glue

You tell me all your troubles
the pain you try to hide
In your heart, your mind, your soul
you trap it deep inside

But concealment just is not enough
the mask you wear is breaking
I can see what lies beneath
to see that you are aching

You say you don't understand
why you die inside somedays
That the tapestry that is your life
is slowly being frayed

Your restless soul is fighting
against what is tearing you apart
And I want to be there for you
to hold your tender heart

Let me be your glue
I'll be there everyday
Let me stitch you back together
words of love and kindess are what I'll say

I'll always hold you close
in my heart or by the hand
I want to put you back together
help you be a stronger man

Your smile lights up my life
the way you grin from ear to ear
This world was not meant for sorrow
and there is no need for tears

My heart, it beats for you
and I just want you to be aware
And together we can do anything
this love of ours is rare

No Fear

It's funny how much things can change in such a short amount of time.
It's funny how I can start my summer with one plan in mind
and have it go totally opposite
but I don't mind.

It's funny that I don't have such pain anymore
It's funny that I remember what it's like to feel again
the pain I was so accustomed to
has finally left.

I'm still afraid though.
Scared for the future.
Of what it holds.
And who it hurts.

But one scripture helps a lot.
John 4:18
"There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear:
because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love"

Something to strive for. To remember always.
No fear. Just love.

I am no rock

I wish I could apply the lyrics of this song:

"Don't talk of love,
But I've heard the words before;
It's sleeping in my memory.
I won't disturb the slumber of feelings that have died.
If I never loved I never would have cried.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

Because a rock feels no pain.
And an island never cries"

I am no rock though.
And I do cry.
And that's all I have to say.

yessss

                                                                      I got the job!!

efy, here I come.

my adolescent dream is coming true.

I'm gonna be a counselor!

AH

so beyond words how excited I am.

updates on where and when- coming soon :)

conference thoughts

So it was general conference weekend, and it was, just in one word "Wow." I was incredibly impressed with this time. I don't know why it hit me so hard this time, maybe its just because I was so... in need of a spiritual pick-me-up. It got over with just a few hours ago, but I knew I wanted to write a few thoughts about things I heard in conference. I loved how things started off yesterday morning, Saturday sessions are seriously some of my favorite, now that I actually try to pay attention to them. But the one that stood out the most to me this time around was the Sunday afternoon one. Most specifically Elder Scott's and Elder Christofferson's talks.

I was in the car with my sisters and my dad while coming back from my grandparents hosue during the start of Elder Scott's talk, but luckily everyone was quiet enough I could still hear it on the radio. And while he was talking, I just couldn't help but tear up. He was talking about marriage, and how there are so many people out there, men and women, who need to "get with it" and get married. I can't lie, there was a certain someone I was thinking of when this go brought up, and I kinda wondered if he thought about me too... But that is besides the point. Elder Scott then started talking about his wife, and the way he spoke of her so highly, he choked up with emotion as he talked of her kindness, her selflessness, her service. He was is still so in love with her, even with her gone. She was a woman. He had such a beautiful way of describing the way she embraced her woman-hood, righteously. I'll have to put it up when they have the talks written online, because it was so eloquent, I know I can't say it correctly.

But the point is, that is who I want to be. More than anything in the world. I want my future spouse to be able to speak of me with such love and admiration. He loved and respected her, she was his equal, his companion, his example at times. She was a true woman. And it just made me think, that I am still just such a girl. I have so much growing to do before I feel like I can live up to that title. Especially to live up to the title of a "woman from the church". There were talks about how incredible the women of the church are, and I just feel like I don't quite live up to that either, not yet at any rate. I still am far too selfish, I have a really hard time asking for help, I don't like depending on people because I like to do things myself, and I still make stupid decisions. A woman doesn't do those things, she can be a good companion and asks for help, she can depend on her man, and she is selfless. That is who I want to be, so that is who I will strive to be. Someone who just radiates the essence of a woman of the church.

Which brings me to the next talk that came up that really touched me. Elder Christofferson was up next. He spoke of the Atonement, and how we need to be able to be corrected and chastised by Heavenly Father because that is how we will be able to grow and develop into the people He wants us to be. This just seemed to go hand in hand with my thoughts of how I am still such a girl and want to be a woman. I was chastised, there are a lot of things I need to fix, and I am so grateful that these two men could have such great talks that inspire me to make those changes that I need to make to be the woman I want to become.

