day one: hate

So, my Alexa friend is doing this thing because one of her friends is doing this. and i think i would really enjoy doing it as well. it's called "30 Days of Truth", so for 30 days you write about each of these topics, and i'm excited to do it! it'll be very interesting to learn about myself. so here we go!

day one: thing that i hate about myself

i hate that i rarely stick to my guns.
examples:
1) tonight i'm going to bed at 10:30!! i mean it this time!... 11 o'clock, 12 o'clock, 1 o'clock... well shoot, guess i should go to bed now.
2) i'm going to read my scriptures EVERY morning and EVERY night. well i can't i have work... it's too early... i'm too tired... it'll be ok if i miss this one time... i'll read double later...
3) i will not make out with joel tonight- ok we can kiss a little... a minute isn't so bad... 5 minutes, not a big deal... ok just 100 more kisses...
4) i'm going to write my paper DAYS before its due. or i can just stay up for hours and hours the night before...
5) i'm not going to spend a lot of money today... but i NEED this... but i'm hungry... but this will last me for such a long time! i donate plasma so it'll be fine...
6) i'm not going to eat so much today, because i'm gaining weight. oh but i've been walking around a lot...but i haven't eaten out at all, today... but i don't have time to eat later...
7) i'm going to clean my room today! but i can just shove it in the corner and you can't hardly tell its there...
8) i'm going to clean my car today! inside and out... but that requires me spending money... but i'm not supposed to be spending money... i'll clean it out some other time... at least sometime before winter...

anyways... you get the picture. i hate that i can't seem to follow through... i guess its a self control thing... i just suck at times and it really frustrates me, but i suppose its just an awful habit of mine. i procrastinate. WAY too much.

surprises

i am constantly getting surprised these days...

~*~ the relief society presidency was released on sunday. it really was a shock to me! i went to the presidency meeting at 10:30 like i did every sunday, and Norma asked if the bishopric had gotten a hold of us during the week, and kass and i just looked at each other... "Noo..." So norma was just like "Oh well, we're getting released today." WHAT?! i really really was not expecting this... and i'll honestly say that i'm sad. really sad. i was really starting to get into it, i was really looking forward to the next few months, but i suppose Norma had been a president for a little over a year, so they released her, and the counselors with her. I tried really hard to not cry when i found out. i don't know what i'm going to do... i loved that calling. i loved it so much.

~*~ great grandpa wood passed away. it was a little unexpected that he would have such complications, but once he was a vegetable we knew it was time to let him go. now he can be with grandma nella, and grandpa wood, so i'm sure he's happier. we had his funeral on monday down in cedar city. so we took a waaayy long family road trip. but it was a lot of fun, i mean its horrible to say i feel, but i had a lovely time with my family, even if it was at a funeral.

~*~ miss kelli floyd is ENGAGED! yep yep. she said yes on monday night this week after her and hector went to california. i was waiting for this, i mean i knew it was imminent, it just still is crazy to think about her and hector really tying the knot... after all of our plotting and daydreaming... haha. the big day is supposed to be december 18 somewhere in southern california.

~*~ lil sis has a boyfren. his name is juel. haha. we think its funny- Juel and Joel. yeah yeah, i guess me and her are more alike than we care to admit sometimes ;) haha.

~*~ i brought Joel to a family dinner on sunday after church, he was sweet enough that he came to my church because i was teaching a lesson, and also had a talk, and this was after his church even, so he went to 6 hours! he's such a good boyfriend :) and so i brought him to my house for a dinner. aunt jen was there, grandma, all my sisters, and my parents. the dinner was fantastic (so much better than what i had planned for me and him to eat) and the conversation was just so... my family. haha. we were utterly ridiculous! i love my family so much, i love our dinners so much! we just laugh, and sing, and tell stories, and talk about spiritual stuff, and laugh some more, we tease, we just have the best memories there. i miss dinner with my family. they are so wonderful :) Joel did fantastically despite how crazy everything was. he said he had a great time, that he was inwardly laughing at the chaos, and thanked me for inviting him to come along. my family likes him. a lot. steff even said she has never liked any of the guys i've liked before, but she does like Joel. which is definitely something i can live with :)

~*~ i realized that i think i love Joel. i realized this when he was sitting with me at the Scera Theatres' version of Hairspray. he hated being there. haha. musicals are SO not his cup of tea. he was just, enduring it. but he was just so cute. he was willing to sit through 3 hours of something he doesn't like just because i had asked him to. i don't know exactly why i realized it precisely, i knew that when i looked over at him and he had a look of such un-interest, i just said in my head "I love him."

