No Fear

It's funny how much things can change in such a short amount of time.
It's funny how I can start my summer with one plan in mind
and have it go totally opposite
but I don't mind.

It's funny that I don't have such pain anymore
It's funny that I remember what it's like to feel again
the pain I was so accustomed to
has finally left.

I'm still afraid though.
Scared for the future.
Of what it holds.
And who it hurts.

But one scripture helps a lot.
John 4:18
"There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear:
because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love"

Something to strive for. To remember always.
No fear. Just love.

I am no rock

I wish I could apply the lyrics of this song:

"Don't talk of love,
But I've heard the words before;
It's sleeping in my memory.
I won't disturb the slumber of feelings that have died.
If I never loved I never would have cried.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

Because a rock feels no pain.
And an island never cries"

I am no rock though.
And I do cry.
And that's all I have to say.

yessss

                                                                      I got the job!!

efy, here I come.

my adolescent dream is coming true.

I'm gonna be a counselor!

AH

so beyond words how excited I am.

updates on where and when- coming soon :)

conference thoughts

So it was general conference weekend, and it was, just in one word "Wow." I was incredibly impressed with this time. I don't know why it hit me so hard this time, maybe its just because I was so... in need of a spiritual pick-me-up. It got over with just a few hours ago, but I knew I wanted to write a few thoughts about things I heard in conference. I loved how things started off yesterday morning, Saturday sessions are seriously some of my favorite, now that I actually try to pay attention to them. But the one that stood out the most to me this time around was the Sunday afternoon one. Most specifically Elder Scott's and Elder Christofferson's talks.

I was in the car with my sisters and my dad while coming back from my grandparents hosue during the start of Elder Scott's talk, but luckily everyone was quiet enough I could still hear it on the radio. And while he was talking, I just couldn't help but tear up. He was talking about marriage, and how there are so many people out there, men and women, who need to "get with it" and get married. I can't lie, there was a certain someone I was thinking of when this go brought up, and I kinda wondered if he thought about me too... But that is besides the point. Elder Scott then started talking about his wife, and the way he spoke of her so highly, he choked up with emotion as he talked of her kindness, her selflessness, her service. He was is still so in love with her, even with her gone. She was a woman. He had such a beautiful way of describing the way she embraced her woman-hood, righteously. I'll have to put it up when they have the talks written online, because it was so eloquent, I know I can't say it correctly.

But the point is, that is who I want to be. More than anything in the world. I want my future spouse to be able to speak of me with such love and admiration. He loved and respected her, she was his equal, his companion, his example at times. She was a true woman. And it just made me think, that I am still just such a girl. I have so much growing to do before I feel like I can live up to that title. Especially to live up to the title of a "woman from the church". There were talks about how incredible the women of the church are, and I just feel like I don't quite live up to that either, not yet at any rate. I still am far too selfish, I have a really hard time asking for help, I don't like depending on people because I like to do things myself, and I still make stupid decisions. A woman doesn't do those things, she can be a good companion and asks for help, she can depend on her man, and she is selfless. That is who I want to be, so that is who I will strive to be. Someone who just radiates the essence of a woman of the church.

Which brings me to the next talk that came up that really touched me. Elder Christofferson was up next. He spoke of the Atonement, and how we need to be able to be corrected and chastised by Heavenly Father because that is how we will be able to grow and develop into the people He wants us to be. This just seemed to go hand in hand with my thoughts of how I am still such a girl and want to be a woman. I was chastised, there are a lot of things I need to fix, and I am so grateful that these two men could have such great talks that inspire me to make those changes that I need to make to be the woman I want to become.

Conference was just so incredible. I can't even truly explain how heart-lifting this was. I so desperately needed to hear some of these talks, and I am so grateful that I was ready and willing to listen. And I am even more grateful for the priesthood leadership in this church, and the ability they have to be mouthpieces of the Lord. So armed with the words and the feelings I gained today, I feel confident in my striving to be who I want to be. I feel confident that I can change from being this silly girl, to a beautiful woman.

florida

I'm moving.
In August.
To Florida.

I don't know if I'll get the EFY job, something tells me I probably will get shafted, I hear its really hard to get in your first year. But regardless, I'm going to take my math class this summer (after I study take the accuplacer and get in the 1050 class) so I can get my associates degree and justify taking a semester off. I'm also going to work- doing whatever work I get hired to do. I may stay at Trinity, just til August though. However, if I do get EFY, I'm gonna quit. Anyways, I'm going to save money this summer, as much as I can, so that in August, I can pack up my car and drive through 9 or 10 states to the lovely state of Florida with my best friend Alexa. Call it reckless, call it impulsive, call it whatever you want, I call it taking a chance. I want out of my comfort zone. I'll get a job at Disney World or wherever, I still want to look at how much CNA's make out there, and live far away from home where I'll get a good dose of living in "the real world".

I really am excited about this plan- I really like this idea. And despite what many "nay-sayers" may say, I really think Lex and I can make this happen. She's already going crazy over finding us a place to live at, I'm pretty much good living anywhere where I can have my own room and isn't going to send me into debt. She's getting a puppy. We're gonna get walkie-talkies. It's gonna be good, I just feel it. There are just a few things I need to do before I go.

1. Obviously, have money saved up so I can afford it, and have a cushion just in case I can't get a job right away.
2. Sell my lease at my apartment. I think it'll sell well, since I've renewed several times, my rent is cheaper than most, so it should sell more easily.
3. Get my car checked out. It kinda makes a funny clicking noise when I turn left...
4. Buy a GPS. I'm going to want it for the trip across the country, and when we're in Florida.
5. Get a credit card. I need to get working on building credit.
6. Quit thinking things between me and Joel are going to somehow miraculously work out again. IT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. Just tell that to my stupid heart that keeps holding on to hope, despite me trying to distract myself with phlebotomist guy and etc. It sucks, but I'm just still in love with Joel. But moving to Florida will make it impossible for it to work out, so that'll be good. The sooner the better I say.