Conference was just so incredible. I can't even truly explain how heart-lifting this was. I so desperately needed to hear some of these talks, and I am so grateful that I was ready and willing to listen. And I am even more grateful for the priesthood leadership in this church, and the ability they have to be mouthpieces of the Lord. So armed with the words and the feelings I gained today, I feel confident in my striving to be who I want to be. I feel confident that I can change from being this silly girl, to a beautiful woman.

florida

I'm moving.
In August.
To Florida.

I don't know if I'll get the EFY job, something tells me I probably will get shafted, I hear its really hard to get in your first year. But regardless, I'm going to take my math class this summer (after I study take the accuplacer and get in the 1050 class) so I can get my associates degree and justify taking a semester off. I'm also going to work- doing whatever work I get hired to do. I may stay at Trinity, just til August though. However, if I do get EFY, I'm gonna quit. Anyways, I'm going to save money this summer, as much as I can, so that in August, I can pack up my car and drive through 9 or 10 states to the lovely state of Florida with my best friend Alexa. Call it reckless, call it impulsive, call it whatever you want, I call it taking a chance. I want out of my comfort zone. I'll get a job at Disney World or wherever, I still want to look at how much CNA's make out there, and live far away from home where I'll get a good dose of living in "the real world".

I really am excited about this plan- I really like this idea. And despite what many "nay-sayers" may say, I really think Lex and I can make this happen. She's already going crazy over finding us a place to live at, I'm pretty much good living anywhere where I can have my own room and isn't going to send me into debt. She's getting a puppy. We're gonna get walkie-talkies. It's gonna be good, I just feel it. There are just a few things I need to do before I go.

1. Obviously, have money saved up so I can afford it, and have a cushion just in case I can't get a job right away.
2. Sell my lease at my apartment. I think it'll sell well, since I've renewed several times, my rent is cheaper than most, so it should sell more easily.
3. Get my car checked out. It kinda makes a funny clicking noise when I turn left...
4. Buy a GPS. I'm going to want it for the trip across the country, and when we're in Florida.
5. Get a credit card. I need to get working on building credit.
6. Quit thinking things between me and Joel are going to somehow miraculously work out again. IT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. Just tell that to my stupid heart that keeps holding on to hope, despite me trying to distract myself with phlebotomist guy and etc. It sucks, but I'm just still in love with Joel. But moving to Florida will make it impossible for it to work out, so that'll be good. The sooner the better I say.

So... Dear Florida,
     I cannot wait to be in your warm climate. It's almost April, and it snowed. I know you would never do this to me. I'm tired of monotony. I want an exciting and drastic change, and I think you can provide this. No more mountains. I want a beach. Sand and the ocean. And being tan. You also provide the chance to live with my best friend again, but this time not on a mattress on the floor of my room, but in our own apartment with a puppy dog. The boys here break my heart, maybe some sunshine and Disney World can make it feel better. I hope we can work things out Florida, I really am excited.

All my love,
       Britt

and run

I'm taking this song to heart. I desperately need a major change. I've been doing the same thing for just about the past two years, and I need to switch it up. I think that will really help me, with everything. I'm going to quit my job this summer. I applied, and interviewed for, an EFY job this summer, and I really hope I make it, but even if I don't, I'm going to do something different. Work somewhere thats more social, with people more my age. I might transfer somewhere in the fall, if anyone would take me. Change schools, wards, apartments. It sounds like a very welcome opportunity. It's a beautiful thing to realize that things don't have to stay the same as they are the now. I can do whatever I want. Go wherever I want. So that's what I'll do. In the words of this song, I"m gonna run :)

And Run- He is We

Oh ah oh ah oh ah oh oh,
Oh ah oh ah oh ah oh oh.
Oh ah oh ah oh ah oh oh,
Oh ah oh ah oh ah oh oh.

Kinda wish I had the courage,
A bit of bravery.
So tired of waiting on a man to come and save me.
Wishing I had everything,
Or something really.
I do admit it,
But now I'm thinking freely.


I'm going to open my mind to all these,
New found exciting possibilities.

Oh ah oh ah oh ah oh oh.
I'm making all my own plans,
(Oh ah oh ah oh ah oh oh.)
Throwing all my old ones away.
(Oh ah oh ah oh ah oh oh.)
Gonna grow up, Be someone.
Draw a map, find a path.
Take a breath and run.
And run.

Filling my head with words to encourage me,
Gotta get my act so straight so I can truly believe.
That what I'm waiting for, is really worth the wait.
Stop bringing myself down,
I gotta know what makes me great.

I'm going to open my mind to all these,
New found exciting possibilities.

