i've cried

so, lately, i've found myself crying... a lot. a lotta lot. maybe it has to do with it being the time that Sir Tomas comes to visit, and maybe its because i'm just becoming more sensitive to my life. more in tune with the good, the bad, and the ugly.

i've cried because i feel closer to god. when i went to my institute class on tuesday, i had such an intensely spiritual experience that it was like physical. my chest felt like it was so swollen, and i felt like i was going to burst! i left it feeling just so overwhelmed with comfort and peace. its something that i hadn't had for such a long time. the class was about the gospel and romantic love. we discussed a talk from elder bruce c. hafen. it was such a perfect talk for me. in fact the whole lesson was such a blessing to me. it was a confirmation that breaking up with him was the very best thing for me to do right now. and i can guarantee that if we hadn't broken up on sunday night, we definitely would have after tuesday. because in class we talked about good gospel centered relationships, and instead of feeling guilty because of my relationship, i felt free. i knew it was because i had listened to the promptings of the spirit. i knew it was because i was putting god first.


i've cried because i feel as if i've done so much spiritual damage to my dearest and closest friends. i feel like i have let so many people down. it brings me to tears just now writing about it. writing about how i don't even know how much damage i've done to my friends. i have no idea. its incalculable. and i feel so awful for it. i wish i could take back so many things, so many things i said, so many things i did, so many things i spoke of and joked about and treated with such disrespect, when these things are so sacred and special. i went outside the bounds first. i dredged myself in sin first, i took the plunge, and came back and told my friends. told them it was ok, i mean i was ok right? wrong. i was so so wrong. i was never ok. i'm still not ok. and though i'm trying so hard to get back to where i once was, back to when i was truly happy, i still am suffering from the horrible consequences of ill-made choices. suffering. every. single. day. and now i have my friends who are on the same path i was on not too long ago, and they cannot stop. and my heart aches. how different would their lives be if i hadn't been in them? would they have made the same choices? would they think twice? i feel as though i was leading people, some of them my dear close friends, to spiritual death. and i didn't even know it. not til now. how i hate myself for it.

my dear friends, if you are reading this, and i ever influenced you for the worse, please please, forgive me. i am going to forever live my life wondering if i ruined people, when i could have been so much better, if only i had been a stronger, more faithful person. god lead people into my life, and i lead them away.

we are all our brother's keeper, designed to help and lift one another to attain our divine potential, and i abused my calling. i am so sorry. so sorry. my dear friends, if you are engulfed in sin, whatever sin it may be, please know that it is not worth it. the momentary happiness you may feel, is not lasting. focus on the feelings within yourself, guilt never goes away, even if you think you've hidden it so well. you will feel heavy within. and i can testify that when you are living your life right, you feel light. focus on that. think on that. please, please stop hurting yourself.

i've cried because i feel that some very special people in my life are so far from where they should be, these are some of the people that i feel as though i've had such a negative effect on, and yet now, when i'm trying to be a good example, while i'm making sacrifices, while i'm trying to be a good influence, i feel as though they aren't trying. they say they are, but they aren't. and it hurts. i don't understand! why do they deny themselves blessings? why do they say they are trying, but don't do the little things that can help them get there? why do they continue to weaken their already weak spirituality? it makes me cry. i just don't understand.

sigh... i just cry. a lot. i don't know if this is a phase, i kinda hope it is, i mean i don't particularly enjoy being a bawl baby, but i do think that its important that i've been feeling these things. they're helping me to understand myself, and also to grow up a little bit more each day.

