fwends

hello friends, it has been a million years since i've last posted anything. for this i do have an excuse! i have been very much away from a computer these days since my daddy has gotten in the habit of stealing mine. and i have been very much ok with it lately actually! surprisingly, since at first i was like "oh my gosh, no computer?! what am i going to do?! i have nothing here to help me waste hours and hours of time!!" but now i am like, oh hey i was wasting my life away doing absolutely nothing of importance. SO, the only reason why i am even on a computer now is because i am stuck at UVU waiting for an appointment with an advisor lady to get me off of probation. Yeahhhh, ok so lets get that out of the way, I'm on academic probation.  BUT, it's all good! I did the workshop, i met with my major advisor, i figured out the classes i'm gonna take next semester, so i should be good to go, and i should still be able to even make it into the nursing program, as long as i can pull off an A in my math class. yaaayyy math lab is all i'm gonna say

oh and to add to the theme of "probation" i am currently on probation because of two exceeding speeding tickets too. haha, yeaahhhh. i met with a points officer guy at the DMV yesterday for a hearing, and compared to my first experience in a "hearing" format, it was much nicer, and much less intimidating. i got to sit behind a desk, instead of at a stand in front of an angry looking judge and a bailiff in the corner... yeah. much nicer this time. so now i only have to be a really super extra careful good driver for the next 2 years... no big deal... this is definitely going to make me need to wake up earlier in the morning so i don't speed off to work.

ahhhh, life. so i think i can pretty much define my life lately in one word: FRIENDS. so since i live by myself all aloney-on-my-owney i have had to make friends with other people and apartments so i'm not alone all the time. this has made my summer AMAZING. i will not lie. I have SOOO lucked out in being able to make lots of friends, and i'm not even sure why, but somehow it has happened and i have been having the time of my life! i think the best part for me is that they are all different mixes of people, i can just blend in so many groups in my ward, and i just LOVE it. so if i don't like what one group is doing, i can see what the other groups are up to, and its just been uber nice. There's my work friends, who i love dearly! seriously, i love going to work just to see them. it feels like we're just hanging out sometimes, the way we get to talkin. its so much fun! i went to my first bridal shower for one of my friends, and i'll be going to her reception on saturday too. Then there's the guys of D318, which are Jake, Evan, Chris, and Matt. they are a good time, you can often find me with them playing volleyball, blowing fire, or something else ridiculous. Then there's my Kelli, Cami, and Markel friends. they are a little bit rougher edged, but i love them! we spend wayyy too much time just hanging outside of the pool, throwing snaps out their window onto poor pool-goers, and planning Kelli's wedding to her latin lover Hector. Ok so maybe not the wedding thing... YET. its gonna happen though, we all know it. Then there's my Brookie! I love her, and i'm now getting to love her roommate Cami too! We've been spending a lotta time together, since we are fellowshipping buddies, and we just think we are funny. tee hee. Cami and i are going on double date tomorrow to seven peaks with our wyoming boys too! it should be a good time. I'm excited! (though i think i need to buy a new swimsuit that doesn't slide around so much, i almost had a couple of bad experiences last night playing water no-rules basketball with the guys) Then i have a couple of guys i've been getting to know, and most of them are not in a romantic way, but we spend a lot of time together.

Ruben: he's a friend of Alexa's from Dixie, but he moved up here. he's a pretty chill guy, we've been hanging out a lot, especially because i drag him to ward activities and such so he can get to know people. he's a gangsta (self-proclaimed of course) and he's into graphic design, which is way cool! he's even let me play with his photoshop stuff, and its awesome! he has a drawing pad, which i have always wanted.

Kyle: or Special K, or Junior. he goes by all of them. now he... he... he is a very interesting child. haha. to say the least. to be perfectly honest, i don't really understand him.. .at all. haha. i never really know what he's talking about, he's very strange, he says awkward things, and comes up with crazy hypothetical situations he wants to work out with you. he is hilarious though, and he's very sweet. he has taken me out to dinner a few times, but they're not dates, they're just him wanting to spend time with people, he does it a lot. and hey i'm not gonna complain, free food is free food.