Oh ah oh ah oh ah oh oh.
I'm making all my own plans,
(Oh ah oh ah oh ah oh oh.)
Throwing all my old ones away.
(Oh ah oh ah oh ah oh oh.)

Gonna grow up, Be someone.
Draw a map, find a path.
Take a breath and run.

I am trying to get past this,
Be better than I once was.
Tired of waiting, on someone else.

I am trying to get past this,
Be better than I once was.
Tired of waiting on someone else,
I can fix it by myself.

Oh ah oh ah oh ah oh oh.
I'm finally taking a stand,
(Oh ah oh ah oh ah oh oh.)
I've learned from all my mistakes.
(Oh ah oh ah oh ah oh oh.)
I'm making all my own plans,
(Oh ah oh ah oh ah oh oh.)
Throwing all my old ones away.
(Oh ah oh ah oh ah oh oh.)

Gotta grow up, be someone.
Draw a map, find a path.
Take a breath and run.

Oh ah oh ah oh ah oh oh
Run, run, run, run.
(Oh ah oh ah oh ah oh oh.)
Run, run, run, run.
(Oh ah oh ah oh ah oh oh.)
Oh ah oh ah oh ah oh oh.

gospel

I can't sleep, so I'll share things that have been on my mind this evening:

This gospel never ceases to amaze me.
I have such faith in this church, I don't know how I ever questioned it.
I don't know how I could ever want anything more than to be a faithful member.
It helps me through the hardest trials.
It helps me through the tiniest problems.
I don't know where I would be without it.

I know that the Atonement is real. It is the most incredible gift that I could ever be given. It changes lives. It has changed mine, and I can never forget that, never deny that. And my big brother Jesus Christ is the reason for why I am able to repent from all the stupid things I do. I am eternally in his debt, and I hope I can help repay him someday by being the best person and example I can be to those around me.

I have such a testimony of Bishops, and how they are called of God, and really do have stewardship in order to recieve revelation for his members. My Bishop is like my Dad. He's the best! He's like a wise teddy bear. I can talk to him about anything, and he knows exactly what to say, and how to help me.

I have a testimony of priesthood blessings and all the good they can do. I never knew how completely wonderful priesthood blessings could be before, how much they can help heal. I only ever recieved blessings when it was the begining of the school year, getting a calling, or getting my patriarchial one. Never had I gotten one because I was in emotional distress, and it was incredible to feel the after affects.

I know that other leaders are called of God as well. That the men called to the Quorom of the Seventy are inspired men who have important messages to give to the rising generation. Elder Cook and Elder Munday have had profound lessons to teach us, and they have sunk in my soul. I love to hearken to their voices.

I am so grateful for the amazing people in my life who are able to help me along my way. The good friends who encourage me, for my residents who always make me smile and remind me who I am, my parents who love me unconditionally, my grandma who is such an example to me, and again, the incredible leaders who have such an impact on my life.

I know that this gospel is here for me to enjoy, and that even when I am sad, deep down I truly am happy, because I have this gospel in my life. Everything will work out okay. I have faith in the future, that I will be even happier then.

I am so blessed. So loved. I wish everyone could feel the happiness that I do.

iPod scorn

I swear, my iPod is out to get me. Every song seems to remind me of him... gah! Sad songs seem to have taken a priority above all else. (Please note that I am okay, that I know that this is what is supposed to happen, but it seems that I have rough days every once in a while.) These are just some of the lyrics that have really stood out to me lately.

Worn Out Dime- Todd Lippord
(not a published song, but lyrics he wrote)
I thought this was a game, and you would come back for me
now all I want is to be flipped over, so at night the stars are all I see
I guess this is what life is like when you're a worn out dime
if everything is going good it's only a matter of time.

Jar of Hearts- Christina Perri
And who do you think you are?
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are?
Dear, it took so long just to feel alright
Remember how to put back the light in my eyes
I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed
Cause you broke all your promises

Life After You- Runner Runner
Letting go
Now the worst is over
You should know I'm okay
I'm so moving on
I'm so over you
So what now?
I wanna breathe now
I can live again
Scream out loud every now and then
Go and get back everything
You took from me
I wanna get back friends I used to know
Stay out late at the killer show
Ridin' downtown like we used to do
And just be me
I wanna breathe, I wanna be
I wanna sing, I wanna believe
All the things I can do
There's life after you

Papercuts- Runner Runner
Who do you want?
It’s more than a crush
Loving you only gave me papercuts
Something so real, taught me never to trust
Loving you only gave me papercuts
You gave me papercuts