cosmic wish

take my hand
take my hand and never let go.
take me
lead me far far away
take me on an adventure.
take me to the moon
into the galaxy
lets dance in the stars
hold me close
lets taste the milky way
hold me in your strong arms
and whisper in my ear
sweet somethings
whats that in your eye?
oh just a twinkle
we'll be a constellation
tears turn to glitter
and comets pass by
but the sun shines on your face
in your eyes

shades of green

i'm a very jealous person. yep i've recently discovered this. i frequently end up having to stop myself from judging myself against other people- but i usually never stop before i actually do the judging- so the damage is already done. i mean i never saw myself as a really jealous person. but lately i've discovered i have little fits of jealousy just about every single day, i just never let anyone know. so i'm coming out of the closet. i get jealous. every. single. day. about silly things mostly, but just know that when i compliment you, i'm probably secretly hating you deeep deeeeep down in my heart, only because i wish i could be more like you. so in a way its a compliment right?? haha, ok so its not really, only because its detrimental to me. i need to stop being so critical of myself. baby steps, and i think that just acknowleding it is the first step. so here is a list of things, things that i get jealous of. little everyday things.

I'm jealous because some people....
1- don't have jobs and pretty much only worry about socializing
2- have parents who pay for pretty much everything
3- are SOOOOO photogenic!
4- are terribly more creative and intellectual than i
5- have much better music taste than me
6- have no major regrets
7- have the confidence to strut
8- have the confidence to wear whatever, and WORK it
9- are terribly more witty and clever
10- can get things done at work much much faster than me
11- stand up for themselves and aren't doormats, ever.
12- are much skinnier than i
13- have really cute clothes and much better style
14- aren't afraid
15- will say exactly what they want to
16- don't procrastinate
17- have one of those smiles that just makes the world better
18- don't get embarrassed easily
19- don't have a duct-taped window
20- are far better organized
21- say very profound things
22- don't say stupid things that make people give you the 'wtf ' look
23- can go to the temple
24- don't worry about hurting people's feelings
25- are better friends than i am
26- have more friends than they know what to do with
27- know exactly what they want and how to get it in life
28- are much better at math than me
29- don't care as much as i do bout certain things
30- get through the yellow light and i have to stop at the red

So there you go, a petty list of my petty jealousies. I know i really have no reason to be jealous, my life is so truly amazing! i have so much to be grateful for! and i am so blessed, i know i am. but that doesn't mean that i don't have these silly feelings getting harbored up on the inside. so now that they are released, maybe, just maybe, i can let them go, and move on from them.

crossroads

well... this is not an unfamiliar place for me nowadays. it seems like every couple of weeks i'm back to the same old question, with the same old feelings, with the same old advice from everyone else, and with my same old uncertainty as before. i just don't know what to do. and yet, i have to make a decision, at somepoint. i can't be a fence sitter, i can't have both ways.
uuurrgghhhh.
sometimes i hate decisions. most times they are great tho! i love choosing between what comfy scrubs to wear, what breakfast cereal to eat, how to do my hair, what flavor of ice cream i want to savor, what song to listen to, what time to go to bed, what color of pen to use, how much i can budget for spending, etc. etc. i LOVE making those kind of choices. the ones that will only effect what, minutes? and at most, hours of my life? but then there are other ones... other choices that can change the rest of you life. and well... i'm just not a fan of those particular decisions . and its not like i'm even making those decisions right now, its just that the decisions i do make right now, will determine how soon i have to make those life-changing ones.

and i want to make the right choices. i really really do. and i know what i want in my future. but i'm afraid. afraid of a lot of things. afraid that what it is i want isn't right. afraid to lose him. afraid to be alone. and i'm afraid to disappoint. afraid to disappoint my heavenly father. afraid to disappoint my family. afraid to disappoint him. afraid to disappoint myself.

in the hall of flags

I wonder what I look like
to the ones who pass me by.
I wonder what they see,
when they look me in the eye.
Can they see the struggles,
the fights going on within?
Can they see my character?
Or do they judge me by my skin?
Can they sense the sorrow,
and the fears I've kept inside?
Or do I conceal it all so well,
as I join them at their side?
I only wish I knew,
how I appear to be.
Another one's persepective,
would help to set me free.
From my self imprisonment,
of judging my own ways.
Its time for me to turn my back,
and get rid of this old phase.
But others cannot change it all,
this starts and ends with me.
It is just a trial to overcome,
and it is success that you will see.
For I have the will to carry on,
and leave the doubt behind.
Because I'm on a personal quest,
and confidence is what I'll find.