Joel: ok, now i just met him... not even a week ago. haha. BUT, he's a really sweet guy, and we have been talking A LOT. like A LOT A LOT. so we met last saturday when mutual friends came to Lagoon, and he's a shorty boy, but he's a cutie :) we flirted a lot, and we had a good time, and we kinda cuddled by the end of the night. so then sunday night, we talked for two hours. then monday night, two and a half. tuesday, three. wednesday, two. and thursday, only like 1, only because i was doing things with fun people. he's coming down tonight though, and we're gonna do dinner and a movie, and then he's staying the night and tomorrow we're doing the seven peaks thing, and then the wedding reception. it should be fun, i'm excited!

ok, now i have to go meet with my advisor, so au revoir until laters!

you're my girl

today, i was once again touched by seeing what true love looks like.

we had a relief society breakfast meeting this morning at the Spencer's house. we sat and discussed the women, who we need to visit, when we're going to make our visiting teaching lists, who's teaching what lesson when, etc. etc. anyhow, we finished with our meeting, and then we proceeded to eat the very "low fat and low cal" breakfast Bro Spencer made us (he used low fat cheese, bacon, sausage... haha yeah. so its not at all low fat or low cal) but at any rate, it was delicious and unfortunately we didn't eat enough of it says Bro Spencer, even though we were all stuffed. we then went back to the living room where Norma, my R.S. president had some thoughts she wanted to share with us. she shared with us a portion of the talk by Jeffrey R. Holland from this last general conference. its entitled "Place No More for the Enemy of My Soul". I remembered hearing bits and pieces of this talk way back in April, but i won't deny, i'm pretty sure i was asleep for most of this one. which is really too bad, because i thoroughly enjoyed this talk, and it truly touched my heart today. This is the portion that really got me:

"Why is lust such a deadly sin? Well, in addition to the completely Spirit-destroying impact it has upon our souls, I think it is a sin because it defiles the highest and holiest relationship God gives us in mortality—the love that a man and a woman have for each other and the desire that couple has to bring children into a family intended to be forever. Someone said once that true love must include the idea of permanence. True love endures. But lust changes as quickly as it can turn a pornographic page or glance at yet another potential object for gratification walking by, male or female. True love we are absolutely giddy about—as I am about Sister Holland; we shout it from the housetops. But lust is characterized by shame and stealth and is almost pathologically clandestine—the later and darker the hour the better, with a double-bolted door just in case. Love makes us instinctively reach out to God and other people. Lust, on the other hand, is anything but godly and celebrates self-indulgence. Love comes with open hands and open heart; lust comes with only an open appetite."

(For the whole talk see the May 2010 Ensign or this link: http://www.lds.org/conference/talk/display/0,5232,23-1-1207-16,00.html)

this just really spoke to me. it re-affirmed my suspiscions that i truly have not fully known love. maybe for a little while i did, but for the most part, i have been operating in lust. this, is not how i want to live my life. this is not how i want to date. i don't want to be full of lust, i want to be full of love. but this lust thing, its like an addiction to me, i feel as though i'm addicted to lust.

i like kissing. this i won't deny. i think its a very fun thing to do, and i thoroughly enjoy it. however, most of the time, my kissing doesn't mean anything. its just, something to do. but i don't want that anymore. i've had my share of NCMO's, friends with benefits and whatever whatever, and i'm through. i want it to mean something! i want to get that swoopy sensation in my tummy when i finally kiss a guy that i have a crush on! thats only happened to me once, and maybe twice... and its magical :) that i feel is like what love should be like. i should be able to think back on being with that someone, and get a big goofy grin on my face because i like them so much and they make me so unbelievably happy. so i suppose i'm making a new bar for myself- i will only kiss guys that i have true feelings for. i will be kissing for commitment, not recreation. because that is what i really want, not a guy just looking for a hook up, but someone who is truly interested in me and wants to get to know me and spend time with me, and not just my mouth. i want a guy who will respect me, take me out on a date, pay for my things, open my door, prove to me that chivalry is not dead.