Gonna Get Over You- Sara Bareilles
Ooh, how'm I gonna get over you?
I'll be alright, just not tonight
Someday, oh I wish you'd want me to stay
I'll be alright, just not tonight
Someday (someday)
say it's coming soon,
Someday without you,
All I can do is get me past the ghost of you,
Wave goodbye to me,
won't say I'm sorry,
I'll be alright once I find the other side of
Someday

Life of the Party- Rocket to the Moon
You puzzle like a jigsaw
You love me, now we don't fit together
I used up my last straw
I thought I would drink you forever
But now you're my last call
Never shoulda told you that I fell in love
'Cause you turned me right around
And threw me down and now I can't get up
You'll be sorry, just you wait and see
But let's get one thing straight
You're gonna regret you left me

Virginia Bluebell- Miranda Lambert
Pretty little thing, sometimes you gotta look up
And let the world see all the beauty that you’re made of
‘Cause the way you hang your head nobody can tell
You’re my Virginia Bluebell
My Virginia Bluebell
Put a little light in the darkest places
Put a little smile on the saddest faces

On a Lonely Night- A Rocket to the Moon
It's been forever, but lately it's been hard
Like when we took your parent's car
And drove forever in the dark
I'd give it all away if I could I see you
Once again and have a summer love
Growing close and never go
On a lonely night you will see
You're everything to me (you got everything)
On a lonely night oh the truth is
Every night is lonely without you
Every night is lonely without you here

If there was one song to just summarize everything that I feel on my "rough days" it would be this one. Leave it to good ol' T Swift to tell it how it is. haha, the song is ridiculously accurate to my life.

Back to December- Taylor Swift
I'm so glad you made time to see me
How's life? Tell me, how's your family?
I haven't seen them in a while
You've been good, busier than ever
We small talk, work and the weather
Your guard is up, and I know why
Because the last time you saw me
Is still burned in the back of your mind
You gave me roses, and I left them there to die
So this is me swallowing my pride
Standing in front of you, saying I'm sorry for that night
And I go back to December all the time
It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you
Wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine
I go back to December, turn around and make it alright
I go back to December all the time
These days, I haven't been sleeping
Staying up, playing back myself leaving
When your birthday passed, and I didn't call

Then I think about summer, all the beautiful times
I watched you laughing from the passenger side
And realized I loved you in the fall

And then the cold came, the dark days
When fear crept into my mind
You gave me all your love, and all I gave you was goodbye

So this is me swallowing my pride
Standing in front of you, saying I'm sorry for that night
And I go back to December all the time
It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you
Wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine
I go back to December, turn around and change my own mind
I go back to December all the time

I miss your tan skin, your sweet smile
So good to me, so right
And how you held me in your arms that September night
The first time you ever saw me cry

Maybe this is wishful thinking
Probably mindless dreaming
But if we loved again, I swear I'd love you right
I'd go back in time and change it, but I can't
So if the chain is on your door, I understand
This is me swallowing my pride
Standing in front of you, saying I'm sorry for that night
And I go back to December
It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you
Wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine
I go back to December, turn around and make it alright
I go back to December, turn around and change my own mind
I go back to December all the time, all the time

hope

had an incredible experience at a fireside earlier with Elder Cook. this gospel continues to amaze me. and then i found this picture, and i just couldn't help but think it was perfect. short and sweet. the end.

papercut

Don't you hate it when you get a papercut? Like you're doing your own thing, trying to find that stupid paper for history class, or the syllabus to check on your homework, or rifling through all your notes to study your brains out and then out of the blue your feel a little slice, and suddenly your finger is bleeding and it hurts! UGH! they are just so awful. I hate them, and unfortunately I get them far too often. But it gets to the point where I can manage to work around them, and they don't really bother me, until I do something stupid like, peel an orange, or decide to use alcohol based hand sanitizer, then as soon as I decide to do those things, I immediately regret the decision as a sharp stings starts taking place in that stupid papercut. And suddenly all I can think about is the pain, and everything else becomes less important. Just for a little bit though, then the pain subsides and I'm able to cope again. That is until I do something stupid again, and the lovely cycle starts all over.

I suppose in a way I'm speaking metaphorically, I currently have a papercut, but its on my heart. And sometimes I do stupid things that will only cause me pain. Like blogstalking or getting hopes up for ridiculous reasons. But I suppose, that I'll just have to look past these moments, and move forward and learn to cope again. But I am only human, and therefore still weak at times. And I guess, sometimes I have to remember, that I don't have to be strong all the time. Especially, when it comes to the heart. It doesn't make me a bad person to admit that I'm still recovering.

yes, I'm talking to you.

you know who you are.

