it rains

"Everytime it Rains"
by Charlotte Martin

Every time it rains I listen to the sky
And wonder what's so great about sunshine
Everybody lives and everybody dies
And no one's gonna love you like I do

When it was getting dark
I didn't need a match
I never needed light to see you
You thought I disappeared
But I was always here
I could never get that far from you

Though I misunderstand
And been misunderstood
So love me 'cause you can
And not because you should

Every time it rains
I know it's good to be alive
Every time it rains
I know I'm trying to survive

Take it as it comes
And take me as I am
I never was a good imposter
But I know how to dream
And don't know where I stand
I'm willing to admit I try too hard
Stop playing with my heart

I'm waiting by the phone
Afraid to be myself
Afraid to be alone

Every time it rains
I know it's good to be alive
Every time it rains
I know I'm trying to survive
And every time it rains
I'm gonna hide myself inside

I know it's good to be alive
I know it's good to be alive
I know it's good to be alive

Every time it rains
I know it's good to be alive
Every time it rains
I know I'm trying to survive

veins

"Veins"
By Charlotte Martin

I know you know
Let the life come back and force through my veins
It goes, it goes
Through the protons, neutrons, securing the frame
Say yes, say no
It's a matter of me forcing the praise
Put on the new
Woman, man, and child who are breaking the braces

The catacombs
And revolving doors inside of my brain
Preachers and whores
And neon pulpits burst into flames
I come from both sides
of me and either side of their tracks
Humbling my ghosts
Letting life that floods my veins bring me back

And the unshackling of the chains on my wrists
And the loyalty to pain that resists
And the greatest books are talking about this
Why must everybody die to exist?

Hello my love
Seeking passages and food for your soul
On 95
Look ahead cause they're not filling that hole yet
Come lay your hands
Over mine and it will make us both brave
Braver to know
Let the light, the life force back in our veins

The unshackling of the chains on my wrists
And the loyalty to pain that resists
And the greatest books are talking about this
Why must everybody die to exist?

Are you ready for the power of god?
Are you waiting for the saints to all nod?
At the girl who should be raised from the dead?
At the demons who've been forced from my head?

Hey
Oh hallelujah
Oh hallelujah
Oh hallelujah I've come undone
Oh hallelujah
Oh hallelujah
Oh hallelujah I've come undone

The unshackling of the chains on my wrists
The loyalty to pain that resists
And the greatest books are talking about this
Why must everybody die to exist?

Are you ready for the power of god?
Are you waiting for the saints to all nod?
At the girl who should be raised from the dead?
At the demons who've been forced from my head?

won't fall

"The Fear You Won't Fall"
by Joshua Radin

Diggin a hole and the walls are caving in
behind me,
airs gettin thin but I'm trying,
I'm breathing in,
come find me

It hasn't felt like this before
It hasn't felt like home... before you

And I know its easy to say, but its harder to feel this way
And I miss you more than I should, than I thought I could
I can't get my mind off of you

I know you're scared that I'll soon be over it,
thats part of it all,
part of the beauty of falling in love with you,
is the fear you won't fall

It hasn't felt like this before
It hasn't felt like home... before you

And I know it's easy to say, but it's harder to feel this way
And I miss you more than I should, than I thought I could,
I can't get my mind off of you

And I hate the phone
but I wish you'd call
thought being alone,
was better than, was better than...

And I know its easy to say, but its harder to feel this way
And I miss you more than I should, than I thought I could
I can't get my mind off of you.
can't get my mind off of you

trouble

Trouble.
A word with so many connotations.
Can mean so many things.
Now a name.
"Stay away from me."
I don't see why.
We all have troubles.
You're not alone in this.
Undeserving.
That's how you feel.
Just try again.
It's what you should do.
Trouble.
Will always be your friend.
Your enemy.
Finding you at every opportunity.
If you let it.
Don't you think I know?
Do you think I'm naive?
I do.
And I don't.
We talk too much.
Secrets come out.
Sharing things I didn't even know.
Didn't dare admit.
Trouble.
Making me think.
Thinking about you.
About me.
Where does my heart lie?
Too many questions.
Too much to say.
Can only lead to,
Trouble.

blueberry pancakes

so i finally made the blueberry pancakes i have been planning on making for like... over a week now. i finally put some effort into cooking this morning. and oh baby oh baby, i am SO glad i did. they were fantastic, i won't deny. mmmm yummmy yummy. the pancakes are kinda funny though, they consist of yogurt, cottage cheese, eggs, wheat flour, salt, and baking soda. i was a little skeptical about how they would turn out, BUT they were lovely. then i just topped them with the blueberry syrup i made. and they were extremely delicious, however, do NOT burn them. because burnt yogurt tastes really bad.