~*~ one of my closest dearest and most loved friends has decided to not believe in the gospel anymore. this hurts my heart more than anything. she says she questions it all. she says there are so many holes. she posted something incredibly sacred online for people to just read, i didn't read it, i don't want to know, all i know is what she posted is sacred, and i don't know why i feel like i do, i don't know why i feel so hurt because of that because i don't even understand the magnitude of it all, but i just know that my heart hurts for her. hurts for her insensitivity. and i just don't understand... she used to believe. i know she did. and yeah maybe part of it was that we were young, but that doesn't mean it wasn't true. these things used to be sacred to her... and i just don't know. i think life has made her heart a little hard. and i cried when i found this all out. i just love her so much... and i just don't know what to do... what to say... i don't want to do anything stupid and say something that would hurt her feelings or push her further away from the church... but i just worry. and i care so much for her... and i just want her to be happy. and i know that she isn't right now. i suppose that is what i really want more than anything... i want her to be truly happy. so if this is what makes her happy, even though i know it really won't in the long run, i suppose i don't want to try to stop her.

~*~ this is a silly one: the 30 Seconds to Mars singer swore at me at his concert on Saturday. haha.

shorties

(just fyi, i started this one a reallll long time ago, but never finished it. i wrote this September 16th and am now just posting it)

soooo... i have a boyfriend again :) this is happy news i do believe. his name is Joel Russell Anderson (note the ON and not EN, it symbolizes eternalness or oneness with God or something something... one time he ranted about how the way his name is spelled is the better way, and it was just funny. haha) ANYWAYS, sidetrack! so me and Joel have been official for about a week now, but we pretty much have been dating ever since we met, which was July 10th. huh... i think its kinda weird i know that... but oh well. so we made things official on September 10th. So we have been dating for about two months. and guess how long he has been off his mission? THREE months. sooo... yeah! you be the judge. this is a little fast. however if he had had his way we would have been made official a loooonng time ago. which probably would have made his parents even more upset. oh yeah, they definitely do not support Joel dating me. mostly because they don't want Joel to get married yet, and they think i'm a player :-/ which is frustrating, because i'm not. and they only think that because i didn't want to get in a relationship because i wanted him to get to know other people and especially other girls and stuff. i just can't win. sigh. but oh wells. soo about me and joel. we are two shorties. haha. we are the same height (my hair is bigger sometimes though). we get along really well, most of the time anyways. haha. he has a really jealous side to him which i don't love, but in its own way its kinda cute. he makes me smile. A LOT : D

mannequin

i feel like a mannequin.
full face
full smile
full figure
but sometimes i feel devoid of feeling.

always a flirt
with an impish grin
stringing along
knowing what to say
knowing how to act
and making them stay
but keeping my heart intact.

i have my ears open
always listening to others
their joys
their pains
their lives
but my mouth stays closed.
i rarely share mine.

one-way connections.
i feel as though i am there for others
the mannequin they can talk to.
but the one who doesn't talk back.
i listen well.
too well?

i don't like to share.
i'd rather smile and nod.
in my perfect mannequin way.
but that can't be how it should work.
why won't i let people in?
why do i chose to be distant?

wardies

this is just a short post, nothing huge to say. only that my life is wonderful and beautiful and that i love my ward in a way that i never thought i would. i never thought that such a diverse group of people could feel like home to me. but thats what it is, that is the feeling i get when i am with them. they have become my family here. yes i still have and love my family, but these are the people that i go to to help me out, to listen to me, and i listen to them, to just hang out with, to share with, to serve with, to learn and grow with. they are my support. they make my life full and joyous. and its strange to me to think that something that i was so un-involved with a year ago, has become what my life revolves around. i love it. i love these people.

age is a number

age is such a funny thing.

once upon a time, i was very intimidated by people older than me. i wasn't intimidated by people like the same age as my parents, but by people who were only a few years older than me. i used to think "why are they talking to me?! i'm so much younger than them, this is so awkward!" then eventually people only a year or two older than me didn't seem so intimidating. but then i came to college, and i was fine with people close to my age i was comfortable with, but i met other people who were like 26, i still felt awkward, like they shouldn't be wanting hanging out with me. then i met "the guys" the ones i did crazy adventures with at the beginning of the summer, and they were 25, and it made me realize that age didn't matter.

so this is something i have finally been able to get over. age just doesn't matter to me anymore. i mean, maturity cannot be measured in years i think, just in experiences. so this summer i have been mixing and mingling with the people that i fit in best with, maturity wise and all that jazz, and it usually means i'm hanging out with people much older than me.

but i don't even care anymore! i love the people i hang out with! they make me feel good about myself, my values, people around me, and the things we do. these are the kind of people i want to be around. they are the ones that make me happiest! i mean, i have several groups of people that i hang out with, and the people that i have been hanging out with most recently have made me realize the kind of people i prefer to be around, because although the spirit is not like "with us" when we are playing rock band, or making crazy brownies or whatever, i feel as though, it could be there. i just always have a good feeling when i'm with them. and i don't understand why people wouldn't want to feel this way, i don't know how i ever had a good time without this undeniable happiness that i just feel is bursting from within me!

