hmmm... nothing

it's 9:30 on a monday night and i have nothing to do. nothing. no homework. nothing is due. and i'm bored and well, i haven't been blogging much. so here goes- a little bit of blogging. and i'm just going to write whatever it is that i feel like. ha. ha. ha. because i can. here goes!

~ i don't think i'm a very good blogger. i'm not very profound. i usually just ramble and talk about silly things... but then when i look at other peoples blogs and they do just about the same things, i think its absolutely amazing! so perhaps i judge myself too harshly.

~ i may not be the hottest girl in the world, but i seem to be attracting a fair amount of attention from persons of the opposite sex. i am not sure how i feel about this, considering the fact that i do not want to pursue anything of the romantic type sort for a considerable amount of time. i guess i can say, i'm flattered, and i want the attention, but i don't at the same time. i want them to leave me alone, so i can completely focus on myself actually. i am going through quite the selfish phase here. i want to take care of me... before i worry about taking care of someone else.

~ i really hard core cleaned my apartment today. i cleaned my room quite thoroughly, getting rid of all the clutter on my desk so now i can actually use it. i picked up and folded and hung up all of the clothes that were on my floor. put all my shoes in their cubbies. dusted my desk and chair. i cleaned the sink in the kitchen and bathroom. the mirror. the toilet (not cassidy's toilet though. it is disgustingly clogged, and for some hairbrained reason she isn't getting it fixed. so it sits there. with the sewage just chillin in the pot. its been like that for DAYS. ew. gross. all i'm going to say) the bathtub. the counters in the kitchen. the dining table. the tv. the entertainment center. the baseboards. the pile of my things beside the couch. just everything pretty much. i didn't get around to actually cleaning the floor in the kitchen though. that will be a task for tomorrow i'm thinking. because it is sticky. and icky. and yeah you get the picture.

~ i want to travel. i really really want to travel. i want to go to italy! i want to go to europe! i want to go to uruguay! venezuela! costa rica! the bahamas! anywhere on this earth of ours, i want to go. i want to see! i want to go on an insane trip with friends from college (which friends... that is to be determined when i actually have some good ones... :/ ) at any rate, i want to go on a road trip. i want to go on an insane camping adventure! i just want to do something! anything! maybe something this summer... we'll see.

~ i really really really really REALLY want to redecorate my apartment. i want to buy some curtains, and pictures! and lamps, and rugs and cute things to put in my kitchen where i can store my cooking stuff. and cute dishes. and silverware. and a table cloth. and a new tv. and a full length mirror. and cuter hanging lights. and quote sticker things to put on my walls. and pretty much everything in the world. but i really want to make this place feel like its MINE. and i just think that decorating it to my liking would make it feel more like home. maybe i'll have steff help me out. she has such a great eye for fashion and cute home decor type stuff. OH MAN! i just realized that cassidy is going to take all the comfy pillows from the apartment too! DANG! i'll have to get throw pillows too. ah. this is goin to cost a fortune. but oh wells. i think it'll be worth it :)

~ i am obsessed with a silly ridiculous total time-wasting game. its called plants vs. zombies and i pretty much play it ALL the time. i really need to put a time limit on how much i play- because if i'm not careful, i could spend hours. basically, you plant plants like a peashooter, or a cob-pult, or melon launcher, or a wall-nut, and you try to keep the zombies from getting to your house and eating your brains. it sounds SO dumb, and it IS dumb! but i can't get away from it! i love it so much. the zombies are silly, and i will end this segment with this statement- i hate the michael jackson zombie and all of his ridiculous back-up dancers.

~ i am starting to not love the show i watch anymore. gossip girl, a show that my roommates got me hooked on, is really starting to take a turn for the worst. at first, i liked it, then the right people were ending up with each other so i was so happy! and now they are all being stupid and breaking up and being liars and decievers. stupid stupid upper east side. sigh. chuck and blair broke up for good. the show is pretty much dead to me. except i have to find out why lily was at dr. van der woodsen's house... and i have to know whether that dumb lil jenny actually gets nate. because that would be sad sad sad. because i love nate. really. and not just because he is incredibly sexy, but because he's a sweet guy, although a little naive. oh wells. so despite not really wanting to... i will be tuning in next week. haha.