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so update about life:

1) i gave a talk at church on sunday. i was SO nervous! it was my first "full length" talk. you know, not the little kid/youth speaker talk that lasts like 3 minutes if that. i had timed myself, and it was about a 14 minute talk. so i was pretty impressed with myself, however i'm sure it was shorter, because i was talking really fast. haha. its one of those things that happens when i'm nervous though. my family came, and i was so happy to see them! they even printed off my talk, they're so nice :) haha, Bro Spencer even jokingly thanked them for coming to our ward, and doubling our numbers. haha. yeahhhh. there were not very many people, and in a way, i was rather sad about that. there were a few people i wished had been there, but i suppose i can't feel too badly. thats life.

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2) meet my best fellowshipping buddy! this is Brooke- i mean Brookie! (well she is trying to get people to call her Brookie, but even she is forgetting that most of the time.) her favorite color is yellow. she is in love with the Beatles. She's from St. George. We hung out when i went to visit Alexa cuz we were both down there! haha. She is such a doll!! we are getting to be pretty great friends. we hang out a lot, i'm sure you gathered that since i'm pretty much always over at her apartment. anyways! i love her to death, because we are very much on the same page of life. we're both only 19, and we're both stayin in the ward. we both have very similar senses of humor, and we both act ridiculous all the time. we came up with a sweet dance on sunday night. haha. we are fun :) tee hee

slim...slum...dig...dog

life is soo good :) really really really truly, i haven't been this happy about life for a long long long long time. i don't even remember the last time i have been this happy! It just seems like everything is going right, even when its not, it just SEEMS like everything is going along just fine and dandy. i honestly can't complain about life.

i have a great job that pays the bills, and the people there love and care about me (i mean mostly the residents, haha. like the ones who say i'm their adopted granddaughter, and who tell me i do such a good job and that i deserve a raise.) i love working with my residents! they make me so happy. even just thinking about them makes my heart lighter and happier. yeah i will admit that sometimes my job is demanding and it makes me wanna pull my hair out, but its MINE. sometimes i feel very possesive of my nursing home, and seriously question some of the people that get hired, because i don't want them working with MY sweet residents. they don't know how they like their coffee! they don't know which order to dress them in. they don't know how many tissues they like to take to meals. i know its my job to train them, but sometimes i lose my patience, and feel irritated for really no reason. i guess its just because i know how to do my job now. i'm totally and fully confident at it, i know what to do, what to say, how to handle new residents, how to handle accidents and disasters, i own my job. and i won't deny, i feel a lot of pride at the fact that i can do my job, but not only can i DO it, but i can do it WELL. i feel like i have a special place there for me. and people miss me, and they like it when i'm their aide, and their face lights up when i walk in the room. it warms my heart <3

my callings are amazing!! they keep me way busy, with all the meetings of committees, presidencies, and what not, but i think that its keeping me close to the Lord, and for that, i find the time spent doing callings completely invaluable. plus with the fact that norma gave me and kelli a really good talking to about how since we are in the presidency, we are an example to the rest of the women/girls in the ward. which means we have to be the people we preach we should be. we need to be the ones at the activities, always take the sacrament, be spiritual leaders, and don't do anything we don't want the others to do. so i've really taken that to heart, i really have been trying to live like i'm an example to others. and i really think that it's improved my life. i'm so grateful for my callings. they keep me social, grounded, and closer to God. it really doesn't get much better. despite the fact that i still feel inadequete as a leader, i still feel as though there are so many other better qualified girls in the ward. but i will try my best. and thats all i can do for now :)

so i just watched one of the most amazing movies i've ever seen. no lie. i really really really enjoyed it. i rented "slumdog millionaire" and have now watched it twice. yes, i think it really is that good. i mean its a horribly sad story, but its an amazing story as well. and i cannot tell you how grateful it has made me for the life i have lived. you know, its one of those movies that makes you wonder how you ever had any right at all to complain about the life you've had. i mean here is a story about kids that grew up in a landfill pretty much, who are constantly being hunted down by the most evil men i've ever seen, and somehow are able to make things right by the end. its a heartwrenching story. and i loved it. despite how sad it was. it was terribly clever, and it truly is about real life occurances. you know, the ones that you push to the back of your mind, because they are too horrific to comprehend. i think it was an amazing social realism piece. showing you the darker side of life.