honestly truly, i don't know how life could be any better for me... it almost makes me a little apprehensive about the future, because life is just SO wonderful! it's almost too good to be true, and there has got to be a crash coming around the corner. but for now, i will just continue to be thoroughly content with life :)

fwends

hello friends, it has been a million years since i've last posted anything. for this i do have an excuse! i have been very much away from a computer these days since my daddy has gotten in the habit of stealing mine. and i have been very much ok with it lately actually! surprisingly, since at first i was like "oh my gosh, no computer?! what am i going to do?! i have nothing here to help me waste hours and hours of time!!" but now i am like, oh hey i was wasting my life away doing absolutely nothing of importance. SO, the only reason why i am even on a computer now is because i am stuck at UVU waiting for an appointment with an advisor lady to get me off of probation. Yeahhhh, ok so lets get that out of the way, I'm on academic probation.  BUT, it's all good! I did the workshop, i met with my major advisor, i figured out the classes i'm gonna take next semester, so i should be good to go, and i should still be able to even make it into the nursing program, as long as i can pull off an A in my math class. yaaayyy math lab is all i'm gonna say

oh and to add to the theme of "probation" i am currently on probation because of two exceeding speeding tickets too. haha, yeaahhhh. i met with a points officer guy at the DMV yesterday for a hearing, and compared to my first experience in a "hearing" format, it was much nicer, and much less intimidating. i got to sit behind a desk, instead of at a stand in front of an angry looking judge and a bailiff in the corner... yeah. much nicer this time. so now i only have to be a really super extra careful good driver for the next 2 years... no big deal... this is definitely going to make me need to wake up earlier in the morning so i don't speed off to work.

ahhhh, life. so i think i can pretty much define my life lately in one word: FRIENDS. so since i live by myself all aloney-on-my-owney i have had to make friends with other people and apartments so i'm not alone all the time. this has made my summer AMAZING. i will not lie. I have SOOO lucked out in being able to make lots of friends, and i'm not even sure why, but somehow it has happened and i have been having the time of my life! i think the best part for me is that they are all different mixes of people, i can just blend in so many groups in my ward, and i just LOVE it. so if i don't like what one group is doing, i can see what the other groups are up to, and its just been uber nice. There's my work friends, who i love dearly! seriously, i love going to work just to see them. it feels like we're just hanging out sometimes, the way we get to talkin. its so much fun! i went to my first bridal shower for one of my friends, and i'll be going to her reception on saturday too. Then there's the guys of D318, which are Jake, Evan, Chris, and Matt. they are a good time, you can often find me with them playing volleyball, blowing fire, or something else ridiculous. Then there's my Kelli, Cami, and Markel friends. they are a little bit rougher edged, but i love them! we spend wayyy too much time just hanging outside of the pool, throwing snaps out their window onto poor pool-goers, and planning Kelli's wedding to her latin lover Hector. Ok so maybe not the wedding thing... YET. its gonna happen though, we all know it. Then there's my Brookie! I love her, and i'm now getting to love her roommate Cami too! We've been spending a lotta time together, since we are fellowshipping buddies, and we just think we are funny. tee hee. Cami and i are going on double date tomorrow to seven peaks with our wyoming boys too! it should be a good time. I'm excited! (though i think i need to buy a new swimsuit that doesn't slide around so much, i almost had a couple of bad experiences last night playing water no-rules basketball with the guys) Then i have a couple of guys i've been getting to know, and most of them are not in a romantic way, but we spend a lot of time together.

Ruben: he's a friend of Alexa's from Dixie, but he moved up here. he's a pretty chill guy, we've been hanging out a lot, especially because i drag him to ward activities and such so he can get to know people. he's a gangsta (self-proclaimed of course) and he's into graphic design, which is way cool! he's even let me play with his photoshop stuff, and its awesome! he has a drawing pad, which i have always wanted.

Kyle: or Special K, or Junior. he goes by all of them. now he... he... he is a very interesting child. haha. to say the least. to be perfectly honest, i don't really understand him.. .at all. haha. i never really know what he's talking about, he's very strange, he says awkward things, and comes up with crazy hypothetical situations he wants to work out with you. he is hilarious though, and he's very sweet. he has taken me out to dinner a few times, but they're not dates, they're just him wanting to spend time with people, he does it a lot. and hey i'm not gonna complain, free food is free food.

Joel: ok, now i just met him... not even a week ago. haha. BUT, he's a really sweet guy, and we have been talking A LOT. like A LOT A LOT. so we met last saturday when mutual friends came to Lagoon, and he's a shorty boy, but he's a cutie :) we flirted a lot, and we had a good time, and we kinda cuddled by the end of the night. so then sunday night, we talked for two hours. then monday night, two and a half. tuesday, three. wednesday, two. and thursday, only like 1, only because i was doing things with fun people. he's coming down tonight though, and we're gonna do dinner and a movie, and then he's staying the night and tomorrow we're doing the seven peaks thing, and then the wedding reception. it should be fun, i'm excited!

ok, now i have to go meet with my advisor, so au revoir until laters!