expectations

early this morning at work, i struggled to find my usual "perkiness" and patience when dealing with all of the people and assignments i had to do. i wasn't thrilled about the other two aides i was working with, because i feel like one only half does her job, while the other doesn't speak english and i have a really hard time understanding what she's saying, not to mention, she is one of the slower aides. that and my roommate decided to open the window and i was freezing all night, and then when i woke up to go to work i remembered i still had school to go to afterwards as well! needless to say, i wasn't in the best of moods. i just felt... off. i couldn't really put my finger on it, because usually i'm able to overlook those type things and just be happy and all smiles, but today, for some reason, i had to really really try to put my grumpiness behind me.

so i was waiting for the cart from the kitchen that would have all the meals for the residents who stayed in bed for breakfast, when i decided to talk to one of my favorite residents. his name is Brady, well Reeves Brady, but he served in the navy and always was referred to as Brady, so thats what he goes by even now at 97 years old. I decided to stop and give him a hug and a smile, because by golly, he's just an adorable elder gentleman and you just can't help but love him. he gave me a big ol toothy grin (with some missing of course) and he gave me a hug. he told me he sure appreciated me always smiling and always being so happy and spreading cheer to everyone there with my silly dances and singing. he told me how beautiful and charming i was, and i told him how he flattered me with sweet lies. but he looked at me, and grabbed me by the wrist and looked at me and told me "no no miss. i'm only telling you the truth! you girls are wonderful here, but especially you. you know you are a chosen generation? its true! you're the chosen ones. and don't you ever, ever, forget that!"

i didn't really think on it much at the time, because i was stressed so much with everything i had to do, but now since the day is done, i realize how wonderful that moment was. of an elder gentleman telling me the important things in life, the things that will actually matter in the end. then on accident actually, i clicked my little "favorite" tab for lds.org and to my absolute pleasure and surprise there was a little movie right up front about the expectations of youth and how we are the chosen generation. (if you wanna check it out http://lds.org/study/prophets-speak-today/unto-all-the-world/great-expectations-for-youth-of-church?lang=eng ) and its short, but it was oh so sweet and inspirational. i love the spirit you guys. i love these apostles. i love this church. and i may be part of the chosen generation, but that doesn't mean that there aren't expectations for me to live up to. i am so grateful for this gospel. it touches my heart time and time again. and i'm grateful for the tender mercies God gives me. i am so blessed. and i just hope to always live my life right so that i may live up to those great expectations.

lights

i want to punch her lights out right now
this girl
some silly insecure girl
who is hurting my friend
my BEST friend
i want to shake sense into her...
and just ask her why?
why would she do something so hurtful?
when my friend has been nothing but wonderful and caring to her.
my dear sweet friend who has been there for her,
at her best, and worst.
my friend has been there for her, and for me, and for everyone.
she has the biggest heart in the whole wide world
and someone just wants to hurt her.
it breaks my heart.
girls can be so mean.

up and downs

my life
is a rollercoaster
full of up up ups
and down down downs

it can be monthly
weekly
daily
hourly
minutely

sometimes i can be so unbelievably content
knowing what i'm doing
where i'm going
and the people who will be there with me

then a little thing
like a name
puts a swoop in my stomach
and makes me question...
everything

then i push it out of my mind
there is no room for doubt there
no time to reminisce
because that isn't moving forward

i need to grow
to learn
to appreciate
and that's what i'm trying to do

to be a better person
a better person for him.
whoever he may be.
but also for me.
mostly for me.

i need to love myself
and love everything i do
before i can love anyone else.

desire

I want something.
desperately.
with every fiber of my being.
I'm obsessed.
I constantly think about it.
I think its exactly what I need.
but its also exactly what I want.
Soooo badly.
I want to be an EFY counselor.
I remember going for my first year
"A More Excellent Way"
with my friend Mal Pal.
And I fell in love.
With EFY.
The feel.
The spirit.
The ideas.
The lessons.
The fun!
I decided then, I wanted to be a counselor.
So here I am.
6 years later.
Applying for a position.
I want this so bad...
I don't think I've wanted something this bad...
Ever.
So please oh please oh please!
If anyone out there cares for me.
Send your best wishes my way.
Because I want this, more than I could ever explain.

my last year at EFY

the end

some people call me brave... smart... wise...  and mature when it comes to choices i make. but right now i only feel sad... lonely... empty... and anti-social. people think i can handle this so well... but the tears i've cried share a different story. and for some reason, tonight is just extra hard.

i miss us. the end.

happy?

what is being happy anyways? how do you know if what you are is happy? how do you know if its happy enough? how do you know if what you want is really what is good for you? how do i decipher how i feel? how do i know where the feelings come from? how do i not hurt people? how do i not break people's hearts? how do i know if i'm being unreasonable? how do i know i'm being too tolerable? how do i know when i should put my feelings above others? how do i decide to make such hard decisions? how do i not overreact? how do i gain back trust? how do we fulfill each other's needs? how do i keep those special moments of unconditional love around? how do i forget the pain i feel? how do i forget the tears? how do i know it would work? how do i know it wouldn't work? others make it work, how do i know this isn't the same? how do i know this isn't how things are supposed to feel? how do i know that the feelings i have are genuine? how do i know whether this is worthwhile? how do i know whether its a waste of time? how do i know what my next move is? how do i know this is real?

so many questions... so few answers...

eliv thade

eliv thade
unscramble the letters then you will see
the words that they are meant to be

live and death
together they play
affecting our lives each passing day

together they bring
tears of sadness
and of gladness

in the beginning
the new mother holds the new baby's hand
holding her son, thinking him grand

together they live
then as the aging years pass them on by
the son cradles his mother, as its her turn to die

the cycle goes on
and tears are constantly shed
the comings and goings of the living and dead

but the love that they have
it is heartwarming and real
the type of love you can look at and feel

that kind of love
is the love that i saw today
the love of a son as his mom passed away

it warmed my whole soul
to see him comfort her there at her bed
and it broke my heart to see the tears that he shed

but he was there for her
til the very very end.
til he had to leave his mother, his teacher, his friend.

i do love my job
yet at times it does make me sad.
but seeing this type of love, it helps, just a tad :)

In loving memory of V.R.
<3 <3 <3