anyways, that is what i decided after hearing that little tid bit of talk, but then just a few moments later Brother Spencer said something that just totally reaffirmed everything in my mind. we were discussing how lust can take many different forms, and Norma was saying that for her she is lustful when it comes to shopping. This, is one of Sister Spencer's favorite things in the whole wide world. She loves shoe shopping. so Brother Spencer was kind of teasing her about how she once bought like $500 dollars worth of shoes online. She was going on about how he couldn't be mad, he was the one who gave her the credit card! She said "You gave it to me!" to which Brother Spencer said, with so much love as he looked at her with his kind eyes, "Of course I did. You're my girl." This simple statement, while looking at Brother Spencer look at his wife, nearly brought me to tears. He loves her so much. So so much. Sister Spencer suffers from strokes, she's had a couple of really bad ones in her past which altered her brain and personality, which make her sometimes difficult to understand when she talks and she is very energetic, often overly energetic, she doesn't really have a soft level, unless she's praying, she's usually very loud and is just very excited to say what she needs to say all the time. I would have such a hard time dealing with someone like that all the time, but Brother Spencer is such an example of patience that it is truly humbling. he is miraculous.

maybe this is weird to say, but he really is the kind of man that i want to marry. he is the most incredible person. he has this amazing capability to make you feel like you are special, and that he loves you more than everyone else, even when you know he loves everyone just the same. he still will make you feel like he is especially interested in you and what you are doing. i feel like he is the dad of the ward. he loves everyone, wants to say hello to everyone, wants to make everyone feel welcome, and wants everyone to join and be involved in the "true and living ward." and i want to marry someone who has the spirit that Brother Spencer brings to this ward, and as odd as it sounds, he really will be a man that i will compare my future spouse against. i am so blessed to have him in my life.

Brother Spencer and Bishop Kokkola. Two of my very favorite leaders, ever.

temple

i went to the temple yesterday. i meant to blog about it then, but i wanted to write a lot about it, and didn't leave myself a whole lot of time to do it before i had to get to bed before work, so i will admit i put it off til today.

anyhow, let us begin. i went to the Provo temple for the first time in three years, on June 10th, 2010, with my mommy. wow. three years? how terribly awful that number sounds to me. that is such an awful long time. i think the worst part is that i chose to keep it that long, just through my actions... hindsight is always 20/20 isn't it?

so walking up to the temple was quite nerve wracking. i was walking with my mamacita, and the whole time i felt like my heart was going to beat out of my chest. i honestly couldn't believe that it was really happening. i was really going to the temple. i was really going inside this time. not just to sit on the grounds, gazing longingly, but INSIDE. it was just so... surreal. for so long i couldn't go, and then all of a sudden, i could. and i felt very nervous. very very nervous. and anxious.

so we walked in, me and mom, and i felt so... lost. haha, i hadn't been in so long, and i had forgotten everything that i was supposed to do. where to go get to the baptistry, what size jumper i was supposed to wear, where i was supposed to get dressed, etc etc. thank goodness for such sweet ladies that work in the temple who took pity on me and were able to help me out. once i had the clothes i needed, i walked into an open stall, and i just kind of broke down and cried. i honestly couldn't believe how good it felt to just be in the temple. i was just so touched by the spirit of the place, and i swore to myself, that i would never do anything that would keep me from being able to go there again. and i will keep this promise, i honestly cannot believe it's taken me so long to get here.

so i got dressed, and then since i had some family names that my grandma had found for me, i sat in the pews waiting to go into the font. my mom came and sat by me. she was so happy for me, she was just beside herself the entire time we were there, she has been waiting for this moment for so long. it was like i was the prodigal son. i could just see in her eyes how so relieved she was that i was finally coming back to her. it reminded me of a poem i had read earlier that day in the Ensign. it went like this:

The Prodigal

By Ronald Peterson

I lift my head unto the Lord and cry,

"My son has strayed from Thee!"