~ i want a new laptop. they have such gorgeous ones at best buy! (not to mention gorgeous guys too! i'm very quite serious. they have some very attractive salesmen. i think they do that on purpose) but chances are i will not get one. not for a while anyways. probably not until i can do financing to get one.

~ I HATE CREDIT. the end. i hate the fact that i have to have credit to do anything, but nobody is willing to give me the chance to get credit. and the fact that me applying to get credit cards has been hurting the credit I DON'T EVEN HAVE, really really iritates me. URGH. don't even get me started on a rant about it. it makes NO SENSE to me.

~ my apartment smells good for once in my life. it's because i bought febreeze noticables. they are fantastic. i want this place to smell this good allll the time :)

~ Wal-mart makes BANK off of me. i'm not even kidding. out of all the places i spend money- its the most. probably because i go there for everything. clothes. food. odds and ends. yeah... over just the past like 6 days, i've been there 4 times for whatever whatever. i really need to work on my spending. i need to not get side-tracked or buy a bunch of things NOT on my list. booo sales and my impulse to spend a bunch of money now that i have my tax refund!

~ it's raining outside. i can hear it pounding on the pavement and the little window pavillions they put over the doors so you don't get terribly wet. it was so nice and warm and lovely today... now its raining. its the reason why we didn't get to have our bonfire for FHE tonight. and i do like the rain a lot. but not so much when its cold. i like warm rain. it brings all kinds of memories flooding back to me. i love the smell of rain on warm concrete. and it makes me think of when me and steff used to build all kinds of forts in the backyard with our swingset and the plastic pool and the turtle sandbox so we could sit outside while it rained, and not get wet.  and when my family was at bear lake and we were out boating and had to come in because the rain quickly turned to hail and it was pelting us all the way back to the dock. rain always brings fun memories :)

"maw-rige is what bwings us hewr togethur today"

marriage. weddings. rings. proposals. engagements. wedding dresses. cakes. invitations. the ensign this month. friends getting engaged. finding out my friends are married. holy oh my goodness, i cannot seem to escape the all entangling things that relate to this special happy ceremony!!! its enough to drive me a little bit crazy! its like the world i live in is obsessed! maybe its always been like this down here, i just didn't really see it because it didn't really apply to my age group, but now, NOW i am seeing the obsession. Now i am seeing how people get bothered by it here in happy valley. ARHGGHGH. why is it that everyone has marriage on the brain? i mean, admittedly i do think about marriage, my future significant other, and all other things that teenage girls dream of, but with everyone else thinking about it too, it becomes a little bit much. i mean i talk about it at work, with one of my friends planning her wedding, i talk about it at school when i run into old friends who inform me that they are engaged, i talk about it with my roommates when we get sent a Utah Valley Bride magazine, i talk about it with guys when i say i'm not ready for marriage, i talk about it at church when they tell us to ready ourselves for marriage, i read about it in the ensign (April issue specifically deals with overcoming fear of marriage), and well frankly, i'm a bit overwhelmed. sigh. such is life living as a single fairly attractive young lady in "happy valley"

little potater

i miss alexa winn. yes yes i do. i think that just lately i have decided this. i miss my best friend. it sucks that we live so far away from each other. but i really have just been craving that carefree friendship we have. the it doesn't matter if we say something stupid to each other cuz we just laugh and blow it off and it doesn't matter what we say because the other person will understand, and i can be totally and completely honest with everything, because this girl knows my life story pretty much. every single itsy bitsy detail, the good the bad and the ugly. and i miss her. i recently saw her when my roommates and i went to california and stopped by to see her, just for a handful of minutes, and it just has started this ache for me :( and now after being more updated with her life (courtesy of her blog, which I LOVE just btw dahling) i miss her even more. i need a friend. i need my little potater.