oh summertime lovin

The summer is drawing to a close. In a matter of days i move into my apartment a whole 10 minutes away from home, but it will feel so much further. life will be so different. i have a job now. a job that on most days i completely adore. at the nursing home, where i do what feels like hard labor and compassionate service for 8 hours straight. starting at 6 in the morning. and yet despite the ridiculous hour- i quite enjoy my job. i love the people. i love that this is helping me get a foot in the door in the medical field. i love making the residents smile. i love doing something that is so easy for me, but it just means the world to them. i love my work no matter how exhausting it is. so now i have this job, the job to start paying for all the things i now have expenses for, but despite the pretty good pay, it never seems like enough. money seems to just slip through my fingertips. this has never really been an issue in my life until now. i never realized the intensity of stress about money and making payments. how do grownups do all these things EVERY day?!? its absurd. i think the stress will kill me. as if maintaining my job, my gpa, and church callings isn't enough.

oh gracious... perhaps i'm just emotional. and these emotions have all been caused by one little four-letter word: love.


love has been taken to so many different levels for me this summer. levels i never even dreamed about experiencing, well not at all this summer anyways.

level 1: is the love i have for my work and my residents. i really wish i could do everything. i wish i could do all the things they want and need me to do. but i just can't. i'm not superwoman, and when i'm taking care of 12 residents, some are bound to miss some of the TLC i most desperately want to give them. i used to go home feeling guilty about the things i didn't get a chance to do, but i've learned to look at all the good things i did in the day more than the things i didn't get done. which always by far outmargin the bad.

level 2: is the love i have for people who inspire me and make me want to be a better person. they are the ones who have helped me come so far from where i used to be. my family and friends have been so supportive of me, and they have helped me be more like the person i really want to be. my love has changed for them. where i used to avoid those who i didn't think would understand me, i now trust in them and i use them to help me be stronger. they know my strengths, they know my weaknesses, and they still love and support me. i'm so grateful for them and their influences.

level 3: is the love i have for the church and for my heavenly father. i finally believe that he really does know me, and knows my flaws, and knows my weaknesses, but he knows that i'm trying. he knows where my heart is, and he knows that as long as i continue to do what i know is right, he knows that i can be a valiant leader. its hard sometimes, and sometimes i want to quit trying, because it would be SO much easier to just quit and not try. but then heavenly father shares little tender mercies with me, and it changes my mind. i know that i am a daughter of god. i know that he loves me. i am so blessed. he has shown me so much love and kindness through the spirit and through those that i associate with. i have been given so much more than i deserve.

level 4: now this is the definition of love that most people think of when they think of love, this is my little shpeal about romance. for the first time in my life, i do believe that i am in love. and can i just say how much this totally terrifies me?

overrated

now i'm an adult. i am the big 1-8. and i am all graduated. and it seems like the world has been thrown upon my shoulders. suddenly i have to worry, suddenly i have to start thinking even further into the future. its intimidating! singles ward, checking accounts, apartment leases, my own cell phone. remind me why its amazing to be old again? remind me why i want to pay for everything myself and desperately search for a job to be able to afford it all?
being old is overrated.
i feel so inadequete.
like i won't be able to do this all for long. can i quit being old? can i go back to the days when i was cinderella and my daddy was prince charming? or how about the days when i played with my sisters day in and day out? i think that i cannot. no matter how much i feel that i still belong in those days of safety and security.
sigh. continue onward i suppose. thats all i can do. and i will do it, not without fear, but onwards all the same. because this is also a thrill. to be on my own, to do exactly what i want! the possibilities are limitless! but at what cost? the cost of growing up.