So... Dear Florida,
     I cannot wait to be in your warm climate. It's almost April, and it snowed. I know you would never do this to me. I'm tired of monotony. I want an exciting and drastic change, and I think you can provide this. No more mountains. I want a beach. Sand and the ocean. And being tan. You also provide the chance to live with my best friend again, but this time not on a mattress on the floor of my room, but in our own apartment with a puppy dog. The boys here break my heart, maybe some sunshine and Disney World can make it feel better. I hope we can work things out Florida, I really am excited.

All my love,
       Britt

and run

I'm taking this song to heart. I desperately need a major change. I've been doing the same thing for just about the past two years, and I need to switch it up. I think that will really help me, with everything. I'm going to quit my job this summer. I applied, and interviewed for, an EFY job this summer, and I really hope I make it, but even if I don't, I'm going to do something different. Work somewhere thats more social, with people more my age. I might transfer somewhere in the fall, if anyone would take me. Change schools, wards, apartments. It sounds like a very welcome opportunity. It's a beautiful thing to realize that things don't have to stay the same as they are the now. I can do whatever I want. Go wherever I want. So that's what I'll do. In the words of this song, I"m gonna run :)

And Run- He is We

Oh ah oh ah oh ah oh oh,
Oh ah oh ah oh ah oh oh.
Oh ah oh ah oh ah oh oh,
Oh ah oh ah oh ah oh oh.

Kinda wish I had the courage,
A bit of bravery.
So tired of waiting on a man to come and save me.
Wishing I had everything,
Or something really.
I do admit it,
But now I'm thinking freely.


I'm going to open my mind to all these,
New found exciting possibilities.

Oh ah oh ah oh ah oh oh.
I'm making all my own plans,
(Oh ah oh ah oh ah oh oh.)
Throwing all my old ones away.
(Oh ah oh ah oh ah oh oh.)
Gonna grow up, Be someone.
Draw a map, find a path.
Take a breath and run.
And run.

Filling my head with words to encourage me,
Gotta get my act so straight so I can truly believe.
That what I'm waiting for, is really worth the wait.
Stop bringing myself down,
I gotta know what makes me great.

I'm going to open my mind to all these,
New found exciting possibilities.

Oh ah oh ah oh ah oh oh.
I'm making all my own plans,
(Oh ah oh ah oh ah oh oh.)
Throwing all my old ones away.
(Oh ah oh ah oh ah oh oh.)

Gonna grow up, Be someone.
Draw a map, find a path.
Take a breath and run.

I am trying to get past this,
Be better than I once was.
Tired of waiting, on someone else.

I am trying to get past this,
Be better than I once was.
Tired of waiting on someone else,
I can fix it by myself.

Oh ah oh ah oh ah oh oh.
I'm finally taking a stand,
(Oh ah oh ah oh ah oh oh.)
I've learned from all my mistakes.
(Oh ah oh ah oh ah oh oh.)
I'm making all my own plans,
(Oh ah oh ah oh ah oh oh.)
Throwing all my old ones away.
(Oh ah oh ah oh ah oh oh.)

Gotta grow up, be someone.
Draw a map, find a path.
Take a breath and run.

Oh ah oh ah oh ah oh oh
Run, run, run, run.
(Oh ah oh ah oh ah oh oh.)
Run, run, run, run.
(Oh ah oh ah oh ah oh oh.)
Oh ah oh ah oh ah oh oh.

gospel

I can't sleep, so I'll share things that have been on my mind this evening:

This gospel never ceases to amaze me.
I have such faith in this church, I don't know how I ever questioned it.
I don't know how I could ever want anything more than to be a faithful member.
It helps me through the hardest trials.
It helps me through the tiniest problems.
I don't know where I would be without it.

I know that the Atonement is real. It is the most incredible gift that I could ever be given. It changes lives. It has changed mine, and I can never forget that, never deny that. And my big brother Jesus Christ is the reason for why I am able to repent from all the stupid things I do. I am eternally in his debt, and I hope I can help repay him someday by being the best person and example I can be to those around me.

I have such a testimony of Bishops, and how they are called of God, and really do have stewardship in order to recieve revelation for his members. My Bishop is like my Dad. He's the best! He's like a wise teddy bear. I can talk to him about anything, and he knows exactly what to say, and how to help me.

I have a testimony of priesthood blessings and all the good they can do. I never knew how completely wonderful priesthood blessings could be before, how much they can help heal. I only ever recieved blessings when it was the begining of the school year, getting a calling, or getting my patriarchial one. Never had I gotten one because I was in emotional distress, and it was incredible to feel the after affects.

I know that other leaders are called of God as well. That the men called to the Quorom of the Seventy are inspired men who have important messages to give to the rising generation. Elder Cook and Elder Munday have had profound lessons to teach us, and they have sunk in my soul. I love to hearken to their voices.

I am so grateful for the amazing people in my life who are able to help me along my way. The good friends who encourage me, for my residents who always make me smile and remind me who I am, my parents who love me unconditionally, my grandma who is such an example to me, and again, the incredible leaders who have such an impact on my life.

I know that this gospel is here for me to enjoy, and that even when I am sad, deep down I truly am happy, because I have this gospel in my life. Everything will work out okay. I have faith in the future, that I will be even happier then.

I am so blessed. So loved. I wish everyone could feel the happiness that I do.