I doubt you still read this, but on the off chance that you do,

 I just want to say, I still love you.

serendipity

if I had to pick a song to be a theme for my life right now, this would be it. I just heard it on the radio, and well, I fell in love. Here we go!

Sweet Serendipity
by Lee DeWyze

I ain’t got no car
And I've got one pair of jeans
They’ve been stretched too far
And now they’re weak at the seams
I can’t say what’s next
And I got nothin' up my sleeve
But I don’t lose my head
Cause it ain’t really up to me

And I’m doing just fine
I’m always landing on my feet
In the nic of time
And by the skin of my teeth
I ain’t gonna stress
Cause the worst ain’t happened yet
Somethings watching over me
Like Sweet Serendipity
Sweet Serendipity

I don’t ask for a lot
No nothing more than I need
Because I love what I got
Don’t need to play the lottery
I just want to be strong
At the end of the road
I don’t want to hold on
I want the strength to let go

And I’m doing just fine
I’m always landing on my feet
In the nic of time
And by the skin of my teeth
I ain’t gonna stress
Cause the worst ain’t happened yet
Somethings watching over me
Like Sweet Serendipity

And what will be will be
In the nic of time
And by the skin of my teeth
I aint gonna stress
Cause the worst ain’t happened yet
Somethings watching over me
Like Sweet Serendipity
Sweet Serendipity
Like Sweet Serendipity

Don’t look fate can only find you
You can’t choose for something to surprise you
Set sail without a destination
Just see where the wind will take you
You never know when you're gonna fall
But I'm not worried
No I'm not worried

And I’m doing just fine
I’m always landing on my feet
In the nic of time
And by the skin of my teeth
I ain’t gonna stress
Cause the worst ain’t happened yet
Somethings watching over me

And I’m doing just fine
I’m always landing on my feet
In the nic of time
And by the skin of my teeth
I ain’t gonna stress
Cause the worst ain’t happend yet
Somethings watching over me
Like Sweet Serendipity
Sweet Serendipity

Sweet Serendipity
Don’t look fate can only find you
You can’t choose for something to surprise you
Set sail without a destination
Sweet, sweet
Sweet, sweet
Sweet Serendipity
Sweet, sweet
Sweet, sweet
Sweet Serendipity
I don't know
Sweet Serendipity

not a teen

Twas my birthday Monday, and in all honesty, usually I dislike my birthday, but it was a really good day! I am so incredibly blessed! AH! I am so lucky guys!

I started off by waking up at like 7:30, a minor miracle in my book, since it was my birthday, and on my days off I usually sleep in to at least 11. haha, but I woke up and left the apartment by 8 and made it to the temple by 8:15. At first, I was kinda sad, since I had planned to go with someone and they bailed on me, so I was a tad bit emotional, but it was hard to stay like that when I was in the Lord's house. I brought my scriptures and just sat and pondered for a while, and just felt an immense sense of peace at whatever happens next in my life. All will be well. All is well. Life is beautiful.

I left the temple at like 10:15, then went to my parents house and I made myself a birthday breakfast with my puppy dog. And called some people who had called while I was in the temple. Then I went back to my apartment to get ready for my big adventure for the day- snowboarding! So I went with a friend from one of my classes, who also had the same birthday as me, so we went up to Sundance and it was SO MUCH FUN! I think I have a new hobby I want to pick up. I didn't think I would like it as much as I did, but holy oh my goodness, it was a blast. I definitely will have to budget next year so I can buy all the stuff necessary for this new hobby. Then we went and got birthday cake shakes from Iceberg, cuz you get free shakes on your birthday! They were really skeptical that it was BOTH our birthday's though... haha.

Then I showered, got all ready, got my hair all done, then met up with my family to go to dinner. We went to Tempanyaki, my all time favorite resturaunt ever. I mean they make all the food for you right there in front of you! Plus there's a TON of it! I got yummy rice, lo mein noodles, salmon, grilled veggies, and teriyaki chicken. It was incredible, as always! Then we rolled back to the house, seriously, we were all so full, and then my Mom got the cake she made me, and I blew out the candles. Then we were all so full, I ended up just taking half the cake home with me to put in my fridge.

Then I got back to my apartment and watched one of my favorite movies of all time with some of my favorite people. Sherlock Holmes at Sarah's. Need I say more? I don't think so. It was awesome. I love Robert Downey Jr.

