war

today is the day of the holy war. the infamous BYU vs. U of U game. sigh, this is such a childish and ridiculous game. well, ok the football isn't, but the constant rivalry between the fans is. its just not funny. i hate the hatred for each other. i hate that BYU has to saran wrap its monuments because the university lives in fear that U fans will ruin them. its just sad. i mean i think that the rivalry is fun, but not when it gets so intense that fights break out. i like both teams. this i will admit. i mean i'm rooting for the cougars, i still live in provo, my family has all gone to BYU, and well i just can't escape that my blood runs blue. yet, i will admit, that i am currently wearing my U of U water polo sweatshirt, so i'm kinda a walking contradiction. haha. i would like it if the cougars win, but if the utes win, its not the end of the world, then a lot of my friends would be happy at least.

but this football rivalry isn't the only war going on. there is another. but this one i care a lot more about. this one affects me personally. this one... is one where i just don't even know what to do with. i don't know what to do, what to say. i'm totally helpless. i hate this. i hate this so so much. i hate being at war with her, because i don't even mean to be at war here.

i've ruined her life. its as simple as that. she's depressed and she has no motivation, and it's all because of me. i've ruined not only her life, but i've ruined her. i've ruined the beautiful happy cheerful person that she once was. she's one of those girls, a one in a million, a girl that everybody wants to be, she's such a vibrant, outstanding, loving, caring, selfless girl. but she isn't all those things anymore. she's like a shadow of herself when she doesn't feel like she needs to be acting anymore. she feels so alone. she is depressed. she's not the girl she once was.

all because once upon a time, i was one of those girls who so desperately wanted to be like her. i was a girl who was so jealous of my sister. everybody liked her. everybody wanted her. she was beautiful and desirable, funny and charming, everything i thought i wasn't. just know, i did not seek out a way to hurt her. i didn't want to bring her down in order to bring myself up, that was never my game. but when he started talking to me, when he started asking questions, when he was acting interested, when he made suggestions, opportunity arose. and at the point of no return, i said yes, where i should have said no.

not a day goes by that i wish i had done differently. how i wish i could take it back. how i wish that i hadn't been so insecure. its sad to admit that the reason why i probably said yes was mostly because i wanted to prove to myself that i was as desireable as my sister. how pathetic. i was a horrible person. how i hate the person i was. i can't imagine not caring for her now. i can't imagine even risking her that pain now. but because it happened, and because it only recently came to light, she still think i'm the same. still thinks i would hurt her like that. and it just doesn't seem like anything i say will change her from thinking that, i hurt her in the past, and yet she talks to me saying things that make it seem like i'm still currently hurting her. i just don't know what to say, or how to respond to that. sigh.

i'm sorry for the hurt i've caused her. i'm sorry for having been so selfish. i'm sorry i was never the sister i should have been, not to her or my little sisters. how i wish i could go back. how i wish i could be a better example. how i wish i had realized how stupid i was being. i'm so sorry. i'm so sorry i brought her into a depression. i know what that is like, and its awful. its the absolute worst. i know the lack of motivation to do anything, whether its interract with family, homework or whatever. i know that feeling, and i can't believe that i have brought her to that level. it is pure hell. i can't be more sorry for doing that to her. my poor dear sweet sister.

I DO NOT KNOW HOW TO FIX THIS. I DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO.

i don't what to do or say to make it better. because i feel like i have no right to it. i feel like yes she should still hate me. yes i deserve that, but i don't want her to. i don't want her to hate me. i don't want to keep living like this. i don't like having to feel like i have to tip-toe around her. but i'm just afraid that if i do or say anything, it will only end up horribly, because thats what happens. whenever she decides to open up conversation, i always end up saying the wrong things, and it only makes things worse. and that is why i don't talk about it. because it doesn't do any good. and then sometimes i do try to talk about it, and i apologize and she doesn't respond to me. silence. thats all. how do i respond to that? how do i work with that? how do i know if anything i say is even believed? how do i know if she even cares?

because well... i don't think she cares what i have to say. she wants me to be sorry, and i am. i am so sorry. and i've told her that. i have told her i'm sorry, but the way she just assumes what it is that i'm feeling, and the fact that she tells me that she doesn't even believe what i do tell her, just makes it seem like she wants her point of view shared. she wants me to know exactly how awful i've made her life, but when its my turn to respond (and admittedly by the time its my turn to respond i'm upset, because of the assumptions she's made) but anyways when its my turn to respond, to get out what it is that i'm trying to say, she tells me "anger doesn't tell me that you're sorry" and then she runs off. before i even get to explain myself. because she doesn't care. she doesn't care what i'm trying to tell her. she doesn't care, because 10 months ago, I didn't care. i hate this. it's such a cruel irony.

so maybe if i explain just a little here, maybe she'll read it. maybe she'll get a little bit of what i've been trying to say, but only saying wrong, or in the wrong tone.

i do not hate him. i do not hate the guy that she is in love with. and i do not hate her, or look down upon her, for still being in love with him. he admittedly is a good guy, he is funny, and he is nice and he is a great athlete. and he is sweet to my sister. he still has room to improve, but most guys do. he isn't perfect, but no guy is. and thats ok. i'm all for giving out second chances, heaven knows that when it comes to my own heart i've given out more than one or two second chances. i've come to accept that my sister loves him, and its true, i don't know him like she does, and because i love my sister and respect her, i should respect her feelings and emotions, and if he has caught her interest, there must be more than what meets the eye. besides, i know how hard it is to control your heart, you can't help but love some people, no matter how much you wish you hadn't. so i do not hate him. or hate her for loving him. and i really don't mind her talking about him. in fact i actually enjoy hearing her talk about him, because he brings her joy, and heaven knows that girl deserves some joy in her life.

sigh... i don't know what else to explain. i think thats all i can say... sigh. i guess i can only end this the only way i know how to. with three words that will hopefully mean something to a certain someone.

i. am. sorry.

oh, and ps. BYU won :)