i'm afraid

i'm afraid.
i guess thats the easiest way to put it.
it's halloween, and i quite honestly am scared.
not of ghosts or of goblins
demons or zombies
but of my future.

i've done a lot of talking lately
with a lot of friends
and this realization hit me like a ton of bricks
i am afraid of what is to come.

this is why i don't think about my future.
i worry about things enough to get by.
enough to not be completely derailed from lifelong dreams.
but only enough.
never above and beyond.
i hate my past.
i live in the now.
and i'm scared for my future.

it's ironically appropriate
this being the season for fright.
that i sit and i worry
that i fear for my life
and all i'm thinking about is my future.

i don't want to grow up.
i'm afraid of those responsibilities.
i don't want to think about 5 years from now.
i want to think about what i'm doing tomorrow.
i don't know if i want to be a nurse.
i would love to be an elementary school teacher.
but why would i change my major?
is it because i am seeking the easy way out?
because getting in the nursing program is hard?
i don't want to get married.
i'm far too selfish for such a thing.
it lasts for eternity...
that is a very long time.
i can't even grasp it
will it work out?
who knows anymore...
so many end early these days.

i don't know what i'm doing with my life
i feel like a mess
i feel like i'm spinning my wheels
going nowhere
doing enough to say i'm doing something
being carefree
but its not going to cut it anymore

i need some direction
but i fear that too
what if i can't do what i need to?
i'm so scared.
and i don't understand why...
futures are supposed to be happy!
they're supposed to bring joy.
so what the heck is my problem?
why does the thought of my future make knots in my belly?

i'm getting my blessing.
my patriarchial one.
i called him today.
perhaps this weekend of worry was just what i needed.
November 14th.
i'm getting it then
and its still safe to say-
i'm afraid.