"don't come in, i'm talking to my underwear!"

the above statement should pretty much explain the college shenanigans we have going on in my apartment. we are ridiculous, pretty much THE END. haha, but i love it. i wouldn't have things any other way.


anyways, it has been about 2 months since i last wrote a blog post. i cannot hardly believe it has been so long! in fact, i just realized it, today, when i was looking at a dear friends blog, and decided to see mine, and low and behold, january was the last time i had written. holy moly,i have been slacking. so... rather than bore you with a long drawn out paragraph- i will just make a few bullet points involving things that have happened over the past little while.


- my friend Jesus was baptized! and it was such a great spiritual experience for me :) me and Jesus have institute together at the same time, so we talk a lot on the bus. he's so serious all the time, and he keeps trying to get me to sign up with ROTC. haha, gotta love that army guy :) (oh plus i should mention, just cuz its funny, that i feel sacreligious putting "Jesus" in my phone, so he is in my phone as "Hey-zeus". haha)


- my roommate Whitney was taking the missionary discussions, and she was baptized too, and asked me to say a talk. i was SOOOOO nervous! but it was such a great opportunity for me! i loved it. the spirit was so strong :) it was fantastic. paul came, and matt played an AMAZING piano piece for it too. a great day, that Whitney was stressing over wayyyy too much, to the point that it was actually quite irritating. i mean, she's a very nice girl, but she was driving me NUTS. but it was a good day nonetheless :)


- i played a lot of ward basketball, and was one of the only girls to show up, which was fine by me, because there are some major hotties in our ward, and in the other wards we play too, so i was liking the ratio ;) we have the championship coming up though, so i certainly hope that we will be able to keep our 3rd place position.


- i was made the ward choir director! woo! plus i'm in the fellowshipping committee with the whole church magazine calling i was given. so i currently have 2 callings, involving 2 committees, so sometimes i am a very busy girl during the week with meetings and fellowshipping. but its lots of fun! and i love getting to know my ward better :)


- i turned 19!! woo hoo! my birthday was on super bowl sunday, and well, i'll be honest. not many people knew, or cared, because it was the super bowl. but eh, oh wells. my roommates Caits and Cass bought me a birthday cake, it was super chocolatey and it was really good :) then we kinda all split ways and went to our own super bowl parties. then paul came and brought me a present, and then he also took me out on a date for valentine's/my birthday and he bought me my favorite perfume :)

- i still love my job! i have got a freaking great schedule figured out, so i still get days off for school, but i also get as many days that i need to work as well.


- i have discovered that i am a MAJOR flirt. i have a serious problem i have decided. i love it! i think it is just a blast, however, it makes me appear a lot more interested in the guys than i actually am... which has gotten me several guys who like me a hecka lot more than i like them unfortunately. well at least romantically. i mean, i like them all, i think they are great guys, and i would like to be friends with all of them, BUT, they are into romance, since most of them are RM's. and i'm really not into that. i'm too young for marriage, and i don't want anything serious until then. and i don't want to hurt these guys.

- i am now taking the sacrament :) this is a really big deal to me. it has been far too long since i have taken it, and have felt worthy to take it. i'm really very happy to do be doing it and renewing my covenants. my bishop helped me a lot through my trials to get where i am now. and he has helped me see things in a different light, and i am so grateful to have him in my life. i know he is intune with the spirit because he is guiding me and is helping and aiding me exactly how i need him to be. i am so blessed. next month i am planning on getting my temple recommend, and then hopefully going on to get my patriarchial blessing.

- on that note i would just like to say that i adore my bishopric. the end. really really really truly, the thing i love best about my ward is my bishopric. Bishop Kokkola and Brother Spencer are like my dads over here across the highway. i love seeing them. and i always feel so safe and loved when they give me a big hug. not to mention i think both of them are the sweetest men on earth. they are so good to their wives, and are so loving and gentle. i would be so lucky to find a man like them. example: Sister Spencer had a stroke a few years ago so she isn't quite all there, but Brother Spencer is always so gentle and patient with her. he is so cute when he's with her. i love the Spencers. they invite me dinner over at their house on sundays quite often. they are both great cooks :)

- i don't know exactly what i'm doing for school anymore. i know i want to do nursing... this much i know. but, there are so many options out there! should i go on to do LPN? EMT? RN? or should i try to do military and have them pay for my schooling for nursing? because that still appeals to me. i still do want to serve my country, and the army/air force still keeps popping into my head. and there's the whole fact that working a lot and goin to school and having a social life is quite complex, and it would be great if i could eliminate working, and just completely focus on school.