i only wish there was something i could do you know? but how can i help from so far away? i just don't know. i feel sad thinking about children like the ones in the movie. how they were just left to fend for themselves. i know this happens all over the world, and i can't even imagine what life would be like if i had to survive like they did. its incredible what people are able to do in desperate circumstances, but still, i doubt i would have the brains or the brawn to do it, and i'm sure there are children like me who don't make it. and that breaks my heart. if only we could take care of all the children on the earth, if only if only. i suppose i can only hope that the tithing i give to the church somehow helps these children in someway or another. that, and i can pray for them.

i stay up too late

ohhh my goodness. i pulled my first all nighter. yep. i did it. for the first, but probably not the last time. i don't really know what more to say other than this whole "staying up late thing" is getting to be such a HABIT. yep. i'm practically nocturnal. which is not exactly the best thing in the world- but hey- chances are i won't be for very much longer. SO, the night i pulled the all nighter... oh gracious. i wasn't even going to go. i wasn't! i had every intention of just staying put in my warm comfy bed, because i had work in the morning. but davide only had MY phone number, so i had to wait for him to call me to get any information about the four of us, so he kept calling, then he came over. then they were waiting for tommy to be done with something so he could come along with everyone. so they all were in cassidy's room chatting and laughing away... and i was attempting to sleep in my bed, but it was really really not working. so when it came down to leaving... i left with them. haha. so we went to tommy's. we went to beto's (of course. these boys are addicted. they go ALL the time.) then on again to seven peaks at 2:30 in the morning. this time with jill and tommy though. and i will admit, it was a lot more fun the second time! haha. jill was totally scared and only went down once with me and then sat at the bottom of the slide the rest of the time. and tommy was just funny the whole time. it was a good time, all 6 of us just hanging out. unfortunately we didn't get back to the apartment til 5. and i had work at 6. splendid! so i made myself breakfast and got ready for work. and that is that. it was utterly ridiculous- i was falling asleep as i was feeding people during breakfast. but then i took my lunch, which meant i went in my car and crashed for a half hour. then i was able to function the rest of the shift. haha. it was still a good time. so friday we all crashed and slept like all day and watched movies and that was it. but then on saturday we went on another adventure with davide and rhett. haha. those two are really funny.  we drove up to Park City and we snuck into a spa at one of the hotels at the canyons. haha. yes we drove all the way up to park city to go to a hot tub. dumb? yes. a good time nonetheless? heck yes! haha. so that night we got back at 6. then we slept til noon, and then we had church. haha. and we got davide and rhett to both go. so yay us! at any rate- these boys are terribly funny, a really great time, and they have us trying to find somehting to do ALL the time. we are always lookign for stuff to do, instead of doing normal things like sleep and studying. haha. like last night, we didn't even start out hanging out til after 11. then we watched Return of the King- the extended version. NO LIE. it was insanely long! and most everyone fell asleep at somepoint. then after the movie, we just sat there for a really long time, and then tommy said we should have a wrestling match... haha. yes so we all wrestled, and freaking davide is a tank. home at 5 in the morning. haha. wow- we have gone on more adventures together these past two weeks than we have like all semester. i will be sad when they leave me :( first because they are like my only friends- the ones i do the most stuff with- but also because i don't think i'll be hanging out with the guys after this. because its not that they want to hang out with just me- they wanna hang out with the four of us together, because we're a freaking good time! not gonna lie. we are HILARIOUS. i mean- i'd wanna hang out with us. we're funny. so its a package deal when they wanna hang out. they want all of us. so urgh, i'm thinking once everyone leaves- i'm going to be lonely lonely. boo. oh wells- i can't worry about what hasn't happened yet. i'm just gonna focus on the fact that i am having the time of my life and there ain't nothing gonna bring me down. this summer- is going to be amazzzzing. i'll make it so :)