the Provo temple for the first time in three years, on June 10th, 2010, with my mommy. wow. three years? how terribly awful that number sounds to me. that is such an awful long time. i think the worst part is that i chose to keep it that long, just through my actions... hindsight is always 20/20 isn't it?
so walking up to the temple was quite nerve wracking. i was walking with my mamacita, and the whole time i felt like my heart was going to beat out of my chest. i honestly couldn't believe that it was really happening. i was really going to the temple. i was really going inside this time. not just to sit on the grounds, gazing longingly, but INSIDE. it was just so... surreal. for so long i couldn't go, and then all of a sudden, i could. and i felt very nervous. very very nervous. and anxious.
so we walked in, me and mom, and i felt so... lost. haha, i hadn't been in so long, and i had forgotten everything that i was supposed to do. where to go get to the baptistry, what size jumper i was supposed to wear, where i was supposed to get dressed, etc etc. thank goodness for such sweet ladies that work in the temple who took pity on me and were able to help me out. once i had the clothes i needed, i walked into an open stall, and i just kind of broke down and cried. i honestly couldn't believe how good it felt to just be in the temple. i was just so touched by the spirit of the place, and i swore to myself, that i would never do anything that would keep me from being able to go there again. and i will keep this promise, i honestly cannot believe it's taken me so long to get here.
so i got dressed, and then since i had some family names that my grandma had found for me, i sat in the pews waiting to go into the font. my mom came and sat by me. she was so happy for me, she was just beside herself the entire time we were there, she has been waiting for this moment for so long. it was like i was the prodigal son. i could just see in her eyes how so relieved she was that i was finally coming back to her. it reminded me of a poem i had read earlier that day in the Ensign. it went like this:
By Ronald Peterson
I lift my head unto the Lord and cry,
"My son has strayed from Thee!"
My thoughts resound,
"I teach and love and pray,
Yet he will not respond.
Leave me not to fight alone.
I love him so."
I cry at his and my infirmity.
i search Thy word for help to guide,
And with the Holy Spirit's aid,
Reach out to find my prodigal.
And, lo, in voice to touch my soul,
I hear God's word.
"He's your son! He's My son!"
His will must be his own.
My love's not less than thine.
I tenderly entrust him to your care.
Love him, lead him, and endure.
If he will come at length,
'Twill be through thee and Me.
"He's your son! He's My son!
Together find our victory!"
I like to think that i've returned, that finally my mom can have her victory, that all her prayers and guidance have not been in vain. and this poem really just speaks to me, because when i see how happy my mom is, it gives me a tiny glimpse of what Heavenly Father must be feeling, and it makes me happy to have done that for them.
i had a great spiritual experience there in the temple. i feel as though i really drew closer to God. i feel like i really connected. there were many tears shed. there were many comforting words from my mom. there were many tender hugs. it was just overwhelmingly peaceful and marvelous.i'm so glad to have had that opportunity. i only hope that i can have many more. i'm planning on making this a weekly thing, and i'm hoping it will bring me more chances to hearken to the Spirit, and have it help guide me in helping the ladies in my ward. i just want to be able to serve them to the best of my ability. i prayed for help in my calling a lot. I feel like i have such responsibility, and i feel like i can do so much better. so hopefully, this will be a great tool for me. because i still feel so inadequete, and i can use all the help i can get.