- i adore, ADORE, my roommates. yes i do. i love them to death, but as of late they are really rather getting on my nerves. its just cuz they are soooo already best friends, like they do EVERYTHING together, and they invite me along, but i still feel like such a little tag along. it just really came into fruition in pictures we have taken recently. caits and cass will lean into one another, and then i'm just an addition on the side that nobody really cares about, well at least thats what it felt like to me. not to mention the two of them have dark eyes with dark hair, and i'm this bright eyed blonde curly haired girl that follows around. and they are very... well off. as in money is no object to them. they spend spend spend. and their parents buy everything, and they don't work and so they just play play play all the time. and don't really think about what it is that they're doing. its just impulse for them. plus they make plans all the time... right in front of me... eh. its silly. i do love them. don't get me wrong, but sometimes even though i'm with them, i'm still not. sadly i will not deny that i'm kind of excited for them to leave, and have the apartment to myself.

- and now i'm really tired. i need to get to bed, so i will come up with more things later. i love my life, don't get me wrong. i'm incredibly blessed :)

Rise

Rise
Get up
Reach out
For so long you have been bound.
Break free
Meet the morning light which rises in your soul
Out of the darkness, the abyss
the eternal captor of your heart.
Be gone, bring light
Dawn breaks, the shadows vanquished
Go to meet the rising sun
With open minds and open hearts
This is for you
Be born again
Take in the light
and rise.

avatar

haha. oh avatar. how you continue to entertain me. i quite love this show. i will not lie. i am such a nerd. haha. i love love love this show! this anime type cartoon dealing with the complex lives of my favorite characters. I love aang, katara, sakka, momo, aapa, uncle, toff, and zuko. I AM SUCH A NERD. really, its a cartoon. and i'm almost 19. i can't really even talk about it with most people because they don't even know about it. and the people that do know about it, and could talk with me about it, well actually, we're not talking right now. so i have to keep my nerdspeak to a minimum. haha. at least my family watches it with me. steff and i have been watching it allllllll day pretty much. we even recorded it. so we can watch it whenever we want. woo hoo!

so there's a movie out right now called avatar, and it has nothing to do with this show that i love so much. apparently its really good. people keep telling me that i should go see it, and at one point i was going to see it... i think. well a certain someone told me i should see it with him. but well... it never really worked out. sigh, i'm back in the dating game. and well... its weird. cuz well its not like i've really been in it long, but i just was with that one guy for so so long, or at least it feels like its been long. anyways, i hate this uncertaintity thing. i really do despise the whole "is he into me or not?" deal. i don't read him well. like one second he's saying "we should go to see this movie"or "i'll take you to see the lights" and "are we going to hang out anytime outside of work?" and then... nothing. doesn't call. text. nada. i just dunno. i don't like having to be the one to initiate things. but if i want anything to do with him, well, i have to. i don't know what that means either, dunno if he's even interested, despite what he says. sigh. oh wells.

goodnight.

strangers

i feel like a stranger in my own home.
sometimes i wish i didn't worry about family.
sometimes i wish i didn't want to come home.
maybe it would make things easier.
i just never feel like i'm doing it right.
i never feel like i'm ever enough.
that the things i do, the choices i have made,
will never let this house, with these people,
feel like home, where i am unconditionally welcomed.
i've hurt them too much.
its with caution they allow me to be here.
and yes it is christmas.
it is a time of love.
among family and friends.
but being here.
with them.
these people i love.
we are just acquaintances.
we don't know eachother.
not anymore.
i can't help but feel,
that i'm a burden.
i cause pain.
i am not who they want me to be.
so i should just go home.
but i am home.
so maybe i should just go
away.
it might be easier that way.