My thoughts resound,

"I teach and love and pray,

Yet he will not respond.

Leave me not to fight alone.

I love him so."

I cry at his and my infirmity.

i search Thy word for help to guide,

And with the Holy Spirit's aid,

Reach out to find my prodigal.

And, lo, in voice to touch my soul,

I hear God's word.

"He's your son! He's My son!"

His will must be his own.

My love's not less than thine.

I tenderly entrust him to your care.

Love him, lead him, and endure.

If he will come at length,

'Twill be through thee and Me.

"He's your son! He's My son!

Together find our victory!"

I like to think that i've returned, that finally my mom can have her victory, that all her prayers and guidance have not been in vain. and this poem really just speaks to me, because when i see how happy my mom is, it gives me a tiny glimpse of what Heavenly Father must be feeling, and it makes me happy to have done that for them.

i had a great spiritual experience there in the temple. i feel as though i really drew closer to God. i feel like i really connected. there were many tears shed. there were many comforting words from my mom. there were many tender hugs. it was just overwhelmingly peaceful and marvelous.i'm so glad to have had that opportunity. i only hope that i can have many more. i'm planning on making this a weekly thing, and i'm hoping it will bring me more chances to hearken to the Spirit, and have it help guide me in helping the ladies in my ward. i just want to be able to serve them to the best of my ability. i prayed for help in my calling a lot. I feel like i have such responsibility, and i feel like i can do so much better. so hopefully, this will be a great tool for me. because i still feel so inadequete, and i can use all the help i can get.

run away

so there have been times in my life where i've wanted to run away. when i was really little i would run out of the house, being very angry, and run to the end of the street, and go and sit at the pocket park. oh the pocket park, it wasn't even fun. it was a little patch of grass with a few baby trees and a sandpit. nothing special, but it was where i would run to, because there was nowhere else for me to go. so i would stay and sit in the sand, and think and vent, for what felt like ages, and be back in my own home safe and sound within 45 minutes, an hour tops.

when i was 16 i ran away for a few hours. things at home had gotten out of my control, they knew things i didn't want them to know, and i felt like i couldn't face them anymore. i was going to run away to logan and stay with alexa, but i had to find somewhere to stay for the night at least. so i ran to my friend jackies house, and she was hiding me quite well for a while, until alexa told my parents where i was, and my dad came to pick me up. so it wasn't very successful, but it definitely was an adventure.

i think that its very normal for just about anyone to go through a phase where this is somewhat appealing to them. but the thing is that now i'm a little bit older and wiser, and running away doesn't quite appeal to me like it once did. because, well let's face it, running away doesn't solve anything really. it only prolongs what is inevitable.

my friend, hasn't outgrown this phase. he quite literally wants to run away from pretty much everything. he told me that within the next month he wants to slip away in the night and take only the clothes on his back, his ipod, a book with phone numbers in it, and his scriptures and then see how far he can go. he thinks he can make it to the east coast. i think the idea is just about as ridiculous as he is.

but he also is wanting to run away from... well me. well not just me, just something like the idea of me. he says that he suffers from "heartbreak's disease." he suffered a major blow to the heart last year, and since then he's put up walls from getting emotionally close to people, in order to keep him from getting hurt. and he says that if he meets someone who has the potential to get close to him, he runs away. he said he should have run away from the last girl, but he didn't, and it screwed him over. so thats what he told me on sunday morning. he told me that he was going to run away from me. i told him that i think its sad the way he lives his life, always running away from everything. it seems childish. and maybe i'm just niave, or maybe i haven't had my heart broken like him, but i don't think he should run, not for my sake, but for his.

so this is my question: is it truly better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all? because frankly i'm young enough and silly enough and niave enough to think that falling in love and getting hurt is worth it, because its all part of life! each relationship, each person you meet has an impact on your life, and it makes you who you are! i know i'm too trusting, i know i let people get too close to me too fast, but this is how i live my life, and i wouldn't change it at all.

redeemed

"Redeemed"
 by Charlotte Martin

Every tree has got her root and every girl forbidden fruit
As well as demons...
And the path I chose to go, a different girl so long ago,
Well I had my reasons..
And she's in my head so loud and screaming
“Should you be proud of what you came from”?
“You've been crippled and you've walked and you've been shut up
and you've talked so let's talk some more”..

