i feel like a stranger in my own home.
sometimes i wish i didn't worry about family.
sometimes i wish i didn't want to come home.
maybe it would make things easier.
i just never feel like i'm doing it right.
i never feel like i'm ever enough.
that the things i do, the choices i have made,
will never let this house, with these people,
feel like home, where i am unconditionally welcomed.
i've hurt them too much.
its with caution they allow me to be here.
and yes it is christmas.
it is a time of love.
among family and friends.
but being here.
with them.
these people i love.
we are just acquaintances.
we don't know eachother.
not anymore.
i can't help but feel,
that i'm a burden.
i cause pain.
i am not who they want me to be.
so i should just go home.
but i am home.
so maybe i should just go
away.
it might be easier that way.
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Family always knows each other. Always know one another. Maybe not at the surface, or what is going on "right there, right now". But they always know what is the most important... the "back where, back when" times. The deep in your soul times. The best kind of acquaintances are those who are bound to you by blood. You are exactly who they want you to be. You are you. Just you. No one else. Only you.
ReplyDeleteWe all cause pain. To ourselves, to others, to the Lord. But we also cause joy. It is more than just endurance. More than just accepting responsibility. It is about accepting joy into our lives as well.
So don't go away. It wouldn't be easier. Burdens and trials have a way of following you anywhere. Be home where you should be. Sometimes it is easier to heal fully with strangers who know and love you, then to heal half way with strangers who don't.
Much love.