day eight: ruin me

someone who ruined me...

he was my first high school crush. my first date. my first kiss. he was my best friend for an entire summer. it stopped being "what are you doing tonight?" it was "what are WE doing tonight?" we just were comfortable with each other- too comfortable. my feelings for him never quite left, they were always there beneath the surface, even though i told everyone we were "just friends". then junior year hit, my parents decided we were going to move to provo, so i started school at timpview, but still went back to park city over weekends. we tried seeing each other as much as possible when i went home. and one night out of the blue, he kissed me... i thought it meant something... turns out it was just something to do... he broke my heart. this was the start of my "dark" age... due to that one boy... nick johnson. this used to be my favorite picture of him.

day seven: worth it

someone who has made my life worth living...

i can't pick just one person- i just can't. once upon a time, when i was in my "dark" phase and i thought about dark things, there were three little lights that kept me from completely going over the edge... my little sisters.

steffany laurel...
i cannot even begin to explain how much i love this girl. she's my example in so many ways! so many times i was jealous of this sweet girl, because she is just so incredible! she's the type of person that you are just drawn to. she's so funny, and quirky, and silly, mature, and confident, and beautiful, and spiritual. she has gone through so much, some of it unfortunately was due to some of my actions, and yet she worked through it and is now the fantastically radiant young lady she is now. she's my best friend. i can talk to her about anything. i miss seeing her all the time. i love reminiscing about all of the ridiculous things we did when we were little... sneaking barbies in our pj's, making hammocks on the bunk bed, playing fat-so... she is my childhood. i love my steff-a-roo.

courtney katherine...
oh this darling girl makes me laugh. she is such a sweet innocent little lady. sometimes she reminds me of myself when i was littler. she loves to read, she's a bookworm, like i was. she's always got a book in her hands, or nearby at least. she is such a little worry-wart too. she stresses, and she panics herself (especially when there is a bug around, haha) but she is so sweet. i love how she is sensitive to those around her. she goes out of her way to make people feel loved. she's such a good student too, i could probably use some tips from her. she is such a little diva sometimes, but its cute. she sings her little heart out, and she can be absolutely absurd, but that's what makes her so endearing, she just laughs it off. i love my courtney coo.

lindsey rachel...
she's my baby. i can't help but think of that, i remember being her babysitter with her running into my arms. she's always been the baby of the family, and definitely always acted like it. she loves to show off, loves to talk like a little girl so we remember, but now she so desperately wants to grow up now too, especially with steff and court both being in young women's. she's an amazing little gymnast! it just comes so naturally to her. she is such a sweet little girl, she always greets me with the biggest squeezy hugs when i come home to visit. she is such a little bundle of energy too! she is always go go go and she always is doing something. i can't wait to see her grow up into even more of a little lady. i love my lindsey lou.

these are my sisters, my loves, the people i would do anything for. i love them with all of my heart.

day six: hope i never

i can only think of one thing that i truly hope i never have to do... i hope i never have to bury a child. i think this would be the hardest thing i could possibly think of doing. i have seen the faces of parents who have had to do this, i have seen the anguish, i have seen the pain. i do not want that. i have seen one of my aunts go through this horrible ordeal, after the death of my baby cousin, and i have so much respect and love for her after going through something that just hurt so badly. i just cannnot even imagine, cannot even begin to fathom what its like, but i know how i feel about my sisters, my friends, my dog, my parents, i just do not think i would handle the death of one of my children very well. the child who developed inside me. my baby. i really truly hope above all else, that i never have to do this.

~ In loving memory of Elle Hullinger ~
   May 24, 2005 ~ August 30, 2006

day five: hope

its amazing how what you hope for can change day by day... so today, i hope that i will have a happy marriage. i hope that someday, when i decide to get married, my husband and i will both want to work on our marriage together. i hope that he still feels madly in love with me 5 years down the road, 10 years, 20 years, 50 years, into the eternities. i hope i feel the same way about him. i hope that we're best friends. i hope that we won't fight a lot, i know its unrealisitc, but for right now i just hope we can at least try not to. i hope that we will be able to talk things out. i hope i never tire of holding his hand. i hope he never tires of calling me beautiful. i hope we will want to be with eachother all the time. i hope i will miss him when he's gone. i hope he calls me just to tell me he loves me. i hope we'll make meaningful love. i hope we have lots of kids. i hope we go on dates even if we have to get a babysitter. i hope i'll make him smile everyday. i hope he'll kiss me goodmorning even if i have bad breath. i hope that we'll dance across the kitchen floor. i hope he'll read the children bedtime stories. i hope the spirit will be in our home. i hope he will make his role of patriarch a priority. i hope he calls me honey. i hope i call him sweetheart. i hope "i love you" never gets old. i hope when we're old and wrinkly we'll be able to sit and smile and reminisce about our beautiful life together <3

day four: forgive another

i don't know what to say... i honestly don't feel as though i have not forgiven anyone that has hurt me... maybe i just haven't been hurt that often... maybe i just don't have grudges... but i honestly feel as though i am at peace with anyone and everyone that i have crossed paths with... i used to put a lot of blame on my past actions on my parents... but after i ranted and got all my emotions out, in a school paper actually, i even learned to forgive them. becuase they are human, and lets face it, raising teenagers is not an easy thing to do. especially raising me, because i was a pill. (i know i know, i'm STILL technically a teenager, being 19 and all, but i like to think that i'm a little bit more mature these days than i was 3 years ago)

however, new information, ironically discovered today, gives me the impression that perhaps in the distant or maybe not so distant future, i may have one person i will have to forgive... but i should hope that it doesn't result in that... fingers crossed.

day three: forgive myself

i have to forgive myself for... my past. i made some extremely stupid and hurtful choices in my past, that continue to have repercussions even still today despite the changing of my ways. there are a lot of things i wish i hadn't done, but a lot of those things have helped me become who i am today. although if i could take back a lot of the things i did, i would. i suppose i'm also greatful for my experiences because they have strengthened my resolve and my faith in Jesus Christ and they have given me an understanding of the beauty and reality of the Atonement. i still hate the person i was. i still hate the things i did, the things i didn't do, the things i said, the things i didn't say, the people i hurt, all those things, they made me a horrible, miserable person. but perhaps it was from those things that i know that i never want to be there again, and i know how much happier of a person i am now because of the learning from my past.

day two: love

something that i love about myself- i love that i can be happy. i can be happy all the time. seriously, i can be happy ALL the time. i just have to think about it. i know that there could easily be ways that i could get depressed about my life and everything in it, and sometimes it gets me down for a minute, but i choose not to dwell on it, because my life is beautiful and i have nothing to complain about.

i think i started this idea that happiness is all in your head a long time ago, my junior year actually. i had been diagnosed as "clinically depressed" and they had given me a bunch of medicine, but as soon as i had the prescription, i realized i didn't NEED it. it was all in my head. i was allowing myself to be depressed. now, i don't want to make a blanket statement, because i know that each individual situation is different, BUT i do believe that probably a lot of people's depression is all in their head, and they are just allowing themselves to be that way. i really do believe that if you make a concious effort to be happy- you will be.

Steff once shared a quote with me saying, "If you want to be happy, BE." and i've really taken that to heart, i conciously make an effort to be happy, and well, I AM. i don't worry, i don't stress, i just go about on my happy little way. and i love my life so much more! i'm an incredibly just happy, chipper, smiley, laughing person! i love being happy and i love bringing smiles to other peoples faces! i think i really magnify this when i'm at work. i think i love myself best when i'm with my residents, because my attitude is solely about serving them, and i am just there to make their life a little easier. i'm lovely and smiley and friendly and kind. i love that <3