I ended my birthday with reading my scriptures, and nearly falling asleep praying. It was incredible! What a way to spend my 20th birthday! It was nothing like I thought it would be a week ago, but that's fine. Life throws you curves, and you just have to roll with the punches. Life is beautiful.

redneck

i had a redneck adventure on saturday. and i don't know what i would have done without my darling redneck friend natalie. haha. i picked her up from her casa on saturday after she got done with work, and then we went to cafe rio and had an awesome girl catch-up dinner. we talked and talked and talked some more! i love friends like nat, where we don't have to see each other too terribly often, but when we're together we act like no time has passed. its AWESOME.

so we caught up on each others lives, then i took her off to go with me to go to one of my co-workers birthday parties. now i didn't really know where chellyn lived, i had a pretty good idea, but i wasn't completely sure, but i figured i could just wing it! so we head off, blasting music in my car and we find what we think is chellyn's house. so we park and traipse off to the front door and knock andd..... a rather large mexican man answers the door instead... haha. i was like, "Ohhhhh... you are not chellyn!" so he tells us where he thinks her house is at (he was totally wrong just btw), and so we run back to my car feeling like idiots for going to the wrong door. we jump in, and i go to turn the key annnndddd... nothing. car won't start. i try again, and again, and again. what?!?! why wouldn't it work?! we had JUST got out of the car and it had been working just fine! soooo, i call chellyn and tell her the situation, and she laughs her butt off on the other line, then sends jensenne and mark to come jump my car. haha it was ridiculous! so it jumps real easy, and then nat and i drive around for a few minutes so to build a charge, then we literally turn a corner and the very next street is where the party's at, it was within walking distance. haha.

anyways, we park again, then go in to the party. there were so many awkward couples! just the kind that were ALL over each other, and then the people who were single, were all really good friends with inside jokes and what not, and so nat and i tried to involve ourselves, butttt it was awkward. so when the only other single people were leaving, we decided to leave too. haha. so it was around 11, and we went back out to my car, anndddd it doesn't start again! it was ridiculous! so we quick grab two guys to jump our car for the second time of the night. they laughed when we told them it was the second time, then said we should probably drive around for a bit, so thats what we did! we jammed to some music and we drove up state street and 800 north for at least like 20 minutes.

then nat had to pee. so she picked the walker's/wendy's gas station where all her redneck friends hang out to go to the bathroom. so we pull up next to three majorly lifted trucks in my little accord. then we go do our business, and come back out and my car won't start AGAIN! so nat convinces one of the rednecks to jump my car, then go with us to wal-mart, help pick out my battery, then jump my car again for the FOURTH time, drive to nat's house, then replace my battery. it was such a ridiculous night! i didn't get home til like 1 o'clock! haha. it was a crazy night, but i had so much fun, and it was exactly what i needed. a ridiculous night with a crazy adventure with a good friend. hooray for rednecks :)

apart

i was prepared to love you.
to give you all my heart.
i never would have guessed,
that you preffered us apart.

the hope that i had gathered,
of us working out someday
was shattered in an instant
when you felt a different way

i thought we needed time
a little time to be alone,
to know who we are and what we had
i felt thats what i was being shown

you said we were too different
that it wasn't meant to be.
but i had hoped with all my soul
that again we would sing "mango tree"

you say you want me happy,
but baby can't you see?
that you could have made that happen
if you would stay with me.

you think i deserve better,
but baby can't you see?
i thought you were the one,
i wanted you to be with me.

you said "its not the end of the world"
that "everything will be alright."
but that doesn't help my tears,
that are pouring out tonight.

(this is my last sad post. i will not be making anymore about this subject. it is done. el fin. my heart is broken, but that is that. he doesn't feel the same. so why be sad when he is not?)

Listen to Your Heart

lyrics brought to you by The Maine.
and loved by me :)

"We're too young, this is never gonna work"
That's what they say, "You're gonna get hurt"
But I know something they don't.
I hear your heart, it's beating right in time.
Right from the start I knew I had to make you mine.
And now I'll never let you go.
Don't the know that love won't lie.

Don't listen to the world, they say we're never gonna make it.
Don't listen to your friends, they would've never let us start.
Don't listen to the voices in your head,
Listen to your heart.

This promise doesn't have to be so loud,
Just whisper, I could find you in a crowd.
I think it's time we ran away.
Your father says I'm not good enough for  you.
Your mother she thinks that this is just a phase,
I think that we should run away.

Don't listen to the world, they say we're never gonna make it.
Don't listen to your friends, they would've never let us start.
Don't listen to the voices in your head,
Listen to your heart.