Where is the hand for me to reach?
Where is the moral I'll never teach myself?
In all the black, in all the grief, I am redeemed

And it's ripping at my heart cause I've been dodging all these darts
And on a slow train
And I wear it till it tatters and it shatters on the floor
In instant replay
Well we're all rotten and we're pure and we're just looking for a cure that feels like spring snow
And what we have is what we are and where we've been got us this far so let me go…

Where is the hand for me to reach?
Where is the moral I'll never teach myself?
In all the black, in all the grief, I am redeemed

Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
Yah yah yah yah yah yah yah yah yah yah
Oh ho oh ho oh ho...

Where is the hand for me to reach?
Where is the moral I'll never teach myself?
In all the black, in all the grief, through all the pain
And unbelief- these are the words that they all scream..
I am redeemed

it rains

"Everytime it Rains"
by Charlotte Martin

Every time it rains I listen to the sky
And wonder what's so great about sunshine
Everybody lives and everybody dies
And no one's gonna love you like I do

When it was getting dark
I didn't need a match
I never needed light to see you
You thought I disappeared
But I was always here
I could never get that far from you

Though I misunderstand
And been misunderstood
So love me 'cause you can
And not because you should

Every time it rains
I know it's good to be alive
Every time it rains
I know I'm trying to survive

Take it as it comes
And take me as I am
I never was a good imposter
But I know how to dream
And don't know where I stand
I'm willing to admit I try too hard
Stop playing with my heart

I'm waiting by the phone
Afraid to be myself
Afraid to be alone

Every time it rains
I know it's good to be alive
Every time it rains
I know I'm trying to survive
And every time it rains
I'm gonna hide myself inside

I know it's good to be alive
I know it's good to be alive
I know it's good to be alive

Every time it rains
I know it's good to be alive
Every time it rains
I know I'm trying to survive

veins

"Veins"
By Charlotte Martin

I know you know
Let the life come back and force through my veins
It goes, it goes
Through the protons, neutrons, securing the frame
Say yes, say no
It's a matter of me forcing the praise
Put on the new
Woman, man, and child who are breaking the braces

The catacombs
And revolving doors inside of my brain
Preachers and whores
And neon pulpits burst into flames
I come from both sides
of me and either side of their tracks
Humbling my ghosts
Letting life that floods my veins bring me back

And the unshackling of the chains on my wrists
And the loyalty to pain that resists
And the greatest books are talking about this
Why must everybody die to exist?

Hello my love
Seeking passages and food for your soul
On 95
Look ahead cause they're not filling that hole yet
Come lay your hands
Over mine and it will make us both brave
Braver to know
Let the light, the life force back in our veins

The unshackling of the chains on my wrists
And the loyalty to pain that resists
And the greatest books are talking about this
Why must everybody die to exist?

Are you ready for the power of god?
Are you waiting for the saints to all nod?
At the girl who should be raised from the dead?
At the demons who've been forced from my head?

Hey
Oh hallelujah
Oh hallelujah
Oh hallelujah I've come undone
Oh hallelujah
Oh hallelujah
Oh hallelujah I've come undone

The unshackling of the chains on my wrists
The loyalty to pain that resists
And the greatest books are talking about this
Why must everybody die to exist?

Are you ready for the power of god?
Are you waiting for the saints to all nod?
At the girl who should be raised from the dead?
At the demons who've been forced from my head?