the end

some people call me brave... smart... wise...  and mature when it comes to choices i make. but right now i only feel sad... lonely... empty... and anti-social. people think i can handle this so well... but the tears i've cried share a different story. and for some reason, tonight is just extra hard.

i miss us. the end.

happy?

what is being happy anyways? how do you know if what you are is happy? how do you know if its happy enough? how do you know if what you want is really what is good for you? how do i decipher how i feel? how do i know where the feelings come from? how do i not hurt people? how do i not break people's hearts? how do i know if i'm being unreasonable? how do i know i'm being too tolerable? how do i know when i should put my feelings above others? how do i decide to make such hard decisions? how do i not overreact? how do i gain back trust? how do we fulfill each other's needs? how do i keep those special moments of unconditional love around? how do i forget the pain i feel? how do i forget the tears? how do i know it would work? how do i know it wouldn't work? others make it work, how do i know this isn't the same? how do i know this isn't how things are supposed to feel? how do i know that the feelings i have are genuine? how do i know whether this is worthwhile? how do i know whether its a waste of time? how do i know what my next move is? how do i know this is real?

so many questions... so few answers...

eliv thade

eliv thade
unscramble the letters then you will see
the words that they are meant to be

live and death
together they play
affecting our lives each passing day

together they bring
tears of sadness
and of gladness

in the beginning
the new mother holds the new baby's hand
holding her son, thinking him grand

together they live
then as the aging years pass them on by
the son cradles his mother, as its her turn to die

the cycle goes on
and tears are constantly shed
the comings and goings of the living and dead

but the love that they have
it is heartwarming and real
the type of love you can look at and feel

that kind of love
is the love that i saw today
the love of a son as his mom passed away

it warmed my whole soul
to see him comfort her there at her bed
and it broke my heart to see the tears that he shed

but he was there for her
til the very very end.
til he had to leave his mother, his teacher, his friend.

i do love my job
yet at times it does make me sad.
but seeing this type of love, it helps, just a tad :)

In loving memory of V.R.
<3 <3 <3

mango tree

"I wish I had a mango tree. In my backyard.
With you standing next to me. Take the picture.
From her lips I heard her say, "Can I have you?"
Caught up in what to say, I said, "You do." "

I can just picture this everytime I hear this song..With one hand on my lower back, one hand holding mine, we dance under the stars, in the grass. He holds me close as we slowly shuffle in a circle as his lips brush my ear as he whispers the lyrics to the song to me. Our song. The song. My favorite song.

He's amazing.

No, I would never say he is perfect, that would be a lie. I certainly am not perfect. Our relationship is far from perfect. Sometimes, he drives me up the wall! Sometimes I make him so agitated. Sometimes he is utterly ridiculous. Sometimes I'm ridiculously emotional. But we always work things out. We never leave each other angry.

I love him.
I love who he is.
I love the person I know he will be.

Where this will go, I don't know. But right now, I don't even care. I just want to be with him.

day fourteen: let me down

so it's been a while, but i promised myself i would do these things! so here we go again...

i've never really had a hero who really let me down... i don't even think i've really even had a hero. There's never really been someone who i so admired or adored that i wanted to be just like. so i'm trying to think of something else to write about, and i can only think of one thing that is even remotely similar.

finding out santa wasn't real.

now THAT was a major let down. however, it really shouldn't have been as big of a let down as it was. so my mom is just reminding me (since i was asking what age i was when i discovered the "santa scandal") that in fact prior to the santa incident, i found out about my mom being the tooth fairy. now i don't remember really discovering that truth ( i mean i always thought the fairy's handwriting looked a lot like mom's...) but apparently, i threw quite the little fit. saying how my parents had "betrayed" me, and "how could you lie to me like that?" and stating "i will NEVER do that to my kids!" yet somehow, the discovering of the fake fairy didn't translate over to christmas time. so seeing my parents setting up christmas under the tree was still very surprising and disappointing.

i was about ten. i couldn't sleep, went down for a glass of water, and low and behold "Santa" was just mom and dad staying up really late. i was shocked! then it all made sense... all of the little creatures and people that you don't see, ARE NOT REAL. that meant tooth fairy, leprechauns, easter bunny, AND santa.

man, the magic just ran right out of that holiday. and in all honesty, ever since, i haven't been able to muster up much excitement for christmas. don't get me wrong, i love all the festivities and things that go along with the holiday, but actual christams eve and day aren't all they're cracked up to be for me anymore. perhaps it'll be different when i have kids. it better be at any rate!

this is a surprised face i found, i'm sure it is very similar to mine after seeing my parents.

don't tempt me

urggghhh.

stop with the cakes.
the pictures. the dresses.
the centerpieces. the tablecloths.
the shoes and addresses.

stop with the invites.
the catering. the rings.
the showers. the colors.
all the weddingtype things.


too many friends are heeding the call
the one of eternity
the one that lasts for it all.

yes i know you're in love.
yes i know it can't wait,
because marriage i'm told is
"Totally great!"

but i'm not ready for that
the timings not right
but sometimes...
i lie there thinking at night...
thoughts give me some feelings...
that i don't want to fight.

i want to get married.

but shhh, don't you dare tell a soul!
because wanting that thing...
that isn't my role!
i'm the one who is scared!
remember that part?
the one who can't fathom giving my heart?

but alas, it has crossed my mind, one time or two.
and i thought i might share this knowledge with you.
but its not my main goal.
i still have some time.

but when i endure conversations day after day
those feelings grow stronger...
SIGH
don't tempt me i say!

day thirteen: me and Sara

hands down if i had to pick an artist that has gotten me through the bad times, the good times, the whenever times, it would be Sara Bareilles. i love her music so much! my good friend sara barber showed her to me once upon a time when i was working at gonescrappin', back when she was first being produced, before she was a big radio sensation. i fell in love with her song "Fairytale" and then luckily sara let me have her copy of the cd, called Little Voice. and now i am addicted, and i think it is the most phenomenal collection. when i start listening to Sara Bareilles nothing else matters but the music. like seriously- if i have her playing in my car and you are sitting right there, i don't want to talk to you at all. i'm just being honest. i just want to sing. the world vanishes. all that's left is the music and the words and the feelings they bring. i don't care about my homework, job, boyfriend, money, friends, its just me and Sara. And for a little while, that's just fine. she is my escape.