Tuesday, June 1, 2010

run away

so there have been times in my life where i've wanted to run away. when i was really little i would run out of the house, being very angry, and run to the end of the street, and go and sit at the pocket park. oh the pocket park, it wasn't even fun. it was a little patch of grass with a few baby trees and a sandpit. nothing special, but it was where i would run to, because there was nowhere else for me to go. so i would stay and sit in the sand, and think and vent, for what felt like ages, and be back in my own home safe and sound within 45 minutes, an hour tops.

when i was 16 i ran away for a few hours. things at home had gotten out of my control, they knew things i didn't want them to know, and i felt like i couldn't face them anymore. i was going to run away to logan and stay with alexa, but i had to find somewhere to stay for the night at least. so i ran to my friend jackies house, and she was hiding me quite well for a while, until alexa told my parents where i was, and my dad came to pick me up. so it wasn't very successful, but it definitely was an adventure.

i think that its very normal for just about anyone to go through a phase where this is somewhat appealing to them. but the thing is that now i'm a little bit older and wiser, and running away doesn't quite appeal to me like it once did. because, well let's face it, running away doesn't solve anything really. it only prolongs what is inevitable.

my friend, hasn't outgrown this phase. he quite literally wants to run away from pretty much everything. he told me that within the next month he wants to slip away in the night and take only the clothes on his back, his ipod, a book with phone numbers in it, and his scriptures and then see how far he can go. he thinks he can make it to the east coast. i think the idea is just about as ridiculous as he is.

but he also is wanting to run away from... well me. well not just me, just something like the idea of me. he says that he suffers from "heartbreak's disease." he suffered a major blow to the heart last year, and since then he's put up walls from getting emotionally close to people, in order to keep him from getting hurt. and he says that if he meets someone who has the potential to get close to him, he runs away. he said he should have run away from the last girl, but he didn't, and it screwed him over. so thats what he told me on sunday morning. he told me that he was going to run away from me. i told him that i think its sad the way he lives his life, always running away from everything. it seems childish. and maybe i'm just niave, or maybe i haven't had my heart broken like him, but i don't think he should run, not for my sake, but for his.

so this is my question: is it truly better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all? because frankly i'm young enough and silly enough and niave enough to think that falling in love and getting hurt is worth it, because its all part of life! each relationship, each person you meet has an impact on your life, and it makes you who you are! i know i'm too trusting, i know i let people get too close to me too fast, but this is how i live my life, and i wouldn't change it at all.

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