You gotta listen to your heart.
Go on and listen to your heart.
Come on and listen to your heart.
It will tell the truth,
It will set you free,
It will say that you were meant for me,
And this is where we're supposed to be.
Yeah!

Don't listen to the world, they say we're never gonna make it.
But I know we'll make it.
Don't listen to your friends, the would've never let us start.
Don't listen to the voices in your head,
Love will never ever let us fall apart,
You gotta listen to your heart.
Go on and listen to your heart.
You've gotta listen to your heart.
Come on and listen to your heart.
Listen to your heart.

no more

i refuse to feel sorry for myself.
i'm done with all my complaints.
and usually they're just in my head...
or here on this page.
but i'm sick of me right now.
and i'm sure you are too.

my life is amazing!
i have wonderful friends.
entertaining roommates.
lots of activities to be a part of.
classes to keep me busy.
good books to read.
letters to write.
lots of new foods to cook.
my clothes to pick up
(they throw themselves on the floor i swear!)
the best co-workers a girl could ask for.
a good job with wonderful residents.
(despite how much management irks me)

but its more than that.
I have a Savior who loves me.
He knows me better than anyone.
I know that He is always there for me.
I have the gospel in my life.
and it does make me happy.
having faith in this gospel makes me so happy.
it never ceases to amaze me.
how the spirit can offer such comfort.
I got that comfort today.
no matter what happens, I'll always have this gospel.
And I will always have a Savior.
And that's enough for me.

feel better

write a letter.
you'll feel better.

i didn't think it would work out quite like it did. but hey, i started writing letters, and suddenly, i'm ok. no more pain. no more longing. i get to say everything i never did. and they're just my personal collection. i'll keep it forever. and learn this is a good way to cope. page after page after page. jotting down thoughts. feelings. memories. everything worth mentioning. all in a neat green notebook.

this is good for me.
its therapy.

blocked

i feel blocked.

first of all, i'm blocked out of my journaling. i can't use microsoft word on my computer anymore, because apparently the product key is incorrect, even though i type it exactly how it is on the box. i think i'll have to buy a new windows package thing this week. that sucks.

i feel like i can't really tell my friends whats going on or how i feel these days, because they have so many more "pressing" issues at hand that we discuss. so i block out whats going on with me.or if by some miracle someone does ask, i lie, because i don't really want to tell them and hear all their great "advice" for me.

i feel blocked off from the dating world. i am trying to date, because i think that is what i'm supposed to be doing. but there is nobody i want to date. nobody. i have gone on a few dates. i have given out my number- but i find no joy in doing so. i don't do second dates, because i don't want to waste anybody's time (but mostly because i have found that i end up avoiding/ignoring the guys i have gone on dates with) i hate texting boys- especially boys who don't use proper grammar/spelling in their texts. it makes me think they are illiterate.

i just feel blocked of affection for them. i can be attracted to them sure, there are some good looking guys in my ward! but thats as far as it goes. i think, "oh he's cute." THE END. no "oh i hope he asks for my number!" or "i wonder if he's interested?" i mostly think "i really hope nothing comes of this, and he doesn't mistake me being friendly for anything else."

we have a ward date night this friday. i have every intention of coming up with every excuse to not go.
we have a stake date night on my birthday, and i pray i don't get asked.

i should have re-phrased what i meant by saying there is nobody i want to date. there is nobody else i want to date. there is someone i want to date. but i won't allow myself to. he won't allow it either. because... well we have some really good reasons.. but i miss him so bad. so so bad. and i feel like i can't tell anyone these things.... especially him.

my parents/granparents/aunts/uncles/coworkers/neighbors (basically all my family and friends) all think i am just making all these wondeful decisions. that i'm just so mature in making all these important decisions for the right reasons. they're so happy for me being such a great example of maturity. they're so proud of how i've handled my situations. i mean its been about a month, and i'm handling it just fine right? going on dates, not seeing him, being involved in my ward. telling everyone that all is fine with me...

so how do i talk to them about how my heart is still breaking? and that i'm still such a little girl who just wants to be loved? and is missing her hand being held... and big hugs telling her everything will be alright... how do i tell them i still cry every night? that everyday is a fight for me to not go and see him.

... the thing is. i can't. i can't say those things. so i block out my emotions and the void that i feel. til i'm all alone, usually late at night. and then i let them out. and i cry.

now don't get me wrong, i know things will all work out for the best. i know everything will work out the way things are supposed to. i know that no matter what happens, or who i end up with, i will be happy and all this will seem silly to me someday. i have faith in God. I know he knows a lot more about what he has in store for me than i do. so i just have to work through it. one day at a time.

a teacher told me once that you "fake it til you make it".

i guess that's what i'm doing.

expectations

early this morning at work, i struggled to find my usual "perkiness" and patience when dealing with all of the people and assignments i had to do. i wasn't thrilled about the other two aides i was working with, because i feel like one only half does her job, while the other doesn't speak english and i have a really hard time understanding what she's saying, not to mention, she is one of the slower aides. that and my roommate decided to open the window and i was freezing all night, and then when i woke up to go to work i remembered i still had school to go to afterwards as well! needless to say, i wasn't in the best of moods. i just felt... off. i couldn't really put my finger on it, because usually i'm able to overlook those type things and just be happy and all smiles, but today, for some reason, i had to really really try to put my grumpiness behind me.

so i was waiting for the cart from the kitchen that would have all the meals for the residents who stayed in bed for breakfast, when i decided to talk to one of my favorite residents. his name is Brady, well Reeves Brady, but he served in the navy and always was referred to as Brady, so thats what he goes by even now at 97 years old. I decided to stop and give him a hug and a smile, because by golly, he's just an adorable elder gentleman and you just can't help but love him. he gave me a big ol toothy grin (with some missing of course) and he gave me a hug. he told me he sure appreciated me always smiling and always being so happy and spreading cheer to everyone there with my silly dances and singing. he told me how beautiful and charming i was, and i told him how he flattered me with sweet lies. but he looked at me, and grabbed me by the wrist and looked at me and told me "no no miss. i'm only telling you the truth! you girls are wonderful here, but especially you. you know you are a chosen generation? its true! you're the chosen ones. and don't you ever, ever, forget that!"

i didn't really think on it much at the time, because i was stressed so much with everything i had to do, but now since the day is done, i realize how wonderful that moment was. of an elder gentleman telling me the important things in life, the things that will actually matter in the end. then on accident actually, i clicked my little "favorite" tab for lds.org and to my absolute pleasure and surprise there was a little movie right up front about the expectations of youth and how we are the chosen generation. (if you wanna check it out http://lds.org/study/prophets-speak-today/unto-all-the-world/great-expectations-for-youth-of-church?lang=eng ) and its short, but it was oh so sweet and inspirational. i love the spirit you guys. i love these apostles. i love this church. and i may be part of the chosen generation, but that doesn't mean that there aren't expectations for me to live up to. i am so grateful for this gospel. it touches my heart time and time again. and i'm grateful for the tender mercies God gives me. i am so blessed. and i just hope to always live my life right so that i may live up to those great expectations.

lights

i want to punch her lights out right now
this girl
some silly insecure girl
who is hurting my friend
my BEST friend
i want to shake sense into her...
and just ask her why?
why would she do something so hurtful?
when my friend has been nothing but wonderful and caring to her.
my dear sweet friend who has been there for her,
at her best, and worst.
my friend has been there for her, and for me, and for everyone.
she has the biggest heart in the whole wide world
and someone just wants to hurt her.
it breaks my heart.
girls can be so mean.

up and downs

my life
is a rollercoaster
full of up up ups
and down down downs

it can be monthly
weekly
daily
hourly
minutely

sometimes i can be so unbelievably content
knowing what i'm doing
where i'm going
and the people who will be there with me

then a little thing
like a name
puts a swoop in my stomach
and makes me question...
everything

then i push it out of my mind
there is no room for doubt there
no time to reminisce
because that isn't moving forward

i need to grow
to learn
to appreciate
and that's what i'm trying to do

to be a better person
a better person for him.
whoever he may be.
but also for me.
mostly for me.

i need to love myself
and love everything i do
before i can love anyone else.

desire

I want something.
desperately.
with every fiber of my being.
I'm obsessed.
I constantly think about it.
I think its exactly what I need.
but its also exactly what I want.
Soooo badly.
I want to be an EFY counselor.
I remember going for my first year
"A More Excellent Way"
with my friend Mal Pal.
And I fell in love.
With EFY.
The feel.
The spirit.
The ideas.
The lessons.
The fun!
I decided then, I wanted to be a counselor.
So here I am.
6 years later.
Applying for a position.
I want this so bad...
I don't think I've wanted something this bad...
Ever.
So please oh please oh please!
If anyone out there cares for me.
Send your best wishes my way.
Because I want this, more than I could ever explain.

my last year at EFY